fuck...or more precisely a lack thereof

[jagged_xtc]

I tried to have a night out with crimson_storm, and I suppose we did, but our time together was most distracted by the nice guy and his SWFF. And, predictably, once we finally made it home around who knows when, and got into bed, we bickered a good hour before finally curling up, side by side at 3:30 am, not touching at all

Comments

[jagged_xtc]

Not me. I was an only child of professionals who insulated me from thier abusive relatives, so I only had to meet my mothers parents three times and my fathers parents about a dozen times. I don't know any of my other relatives, as I've never had to endure family renunions or holidays with the relatives. As you might imagine, I was quite popular in my youth, growing up in a rural bible belt town with long hair and a activist feminist single mother and an enviable propensity to cry at school. Things remained mostly upbeat after I learned to fuck and was able to freely move from one long term self defeating relationship to another.

In fact, my life has been so good, I've lived alone only twice in my life, for about 2 months when I was 23 and about 3 months right after my divorce 5 years ago. Fortunately I've never had to face myself directly in the mirror, nor learn to love myself, as I've been afforded the oppportunity to use rapid serial monogamy to insulate myself from ever dealing seriously with any of my issues.

Thankfully now I can continue on my rewarding path by concerning myself with children and drinking myself to oblivion. Sweet, huh?

[secretsquirrel7]

I think the "learning to love one's self" is a little over-rated, if not, a complete myth or unatainable ideal. I mean, how many people you know really "love themself", and can say so without any qualifications or reservation, and actually show evidence of this state of being? Everyone needs therapy, therefore no one needs therapy. Maybe you just need to BE you, rather than chasing some ideal that everyone talks about but no one seems to really measure up to. You may not believe it, but I kinda hate myself too. I think we all do when things don't work out how we plan or hope - which is usually most of our lives.

We are all human, and as you have observed, even my saintly-shiny-happy-optimistic-witty personality is simply the placid mountain hiding a volcano underneath. This morning I had a moment of clarity and recalled what happened last Sunday at my house regarding the incident of me "yelling":
Your girl asked me one of her psycho-intrusive, pointy and direct questions about how I "felt" about something regarding my negative baggage and I simply stared her straight in the eyes and dropped all of my emotional controls on my underlying negative emotions. I felt (and heard in my own head) a loud howl of rage, angst, sorrow and loneliness - everything I keep a tight lid on except when no one is around and I'm particularly moody, and let her have it telepathically. Which probably explains why no one recalls exactly what the hell happened. I sincerely apologize for the unintended physical backlash, but she did ask for it specifically. That's why I don't wear that part of my heart on my sleeve. Like I told her later, you purposefully lance a wound, expect to get some puss on you.

[jagged_xtc]

"her psycho-intrusive, pointy and direct questions"

...heh *nods*

Thing is, she kinda wallows in that sort of emotional punching bag reality, says she always seems to be the person people can vent on.

Whatevah twists your nipples, or floats your cork, or something...

but regards to the "love yourself"...I do realize some of the self-help crap out there is pretty over the top, but I must admit I have some pretty chronic feelings of self-loathing, and doing things to improve said attitude for myself is a good idea.

Moderation is the key. That key I lost a few decades back when I read William Blake's quote: "The path of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." I'm pretty fuckin' wise by now, don'tcha think?

[secretsquirrel7]

LOL! Wise indeed. Well, did Blake mention that the path is paved with the stones and mortar of regret and self-loathing? You're right, of course, about the moderation. As any armchair philosophy reveals: anything in excess can be detrimental to one's mental, physical or spiritual health. Maybe the if one equates love to forgiveness and intent not to always make the same mistakes - maybe simple hope for something better, the idea of "self-love" becomes a little more realistic.