MMmmmmmm more than Jesus
It's Christmas Eve. I was thinking about giving up Christmas, seeing as it's purely secular for me and it basically represents the Christian faith, something I blatantly disassociate myself from. Whoops. I'm not sure I could let it go. There's just something about the night before such a glorious morning. Christmas Eve is this special, waiting time. This stopped being about gifts a while ago for me. I no longer dream about what's under the tree. Now it's nothing more than anticipating the morning feeling. Being with my family, all drowsy-eyed and smiling, with the cold outside blustering away, are the makings of my reveries. We are untouchable in those early day moments. We're safe there, under the dim glow of the white lights, tightly wrapped in the aroma of brewing coffee. It's perfect because of all the little imperfect things. So I'm dreaming not about materialism at dawn, but of the way I feel in a crappy nightgown, close to my mother's warmth and smell. She has this certain scent that no one else has. And I know no one else ever will. So I try to soak up the jokes over the ripping of wrapping paper; and my dad's sarcastic voice, and the way Greg is always surprised somehow, and million other things- mostly the feeling of being somewhere you eternally belong. When I think of that, and all it conjures, I cannot help but dream.
As a college student, I tend to think of my life in semesters. This one has proved insanely hectic, stressful, meaningful, hilarious, trying, intense, and amazing. I thought going to Hungary would change me. Looking back, so did returning home. In short, it has been an incredible year and a crazy time in my life. There have been many firsts and I have ultimately challenged myself in everything. I have recently accepted I will always be pushed to challenge a certain part of me. That is just how I am. I'm proud of this year and I'm proud of all the people in my life. They each are astounding. Seriously and truly. That's a huge gift, both to see that and to be able to say it about those that surround you.
One of my favorite memories was the dinner party I had recently at my house. Everyone sort of knows one another, but it's fun to see how boys and girls, or perhaps men and women rather, interact. Quite comical really. But it was fun for me to watch all these paths intersecting, if only for a night. We aren't just going through the motions anymore. We are becoming grown ups and we're doing mature things, (who knew) like hosting parties where you sit around and talk and drink wine. I really, really loved that feeling. I hope to have more parties like that. For everyone that came, thank you so much. I have always said, if you are in my house, you are in me. I let only the ones I care most into my sanctuary. Once you come, you are forever welcome. Just ask my mother. :)
I'm filled with a certain sense that I never want to go away. And it's not just because it's Christmas, when it's easier to be open, to bare your soul, to give love more freely just because, although that certainly helps. It's a new type of belonging. It's learning to be completely comfortable in my skin and letting someone else in entirely. Things I never thought would happen for me did. Maybe it's just luck, maybe it's not, but it feels so goddamn good and I feel so fortunate to hold it, to feel it inside me. To matter to people, to have them matter to you. It's love. It's meaning. It is everything.
Happy Holidays. May love find you whereever you are, in whatever place you are. Love always, Jenna
B-Day, special shout out.......................I miss you guys. Two weeks is definitely my limit. Actually, one week is pushing it.