but in my neck of the woods i'm just the girl next door.
So for the past six months I’ve basically felt like a human guinea pig.
I’m sick
and it could be worse really so much worse
but that doesn't stop it from sucking as much as it does.
I haven’t really told people.
if you happen to know you are one of the few.
I haven’t even told my own father.
I just told my mom maybe a month ago.
it's strange being ashamed of something you can’t control
embarrassed and horrified and scared.
I’m out of pain meds again and seriously I don’t know why I bother.
I find myself still in pain and sick to boot.
the last week I was on them I threw up more times than I care to remember and the headaches made me want to die.
I can't drink more water if I tried as I am queen of water
no human I know drinks the stuff as much as I do.
I haven’t written much on it
I’ve vented it out to a few poor souls
and cried a few times to my husband
worried about if he'd love me despite that I’m falling apart.
Autoimmune disease
my oral surgeon told me.
nothing we can do
don’t know why people get it
2 percent of the population
there are worse things to have
you'll learn to deal with it.
I’m at the end of what I can do for you you'll have to see another dr.
another dr.
it's always another dr
another dr who looks puzzled at me
experiments on me
clueless worthless
and then it's on to the next.
at least the oral surgeon made it more bearable to eat... but how long will that last?
no more medicine and I begin to wonder if that mixed with an insane amount of stressed brought out this demon in me
my body is allergic to my body
it is attacking itself.
I knew I had make up allergies detergents lotions but this is ridiculous.
I’ve gained, if my grandmother’s scale is to be trusted, 8 pounds.
it doesn't seem like a lot except my jeans don’t fit.
and still I’m too skinny
how many carbs can I eat before everyone is happy with the way I look?
seriously
all my life I’ve been thin but never have I felt so bombarded with people saying shit about it.
so I must look sick.
so I keep eating as much as I can.
going to hit the gym so the weight becomes muscle not fat
and hopefully go up a size or two
and everyone will shut the fuck up.
and the looks on people’s faces when I eat!
like they have never seen anyone eat so much and stay so thin.
HA!
it's like a big fucking joke and I wasn’t told the punch line.
so Thursday was spent sad and there were tears, still are tears sometimes when I least expect them but mostly at night when I say goodbye to him.
my mother said it's the first of many goodbyes and that why I’m so sad.
I gave myself a day
and I spent the weekend with chase and pretty much low key off the level.
I’ve been off the map for a while now anyways
nothing new there.
tomorrow I begin life on my own.
waiting for my husband
working as hard as ever on different things
new tasks await
tonight I wait for a sleeping pill to kick in. I’ve spent every night he's been going tossing for two to three hours praying for sleep.
my mother wanted to know why I wasn’t taking it easy
relaxing a little. I just quit my job after all.
because I explained to her and a few others:
there is so much to be done and I have wasted enough time as it is.
although I did get tasks done around here and yet so many more to come!
slacking is what got me here in the first place.
time to fucking get up and go. I’m way behind in the race and I don’t want to be anymore.
we deserve so much better and we are both doing our part to get there.
I need to do my part 150% and it still doesn't compare to what he's doing
what he's giving up.
I respect him for that and I wish I could do more.
however I will not join the corp. I’m just not that kinda girl.
plus I doubt my body would allow it
who is the weak women I see in the mirror?!
where did she come from?
I banish her
I will not be her.
I’m sick
and it could be worse really so much worse
but that doesn't stop it from sucking as much as it does.
I haven’t really told people.
if you happen to know you are one of the few.
I haven’t even told my own father.
I just told my mom maybe a month ago.
it's strange being ashamed of something you can’t control
embarrassed and horrified and scared.
I’m out of pain meds again and seriously I don’t know why I bother.
I find myself still in pain and sick to boot.
the last week I was on them I threw up more times than I care to remember and the headaches made me want to die.
I can't drink more water if I tried as I am queen of water
no human I know drinks the stuff as much as I do.
I haven’t written much on it
I’ve vented it out to a few poor souls
and cried a few times to my husband
worried about if he'd love me despite that I’m falling apart.
Autoimmune disease
my oral surgeon told me.
nothing we can do
don’t know why people get it
2 percent of the population
there are worse things to have
you'll learn to deal with it.
I’m at the end of what I can do for you you'll have to see another dr.
another dr.
it's always another dr
another dr who looks puzzled at me
experiments on me
clueless worthless
and then it's on to the next.
at least the oral surgeon made it more bearable to eat... but how long will that last?
no more medicine and I begin to wonder if that mixed with an insane amount of stressed brought out this demon in me
my body is allergic to my body
it is attacking itself.
I knew I had make up allergies detergents lotions but this is ridiculous.
I’ve gained, if my grandmother’s scale is to be trusted, 8 pounds.
it doesn't seem like a lot except my jeans don’t fit.
and still I’m too skinny
how many carbs can I eat before everyone is happy with the way I look?
seriously
all my life I’ve been thin but never have I felt so bombarded with people saying shit about it.
so I must look sick.
so I keep eating as much as I can.
going to hit the gym so the weight becomes muscle not fat
and hopefully go up a size or two
and everyone will shut the fuck up.
and the looks on people’s faces when I eat!
like they have never seen anyone eat so much and stay so thin.
HA!
it's like a big fucking joke and I wasn’t told the punch line.
so Thursday was spent sad and there were tears, still are tears sometimes when I least expect them but mostly at night when I say goodbye to him.
my mother said it's the first of many goodbyes and that why I’m so sad.
I gave myself a day
and I spent the weekend with chase and pretty much low key off the level.
I’ve been off the map for a while now anyways
nothing new there.
tomorrow I begin life on my own.
waiting for my husband
working as hard as ever on different things
new tasks await
tonight I wait for a sleeping pill to kick in. I’ve spent every night he's been going tossing for two to three hours praying for sleep.
my mother wanted to know why I wasn’t taking it easy
relaxing a little. I just quit my job after all.
because I explained to her and a few others:
there is so much to be done and I have wasted enough time as it is.
although I did get tasks done around here and yet so many more to come!
slacking is what got me here in the first place.
time to fucking get up and go. I’m way behind in the race and I don’t want to be anymore.
we deserve so much better and we are both doing our part to get there.
I need to do my part 150% and it still doesn't compare to what he's doing
what he's giving up.
I respect him for that and I wish I could do more.
however I will not join the corp. I’m just not that kinda girl.
plus I doubt my body would allow it
who is the weak women I see in the mirror?!
where did she come from?
I banish her
I will not be her.