every day is a new day.... or so i'm told
do you ever just go through the day without thinking about it? like, as the hours pass, you just go through the motions that you always go through? routinly, or something?
i feel so out-of-place. like i'm living, but i'm not really alive in the moment. and by the end of the day, i feel so dead. sleep feels alright, but it doesn't give me rest. because my mind is going 100 mph. my mind is sapping up all of my energy.
if i were someone else looking at me, one of the quirks i would see is a constant, continuing habit of touching my neck. or coughing, or clearing the throat, or touching the neck and chest.... and my mother, the new-age freak that she is (<3) says it's a blockage of my voice... metaphorically. there is energy or something being caught up in the throat chakrah... where your voice, your truth is kept. and i'm not saying something i should be. i'm keeping quiet when i need to hear myself. i'm staying in the dark on purpose.
i'm just afraid i guess of what i might have to say. i've planned everything already, and if i go off spouting something my "heart" has to say, it might change things... it would complicate a lot of things.
another thing is, i want someone to talk to. but at the same time, if i had someone i could talk to about the things i want to talk about, ... i dunno. it just seems like there would be someone that would then know what a freak i am, haha. i mean, who really wants to know everything going on inside me? maybe i wouldn't talk about all those things with that person. i dunno. it'd be nive to have someone there that i COULD talk to like that, even if i did't actually do it.
i just feel like i'm missing something. i have something to realize, but i haven't yet. i still need to find out what it is. i mean, god! i feel like i'm 13 again. only less happy. but i'm still figuring out who i am and where i am and and and.... jsut blargh! i'm 18, i know i don't know everything. i know i'm in a searching phase. it's normal, right?! yes indeed. i am just like everyone else. and i hate that...
i feel so out-of-place. like i'm living, but i'm not really alive in the moment. and by the end of the day, i feel so dead. sleep feels alright, but it doesn't give me rest. because my mind is going 100 mph. my mind is sapping up all of my energy.
if i were someone else looking at me, one of the quirks i would see is a constant, continuing habit of touching my neck. or coughing, or clearing the throat, or touching the neck and chest.... and my mother, the new-age freak that she is (<3) says it's a blockage of my voice... metaphorically. there is energy or something being caught up in the throat chakrah... where your voice, your truth is kept. and i'm not saying something i should be. i'm keeping quiet when i need to hear myself. i'm staying in the dark on purpose.
i'm just afraid i guess of what i might have to say. i've planned everything already, and if i go off spouting something my "heart" has to say, it might change things... it would complicate a lot of things.
another thing is, i want someone to talk to. but at the same time, if i had someone i could talk to about the things i want to talk about, ... i dunno. it just seems like there would be someone that would then know what a freak i am, haha. i mean, who really wants to know everything going on inside me? maybe i wouldn't talk about all those things with that person. i dunno. it'd be nive to have someone there that i COULD talk to like that, even if i did't actually do it.
i just feel like i'm missing something. i have something to realize, but i haven't yet. i still need to find out what it is. i mean, god! i feel like i'm 13 again. only less happy. but i'm still figuring out who i am and where i am and and and.... jsut blargh! i'm 18, i know i don't know everything. i know i'm in a searching phase. it's normal, right?! yes indeed. i am just like everyone else. and i hate that...