(no subject)
"Yesterday, Tiger Woods got married and among the guests were Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan and Bill Gates. Apparently, the three of them chipped in and bought the happy couple Indonesia."
"The other night in Miami, Paris Hilton made her singing debut and it was so bad she was booed off stage. Afterwards, Hilton said, 'I'd be embarrassed, if that were possible.'"
"One of the big rumors in Hollywood right now is that Jennifer Aniston is going to split up with Brad Pitt because he's spending too much time with Angelina Jolie. When asked to comment, Brad Pitt said, 'Isn't my life awesome?'"
"Since Bill O'Reilly was sued for sexual harassment, the ratings for his show have doubled. As a result, I just wish to say, 'Max, you have a sweet ass.'"
"John Kerry is being accused of using bad grammar to appeal to uneducated voters because yesterday he stopped in a store and asked, 'Can I get me a hunting license here?' After hearing about it President Bush said, 'It should be 'Can me get me a hunting license here?'"
"It's been reported that Mary Kate Olsen doesn't like going to school at NYU and she's thinking of dropping out of college. When asked why, Mary Kate said, 'I have a billion dollars.'"
"In a recent interview, Christina Aguilera admitted that she has sex while wearing handcuffs. Meanwhile, Bobby Brown admitted he does everything while wearing handcuffs."
"Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight-suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier."
"Yesterday, after giving a speech Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro tripped and fell on the floor. The floor was immediately arrested, interrogated and shot."
~Conan O'Brien
"The other night in Miami, Paris Hilton made her singing debut and it was so bad she was booed off stage. Afterwards, Hilton said, 'I'd be embarrassed, if that were possible.'"
"One of the big rumors in Hollywood right now is that Jennifer Aniston is going to split up with Brad Pitt because he's spending too much time with Angelina Jolie. When asked to comment, Brad Pitt said, 'Isn't my life awesome?'"
"Since Bill O'Reilly was sued for sexual harassment, the ratings for his show have doubled. As a result, I just wish to say, 'Max, you have a sweet ass.'"
"John Kerry is being accused of using bad grammar to appeal to uneducated voters because yesterday he stopped in a store and asked, 'Can I get me a hunting license here?' After hearing about it President Bush said, 'It should be 'Can me get me a hunting license here?'"
"It's been reported that Mary Kate Olsen doesn't like going to school at NYU and she's thinking of dropping out of college. When asked why, Mary Kate said, 'I have a billion dollars.'"
"In a recent interview, Christina Aguilera admitted that she has sex while wearing handcuffs. Meanwhile, Bobby Brown admitted he does everything while wearing handcuffs."
"Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight-suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier."
"Yesterday, after giving a speech Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro tripped and fell on the floor. The floor was immediately arrested, interrogated and shot."
~Conan O'Brien