anti-social
Tonight has been a revelation of some sort. The friends I've deserted in the past are the ones who stayed by me till this day.
A few years back, I used to hang out with these three people. We get along fine. We hang out, study, write assignments, eat, well practically spent 75% percent of our time together. But these friends of mine live together, and me, I got stuck with some other girls who won't, can't, give a rat's ass about each other, me included. My class, it has this stereotypical element to it, where all those who room together (sleep in dorms together), stuck together. And me, being the odd one out, stood out like a sore thumb. I tried, god help me I tried. But then I started feeling left out in conversations, cause for god's sake, they spent every living second together. It was bound to happen.
One of my housemates even talked to me about it. Saying that they 'bullied' me. Which is entirely false. But I cracked. I can't stand feeling unimportant. And trust me, I felt plenty of that. So, the very next day, I stopped talking to them. They literally didn't exist to me. They left me to my own company. But they did try to strike up a conversation or two and sometimes even invited me to lunch. I rejected every single time. That made me happy in a perverse sort of way. I was needed. They didn't forget me even when I left them. But what was done was done. We drifted apart.
I started hanging out with that housemate of mine. We were the only ones in the same class, thus following the stereotype rule, we stuck together. But she was a bitch. Her temper tantrums were dangerous to the point of insanity. I had to mind every word I said. It was crazy. She made me cry, me the soulless bitch. I NEVER CRY. She had this thought that everything revolved around her. And maybe it did to some extent. I hated her. If I ever was anti-social, she made me become a near recluse.
And then I got the offer to study in Poland, my housemate in India. I was happy. I was relieved. I was glad I didn't have to face that bitch anymore. And those 3 ex-friends of mine, one got the offer for Poland, another for Czech and the last India. Now, I get along well with them. We weren't as close as before, but we're okay.
We're okay. And that's important. People are different, I know this now. I don't need best friends. I don't need people to know my secrets. I just need someone I can trust to not let me down. Jealousy, is still a very big part of me. I get jealous when my friends ignore me. I get jealous for the smallest of things. But I've toned it down a bit through the years. I still need to remember that ignored does not mean not needed. I need to change myself, my perception, my everything, to be just a little bit happier.