(no subject)
I had some really eye-opening dreams last night. I feel really lonely today, now. I spent time with Kim yesterday and today that I think I probably should have spent alone. My room is a mess. I'm still working at Chipotle and have little or nothing to show for my job efforts. I can't seem to bring myself to work on my resume, even though I really truly despise my job. I have no one to hang out with, though I know I need to spend time alone anyway. I feel a bit like puking. I don't look ugly but I feel like I do anyway. I want a new job but am not working on making that a reality. Waiting for it to hurt enough? I don't want to run away from my pain. Maybe I'm just waiting until I feel truly present, so that the pain and discomfort can drive me not to escape, but to drive through, to create something new.
Again, and always, I face this resistance to believing something beautiful can happen, that I can do this. I can grow. I can let go of Jeff. I can resist rebounding. I can stay awake, I can do my therapy work, I can clean my room and work out and do it all intentionally, not compulsively. I can make new friends. I deserve the kind of friends I want. I can get back on the line when I fall off. I can find a new job by following my heart and writing a resume that reflects my true values and strengths.
I can make more music. I can learn to dance. I can will love and desire back in to my life. I can stand being alone. I can bear witness to my terror. I can face it. I can bear the memories that are resurfacing, without shaming myself, without acting compulsively on or against them. I am not alone. I am not alone. I am not alone. I am here.
Again, and always, I face this resistance to believing something beautiful can happen, that I can do this. I can grow. I can let go of Jeff. I can resist rebounding. I can stay awake, I can do my therapy work, I can clean my room and work out and do it all intentionally, not compulsively. I can make new friends. I deserve the kind of friends I want. I can get back on the line when I fall off. I can find a new job by following my heart and writing a resume that reflects my true values and strengths.
I can make more music. I can learn to dance. I can will love and desire back in to my life. I can stand being alone. I can bear witness to my terror. I can face it. I can bear the memories that are resurfacing, without shaming myself, without acting compulsively on or against them. I am not alone. I am not alone. I am not alone. I am here.