(no subject)
Ahh I was pretty depressed on Friday....but thankfully I'm better now. I suppose I was a bit dramatic acting, but I really was feeling horrible emotions.
So college is alright now. I got into Skidmore, plus Union and Hobart William Smith. I got waitlisted at Vassar, which I don't care too much about because I realized that I don't think I'd enjoy being at that school too much anyway. I like Skidmore....I think I'd be happy there. Well, I hope. I'm sure my dad is disappointed that I won't be going to an amazingly hard school...but I'll just need to try not to care. Everyone else is supportive.
Stuff with my friends is good too for the most part. Yes yes!
Yes...everything is going well. I have a new perspective on myself and my actions...and I'm glad. I think Lisa and and I both agree...Alice too although she figured it out for herself a couple weeks ago. So we're changed people whoo. haha. I'm happy. I've actually made those changes happen to two guys in the last few days so I'm proud of myself. Corey started talking to me again and he called me and we talked til 6 am one night...very random. He begged me to let him take me on a date. He makes me feel better about myself than anyone ever has...he floods me with the most intense compliments...I don't even know how to take them. Anyway, so hes a very nice person, although he has some major issues. I love analyzing him (haha if he only knew ...so weird) because he's such complex and interesting person. Anyway so I told him that we should be friends and if possibly anything develops in the future then so be it...but nothing more than friends now. So thats good.
And then theres Ben...(LEEB)...and ugh I don't even feel like getting into it. We talk every night for a long time...yet we don't know each other. Is that weird? yes. but I guess if you're in the situation it doesn't seem as weird. So he says he likes me but now apparently I'm a tease and make no effort and I'm a drama queen. But he said this all becaue of my new and improved view on relationships haha so its ok. I think maybe I took it a bit far for him because I'm so determined not to mess up. Hes mad because I told him I don't want the first time we hang out for it to be like a big hook up and then thats it. And I tried to explain how in the past I've perhaps have one too many random hookups and from now on thats not happening....and so I like his personality so I don't want to hook up with him. He thinks I hate him now because he thinks that we know each other so well from talking and he gets so sad that I put him in the category with random guys. Hes overly sensitive. He has basically told me that he wants a relationship from me (which is a bit weird) and it so upset that I think he wants to use me. So I don't know...is that still crossing my line?? Kissing someone even though we have a good connection and have been talking for months...yet never met. thats the odd freakish part that he also freaks out about because he doesnt think its a big deal and he gets angry that i do. Ah oh well.
Then theres Saul....whenever I think I have my ideas straight in my head, he comes and messes it all up. No matter what hes always my friend...but we go through phases where hes like my best friend to we barely talk. So we talked a couple days ago and he was telling me how he misses me and we should go to Six Flags again because that was fun and started talking about other things we could do. And I was like yeahhh and now that I don't care about you I won't throw up so it will be even more fun! I suppose I could have worded it a bit better haha because he got upset and was like "okk...nevermind". But I explained to him that I didn't mean that I didn't care about him...its just that the guys that I used to get sick from were ones I liked. And hes like yess but thats sad because I like you!! And I'm like yeah but no its different, because you dont like me in a crush type way. SILENCE. i'm like "..." and he goes "mmhmm" and thats it!! so confusing. later on to my away message hes like "to get back to you on whether or not i have a crush on you...i dont know if i do. i care about you so much, thats for sure. but whether i care about you like a big brother or whether i want to date you...i'm not sure. but whichever it is i care about you. so youll just have to be satisfied with that answer for now." ahhh. what!? ah just when things are completely on a friends level he says this weirdness and all these feelings come rushing back. this is when i made my little "change". Because I was thinking to myself...Saul is the only guy I've truly cared about. He was more than a friend but he was my friend above all and that was important to me. So I was thinking about it...and what is the point of hooking up continuously with guys that don't matter and I KNOW will never turn into more than a one night thing?? Obviously what I want is a saul type relationship again...it just hasn't happened so I resort myself to having fun and not caring. But I think I'm truly over it. No one will believe me though until it actually is seen. Most people go crazy in college...so I just did senior year in high school....its alright. A phase perhaps?
Ok....thats it about that. I've been in major senior spring mode. I have so much extreme senioritis I don't even know what to do with myself!!! I don't feel like I care about working at all. I don't want to listen in classes, or do homework, or study. I don't care AT ALL. I went to dinner with friends on Monday and Tuesday, plus went to Alice's house also on Monday after dinner.....I would never go out on a shcool night before.
Gotta go...dinner. LISA just called....she got into GW! 5 for 5! ALL HER SCHOOLS!!! yay she is amazing...so smart!! i'm happy and proud of her!
