These past years have been anything BUT productive or enlightening.
I've come to the realization that I can no longer run away from my emotions, problems, tasks and ultimately growth.
I have knowingly and continually stunted my own growth as a person, I don't think I ever got past age 16 mentally.
The preconceived notion of being an "Adult" has gone out the window, I don't think i'll ever become an "Adult",
at least not what modern society perceives it to be. I'm sitting here gulping down an energy drink and realizing whats been missing in my life. The things that once kept me sane I have strayed from.
1.Music
2.Poetry
3.Running
4.Reading
I am now in the habit of putting things off or just simply NOT caring. This has to stop, this MUST stop. I can't peter pan my way through life and this is a kick in the arse. Although it saddens me to know this, i am rather happy while being productive. I feel as though my brain is a sponge... I haven't poured water on it in years...
As i was contemplating life lying in bed, i came to the awful realization that all my unhappiness, all my tasks that once were mounds became mountains, only by my hand, I and I alone did this to Jade. I am the only one who can change this.
Now onto Love...
Why is everyone chasing this "Love"? I myself when I was a bit younger did chase it aswell, I chased a fairytale.
I no longer feel the need to be loved, to love or to even have love. [romantic love, mind you]
There is something liberating about being alone, being your own person, not chasing something so unrealistic.
Love is really left up to personal interpretation.. Eros at least.
Intangible bullshit that most people chase for a sense of well being,
I found that well being in drugs. meditation, hot bubble baths and a good book.
Tell me is it not the high you seek from being in love that you most crave?
Its the tingle..the rapid heartbeat, the butterflies, dilated pupils and over whelming sense of happiness.
Religion
Oh how I long to believe in you...
These panic attacks would stop.
I envy the religious
While writing this I have thought about picking up my cell and making a call for pain killers,
2x. It feels like someone is trying to claw their way from the inside - out.
I'm disappointed at myself for the use of Oxycontin, I now have a huge tolerance for any type of painkiller.
I'm disappointed at myself for the use of Meth, i have done it these past 3 months more than i'd like to admit.
I'm disappointed at myself for abusing the only body and mind I will ever possess.
The only thing I can do now is hope to change.
I think Jade is still in there somewhere...
I have knowingly and continually stunted my own growth as a person, I don't think I ever got past age 16 mentally.
The preconceived notion of being an "Adult" has gone out the window, I don't think i'll ever become an "Adult",
at least not what modern society perceives it to be. I'm sitting here gulping down an energy drink and realizing whats been missing in my life. The things that once kept me sane I have strayed from.
1.Music
2.Poetry
3.Running
4.Reading
I am now in the habit of putting things off or just simply NOT caring. This has to stop, this MUST stop. I can't peter pan my way through life and this is a kick in the arse. Although it saddens me to know this, i am rather happy while being productive. I feel as though my brain is a sponge... I haven't poured water on it in years...
As i was contemplating life lying in bed, i came to the awful realization that all my unhappiness, all my tasks that once were mounds became mountains, only by my hand, I and I alone did this to Jade. I am the only one who can change this.
Now onto Love...
Why is everyone chasing this "Love"? I myself when I was a bit younger did chase it aswell, I chased a fairytale.
I no longer feel the need to be loved, to love or to even have love. [romantic love, mind you]
There is something liberating about being alone, being your own person, not chasing something so unrealistic.
Love is really left up to personal interpretation.. Eros at least.
Intangible bullshit that most people chase for a sense of well being,
I found that well being in drugs. meditation, hot bubble baths and a good book.
Tell me is it not the high you seek from being in love that you most crave?
Its the tingle..the rapid heartbeat, the butterflies, dilated pupils and over whelming sense of happiness.
Religion
Oh how I long to believe in you...
These panic attacks would stop.
I envy the religious
While writing this I have thought about picking up my cell and making a call for pain killers,
2x. It feels like someone is trying to claw their way from the inside - out.
I'm disappointed at myself for the use of Oxycontin, I now have a huge tolerance for any type of painkiller.
I'm disappointed at myself for the use of Meth, i have done it these past 3 months more than i'd like to admit.
I'm disappointed at myself for abusing the only body and mind I will ever possess.
The only thing I can do now is hope to change.
I think Jade is still in there somewhere...