Alone.

[jaeluvsme]

 I've been a wreck these few days. Had a skype session with mommy dearest, and at first it was like always you know, how's the weather, how are you doing and all that awkward stuff you say just because they're necessary. And then she started talking about her friends. I just listened at first and then came the million dollar question, "Do you have a best friend Sofia?"

And then I cried. Like for a whole hour. Mom just talked and talked, doing her psycho stuff I think (I never know when she does it, damn psychiatrists). And all these thoughts came rushing to my head. I thought I was doing fine here in Warsaw. I am. God knows it's a whole lot better than when I was in college back in Malaysia. But it's the little things that you don't have, that you think are not important, that you crave for, that make your life hard. I cried for the best friends I never had.

I always say that I don't need a best friend. I have friends and they're enough. Honestly, that's my way of saying 'Fuck off, I don't wanna talk about it.' Frankly, people in general are scared of me. I get moody and awkward all the time. I'm too quiet. I'm a nerd. I'm gay. I'm everything they're not used to. Hell, I should buy a shirt that says 'socially stigmatized.'

I tried letting my friends know that I need them. I tried the 'you're the closest I have to a best friend' thing, and they ignore me. Too much pressure I suppose. But when you live with people surrounded by friends who love and appreciate them, don't you hope for that too?

I'm really tired of being alone.