(no subject)
Fall is here.
I'd been trying to deny it, but this morning, (being the worst morning of my life, for the record) it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I don't mind fall, normally. I think it's banger, most years actually. There's just something about this year that has filled me with a sense of abandonment, discontent, and loneliness. It's like, as the year goes by in it's little cycle of death, it feels like it's taking a part of me with it. Naturally, this had led to a crazy bad case of depression. I thought I was over it, I honestly did, but it came back today once I got home. Spiked like a mother fucker.
Stress is probobly a major factor. I can't deny it. That's the gist of what I remember from my fun little hospital visit. No stress means I'm sane...well, more sane than usual. Stress, oh ho ho, sure, you'v eseen me down, but not THIS down. It's depressing in and of itself. Stupid fucking cycle.
I'm trying to find something, anything actually, to look forward to in the months ahead. Thanksgiving? No, I hate my family. Christmas, ditto. My birthday? Why yes, I'm looking forward to being a year closer to 30. Like I'm looking forward to another hole in the head.
I loo kback and I haven't accomplished anything that I wanted to by the time I was 25. I realize I still have SOME time, but not nearly enough. I really need to start hitting the gym again. I might even use the term "with a vengeance". I need to get around to finishing my application to SMU. I need to get out, meet people. Barring all of the above...I need to find a new fucking job.
A job fucking would be nice too, but I'm not delusional.
I'd been trying to deny it, but this morning, (being the worst morning of my life, for the record) it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I don't mind fall, normally. I think it's banger, most years actually. There's just something about this year that has filled me with a sense of abandonment, discontent, and loneliness. It's like, as the year goes by in it's little cycle of death, it feels like it's taking a part of me with it. Naturally, this had led to a crazy bad case of depression. I thought I was over it, I honestly did, but it came back today once I got home. Spiked like a mother fucker.
Stress is probobly a major factor. I can't deny it. That's the gist of what I remember from my fun little hospital visit. No stress means I'm sane...well, more sane than usual. Stress, oh ho ho, sure, you'v eseen me down, but not THIS down. It's depressing in and of itself. Stupid fucking cycle.
I'm trying to find something, anything actually, to look forward to in the months ahead. Thanksgiving? No, I hate my family. Christmas, ditto. My birthday? Why yes, I'm looking forward to being a year closer to 30. Like I'm looking forward to another hole in the head.
I loo kback and I haven't accomplished anything that I wanted to by the time I was 25. I realize I still have SOME time, but not nearly enough. I really need to start hitting the gym again. I might even use the term "with a vengeance". I need to get around to finishing my application to SMU. I need to get out, meet people. Barring all of the above...I need to find a new fucking job.
A job fucking would be nice too, but I'm not delusional.