further down the spiral
Basically, I'm pissed. I'm frustrated. I'm fucking fed up. I should no longer give a shit what people around me think of my intuitions, gut feelings, etc. I just got back from a 3 week backpacking adventure both in the Olympic mountains and on the beach out on the peninsula. If there's anything I learned out there - it's that my gut is dead-fucking-on, and that I'm one hell of a capable woman. I learned that I can keep a group of 9 teenagers safe, even in the midst of a quite dangerous situation. I learned yet again that my willingness and ability to take the hard stance, to say no, to take someone down, to look like "the bitch," to do what is right, what is necessary, is one of my greatest strengths and gifts in this life. As I mentioned to some folks in the weeks leading up to the journey (when I was Joan-of-Arc'ing some real shit with Jeff), my ability and my loyalty to my ability was forged in fire. In reality, it's more than that. My willingness to get real fucking serious real fucking fast and lay down a boundary over which I'll die and/or kill to protect, that willingness, it hasn't just been forged in fire. First, my unwillingness to stand, my fear of being wrong, my victimhood, my allegiance to pacifism, and my own shadowed manipulation of my love for mercy to escape responsibility and consequence (in other words, to escape reality), first that was put to death. Why and how one might ask.
1.
Before I did the deed, before I killed 'the intruder' in my psyche, I stood up for him. It starts with a real person, doing real physical crimes. Punishable crimes. Illegal crimes. Heinous crimes. He betrayed children and me in the most heinous of ways. He hurt children and supported their deliverance in to the hands of demons, and when I found out his secrets, he explained how he himself was a victim of his childhood, how he had been delivered in to the hands of demons, and how if I exposed the secrets to protect the children from him, nothing would happen for the children (they were already hidden away by evil individuals), and he would be murdered. And because I was scared and did not have faith, I believed him. I tried to make demands, to force his healing. He promised to stop. I believed him, and maybe he even did for awhile. I insisted that he expose his secrets to others that care about him. He lied to them. I insisted that he get into therapy. He found a therapist he could simply lie to. And as this weak-ass cop-out solution unfolded, I lost any ability to trust myself, him, or other men. I became more and more terrified by the world around me. I had acted in accordance with the belief that there is no protection in this world for children from this evil, that we cannot stop these acts, and that honesty will only bring violence and destruction, vengeance and hate. Because I had chosen to believe these lies, I was utterly terrified. I knew I couldn't control his actions, and I knew he wasn't facing his demons. As such, I was simply the enabler, controlled by my own fear. This turned my heart dark very quickly. I became more like him. I had let his vampires in to my house, and they were feeding on me. I was terrified by what was happening to my consciousness and I knew it meant I had made a big mistake. I had PTSD and would go in to a state of rage and terror around older men in public. I hated the world and I hated myself. I knew I had to change, and I knew I needed help, badly.
So he and I ended our relationship, I got in to therapy, and I started going to a 12-step program. I meditated all the time. I started drinking Daime. And slowly, I started understanding that I had done exactly what he had done. I betrayed myself. I betrayed the children by not facing harsh realities to stand up for and protect them. I had seen the entire situation as his fault - myself as his victim. I had chosen to believe that the world is an ugly and untrustworthy place, and by acting as such, I had myself become quite ugly and untrustworthy. I had been creating the world I was so afraid of through my choices.