So college is alright now. I got into Skidmore, plus Union and Hobart William Smith. I got waitlisted at Vassar, which I don't care too much about because I realized that I don't think I'd enjoy being at that school too much anyway. I like Skidmore....I think I'd be happy there. Well, I hope. I'm sure my dad is disappointed that I won't be going to an amazingly hard school...but I'll just need to try not to care. Everyone else is supportive.
Stuff with my friends is good too for the most part. Yes yes!
Yes...everything is going well. I have a new perspective on myself and my actions...and I'm glad. I think Lisa and and I both agree...Alice too although she figured it out for herself a couple weeks ago. So we're changed people whoo. haha. I'm happy. I've actually made those changes happen to two guys in the last few days so I'm proud of myself. Corey started talking to me again and he called me and we talked til 6 am one night...very random. He begged me to let him take me on a date. He makes me feel better about myself than anyone ever has...he floods me with the most intense compliments...I don't even know how to take them. Anyway, so hes a very nice person, although he has some major issues. I love analyzing him (haha if he only knew ...so weird) because he's such complex and interesting person. Anyway so I told him that we should be friends and if possibly anything develops in the future then so be it...but nothing more than friends now. So thats good.
And then theres Ben...(LEEB)...and ugh I don't even feel like getting into it. We talk every night for a long time...yet we don't know each other. Is that weird? yes. but I guess if you're in the situation it doesn't seem as weird. So he says he likes me but now apparently I'm a tease and make no effort and I'm a drama queen. But he said this all becaue of my new and improved view on relationships haha so its ok. I think maybe I took it a bit far for him because I'm so determined not to mess up. Hes mad because I told him I don't want the first time we hang out for it to be like a big hook up and then thats it. And I tried to explain how in the past I've perhaps have one too many random hookups and from now on thats not happening....and so I like his personality so I don't want to hook up with him. He thinks I hate him now because he thinks that we know each other so well from talking and he gets so sad that I put him in the category with random guys. Hes overly sensitive. He has basically told me that he wants a relationship from me (which is a bit weird) and it so upset that I think he wants to use me. So I don't know...is that still crossing my line?? Kissing someone even though we have a good connection and have been talking for months...yet never met. thats the odd freakish part that he also freaks out about because he doesnt think its a big deal and he gets angry that i do. Ah oh well.
Then theres Saul....whenever I think I have my ideas straight in my head, he comes and messes it all up. No matter what hes always my friend...but we go through phases where hes like my best friend to we barely talk. So we talked a couple days ago and he was telling me how he misses me and we should go to Six Flags again because that was fun and started talking about other things we could do. And I was like yeahhh and now that I don't care about you I won't throw up so it will be even more fun! I suppose I could have worded it a bit better haha because he got upset and was like "okk...nevermind". But I explained to him that I didn't mean that I didn't care about him...its just that the guys that I used to get sick from were ones I liked. And hes like yess but thats sad because I like you!! And I'm like yeah but no its different, because you dont like me in a crush type way. SILENCE. i'm like "..." and he goes "mmhmm" and thats it!! so confusing. later on to my away message hes like "to get back to you on whether or not i have a crush on you...i dont know if i do. i care about you so much, thats for sure. but whether i care about you like a big brother or whether i want to date you...i'm not sure. but whichever it is i care about you. so youll just have to be satisfied with that answer for now." ahhh. what!? ah just when things are completely on a friends level he says this weirdness and all these feelings come rushing back. this is when i made my little "change". Because I was thinking to myself...Saul is the only guy I've truly cared about. He was more than a friend but he was my friend above all and that was important to me. So I was thinking about it...and what is the point of hooking up continuously with guys that don't matter and I KNOW will never turn into more than a one night thing?? Obviously what I want is a saul type relationship again...it just hasn't happened so I resort myself to having fun and not caring. But I think I'm truly over it. No one will believe me though until it actually is seen. Most people go crazy in college...so I just did senior year in high school....its alright. A phase perhaps?
Ok....thats it about that. I've been in major senior spring mode. I have so much extreme senioritis I don't even know what to do with myself!!! I don't feel like I care about working at all. I don't want to listen in classes, or do homework, or study. I don't care AT ALL. I went to dinner with friends on Monday and Tuesday, plus went to Alice's house also on Monday after dinner.....I would never go out on a shcool night before.
Gotta go...dinner. LISA just called....she got into GW! 5 for 5! ALL HER SCHOOLS!!! yay she is amazing...so smart!! i'm happy and proud of her!