I am that fucked up.
To follow on from the post on depression that is doing the rounds on facebook, I thought you all should know a little about what I deal with. I get the whole depression thing, but I can be fine, and out of the blue the littlest thing can bring my world crashing down. Innocent things get twisted in my brain to the point that my self esteem takes a hiding, that my logical understanding of things can be twisted. I can end up curled up on my bed bawling, because nothing makes the pain go away because I genuinely feel so alone and unloved and that nothing good is ever going to happen to me. It's so hard to stop feeling that way, and then I can find an even keel, and once again the rug is pulled from underneath me. That doesn't mean that is actual truth, the truth might be that the person who must not love me does, but when I get stuck on this twisted thinking, for me the truth is what I feel, not what it might actually be in the real world. So don't be offended if I post that I feel unloved or that I am so alone. I know people love me and are there for me and I know that good things can happen, but when I get taken over, I may as well just not know that cause in my head and heart I apparently don't. Yes this was a personal share, but I feel people should have an opportunity to understand what I go through on a daily basis. And for me right now its is all exacerbated by the fact that my very condition drove away the one person I love the most in this world. So I really don't like myself right now even though I know that I am a good loving person, I just can't fathom anything positive right now.