I knew I had to go back to the source of my hell. I had to go back to ground zero and learn something I had missed. My life depended on it. On a psychological level, I did not yet know what any of this meant. All I really understood was that I was really fucked up, I had PTSD, I didn't trust anything, I was scared and triggered most of the time, my heart was getting darker and I was essentially becoming evil, and that somehow this all had to do with the nightmare that had occurred with this man. It was like I had been in some devastating car crash, and had woken up with many injuries, and no memory. And as time passed I was discovering more injuries, more disabilities, and only by paying acute attention to and time with these injuries and my pain could I begin to uncover memories of the accident. Only by diving in to the pain could I become conscious of what had happened to me. So I did a lot of this. Feeling in to the pain, into my own insanity, in to my rage, my fear. It was pretty fucking challenging. I had a lot of help. I had really begun to trust God to help heal me, to bring me back to sanity. I was walking with Him step by step. I also had a powerfully strong intuition at this time that always brought to the surface exactly what I was ready to see and exactly what would lead me on the next step to redemption. So eventually, in deep meditation, I came to the see that I needed a fierce and powerful protection in my life, in my psyche, in the world. To survive, I needed to believe that protection exists, and is possible. I needed a relationship with the spirit of protection. As I encountered this spirit, I was shown that protection requires a sacrifice from each of us. I was given the choice: go on in life without protection in any sense, or become willing to sacrifice evil for the sake of protection. My psyche made the sacrifice. I killed what was evil in order to hear the spirit of protection speak to me. And it did. The seed of loyalty and trust was planted. A new choice was made.
After this meditation, the deep darkness that was locked inside of me began to crack open and loosen. Now that I was prepared to make different choices, now that I understood why it was necessary on a deep archetypal and spiritual level, my skeletons began coming out of the closet. I started becoming conscious of exactly why my heart had darkened, exactly why I was terrified of men, exactly how I had wounded myself in choosing to interfere with the natural consequences for the man's crimes, in choosing to lie for him. Now I could see that I needed to tell the truth, and face the consequences. So I did. The consequences in this case were that he was not held accountable for his actions. My lie blocked that. I also lost respect from some, and I entered a new dynamic with the man. I became his friend again. I stopped hating him. I stopped blaming him. And I promised to hold him accountable for his actions. I told him if I ever became aware of such crimes again, I would act to protect the children. I told him I would keep an eye on him. After these actions I took to accept responsibility for my lies, and to act honestly, the PTSD simply went away. I remember after the call to the therapist I had lied to for the man, when I told him the truth about what I'd discovered, how I'd lied, I felt nothing after the call. Nothing positive, nothing negative. A little afraid of that nothingness, I went back into hypnotic meditation, and was told that I had made my offer on the altar, and that was all I had to do, and to simply trust. Within the next two days, I could see that the fear, the terror, the rage (in short the PTSD), was just gone, without a trace. So was the darkness in my own heart. I stopped having nightmares. Everything changed, and perfectly, exquisitely. I was just healed. It was over.
And more than this, the type of predatory energy I'd always attracted in my life, that energy no longer wanted anything to do with me. In fact, it was scared of me. The few instances where I felt I was being sized up by someone who was salivating and licking their chops, as I had sensed regularly before this ordeal, I turned and faced the predatory gaze and the other immediately backed down, backed away. I now had a fierceness about me that clearly, though without words, communicated that I am powerful, that I am not prey.
1.
Before I did the deed, before I killed 'the intruder' in my psyche, I stood up for him. It starts with a real person, doing real physical crimes. Punishable crimes. Illegal crimes. Heinous crimes. He betrayed children and me in the most heinous of ways. He hurt children and supported their deliverance in to the hands of demons, and when I found out his secrets, he explained how he himself was a victim of his childhood, how he had been delivered in to the hands of demons, and how if I exposed the secrets to protect the children from him, nothing would happen for the children (they were already hidden away by evil individuals), and he would be murdered. And because I was scared and did not have faith, I believed him. I tried to make demands, to force his healing. He promised to stop. I believed him, and maybe he even did for awhile. I insisted that he expose his secrets to others that care about him. He lied to them. I insisted that he get into therapy. He found a therapist he could simply lie to. And as this weak-ass cop-out solution unfolded, I lost any ability to trust myself, him, or other men. I became more and more terrified by the world around me. I had acted in accordance with the belief that there is no protection in this world for children from this evil, that we cannot stop these acts, and that honesty will only bring violence and destruction, vengeance and hate. Because I had chosen to believe these lies, I was utterly terrified. I knew I couldn't control his actions, and I knew he wasn't facing his demons. As such, I was simply the enabler, controlled by my own fear. This turned my heart dark very quickly. I became more like him. I had let his vampires in to my house, and they were feeding on me. I was terrified by what was happening to my consciousness and I knew it meant I had made a big mistake. I had PTSD and would go in to a state of rage and terror around older men in public. I hated the world and I hated myself. I knew I had to change, and I knew I needed help, badly.
So he and I ended our relationship, I got in to therapy, and I started going to a 12-step program. I meditated all the time. I started drinking Daime. And slowly, I started understanding that I had done exactly what he had done. I betrayed myself. I betrayed the children by not facing harsh realities to stand up for and protect them. I had seen the entire situation as his fault - myself as his victim. I had chosen to believe that the world is an ugly and untrustworthy place, and by acting as such, I had myself become quite ugly and untrustworthy. I had been creating the world I was so afraid of through my choices.
I knew I had to go back to the source of my hell. I had to go back to ground zero and learn something I had missed. My life depended on it. On a psychological level, I did not yet know what any of this meant. All I really understood was that I was really fucked up, I had PTSD, I didn't trust anything, I was scared and triggered most of the time, my heart was getting darker and I was essentially becoming evil, and that somehow this all had to do with the nightmare that had occurred with this man. It was like I had been in some devastating car crash, and had woken up with many injuries, and no memory. And as time passed I was discovering more injuries, more disabilities, and only by paying acute attention to and time with these injuries and my pain could I begin to uncover memories of the accident. Only by diving in to the pain could I become conscious of what had happened to me. So I did a lot of this. Feeling in to the pain, into my own insanity, in to my rage, my fear. It was pretty fucking challenging. I had a lot of help. I had really begun to trust God to help heal me, to bring me back to sanity. I was walking with Him step by step. I also had a powerfully strong intuition at this time that always brought to the surface exactly what I was ready to see and exactly what would lead me on the next step to redemption. So eventually, in deep meditation, I came to the see that I needed a fierce and powerful protection in my life, in my psyche, in the world. To survive, I needed to believe that protection exists, and is possible. I needed a relationship with the spirit of protection. As I encountered this spirit, I was shown that protection requires a sacrifice from each of us. I was given the choice: go on in life without protection in any sense, or become willing to sacrifice evil for the sake of protection. My psyche made the sacrifice. I killed what was evil in order to hear the spirit of protection speak to me. And it did. The seed of loyalty and trust was planted. A new choice was made.
After this meditation, the deep darkness that was locked inside of me began to crack open and loosen. Now that I was prepared to make different choices, now that I understood why it was necessary on a deep archetypal and spiritual level, my skeletons began coming out of the closet. I started becoming conscious of exactly why my heart had darkened, exactly why I was terrified of men, exactly how I had wounded myself in choosing to interfere with the natural consequences for the man's crimes, in choosing to lie for him. Now I could see that I needed to tell the truth, and face the consequences. So I did. The consequences in this case were that he was not held accountable for his actions. My lie blocked that. I also lost respect from some, and I entered a new dynamic with the man. I became his friend again. I stopped hating him. I stopped blaming him. And I promised to hold him accountable for his actions. I told him if I ever became aware of such crimes again, I would act to protect the children. I told him I would keep an eye on him. After these actions I took to accept responsibility for my lies, and to act honestly, the PTSD simply went away. I remember after the call to the therapist I had lied to for the man, when I told him the truth about what I'd discovered, how I'd lied, I felt nothing after the call. Nothing positive, nothing negative. A little afraid of that nothingness, I went back into hypnotic meditation, and was told that I had made my offer on the altar, and that was all I had to do, and to simply trust. Within the next two days, I could see that the fear, the terror, the rage (in short the PTSD), was just gone, without a trace. So was the darkness in my own heart. I stopped having nightmares. Everything changed, and perfectly, exquisitely. I was just healed. It was over.
And more than this, the type of predatory energy I'd always attracted in my life, that energy no longer wanted anything to do with me. In fact, it was scared of me. The few instances where I felt I was being sized up by someone who was salivating and licking their chops, as I had sensed regularly before this ordeal, I turned and faced the predatory gaze and the other immediately backed down, backed away. I now had a fierceness about me that clearly, though without words, communicated that I am powerful, that I am not prey.