*gah*
I feel so...spastic, I guess is the only word I can think of. I mean, I get...I don't want to say "depressed" because it doesn't feel like depression to me or at least not like depression has felt to me in the past, but I know it looks like it to other people, and if I'm really depressed, I wouldn't really be the best judge of my condition, would I?
At any rate, I feel fairly worthless, and it looks like self-flagellation to other people and feels to me like an honest assessment of my value. People do not respond well to it in casual conversation, and I know this, and this is why I have a mental filter for such things, but when I get really tired, as I have been for pretty much the entirety of the year, the filter doesn't work.
And really, I don't even know how I got on that. What I meant to say is I'm feeling really tired, and I keep screwing things up, and I just want to spend a couple of weeks without obligations, but this is not the time for it. Even fulfilling orders, while I'm immensely pleased to be getting paid for crafting and have my work appreciated, feels heavy. Like, I have to order supplies and make things in time I can't find and try to get everything out so it arrives by Christmas, and really, I just want to make more things for me.
And it doesn't help that I keep staying up to these ridiculous hours of the early morning shopping for supplies or dresses or Christmas gifts, and then I'm exhausted at work the next day. I'm so unfocused, and I feel like a 5-year-old on a sugar high on a macro level, and it's just making me angrier with myself that I can't just sit down and focus and get shit done like a fucking adult.
At any rate, I feel fairly worthless, and it looks like self-flagellation to other people and feels to me like an honest assessment of my value. People do not respond well to it in casual conversation, and I know this, and this is why I have a mental filter for such things, but when I get really tired, as I have been for pretty much the entirety of the year, the filter doesn't work.
And really, I don't even know how I got on that. What I meant to say is I'm feeling really tired, and I keep screwing things up, and I just want to spend a couple of weeks without obligations, but this is not the time for it. Even fulfilling orders, while I'm immensely pleased to be getting paid for crafting and have my work appreciated, feels heavy. Like, I have to order supplies and make things in time I can't find and try to get everything out so it arrives by Christmas, and really, I just want to make more things for me.
And it doesn't help that I keep staying up to these ridiculous hours of the early morning shopping for supplies or dresses or Christmas gifts, and then I'm exhausted at work the next day. I'm so unfocused, and I feel like a 5-year-old on a sugar high on a macro level, and it's just making me angrier with myself that I can't just sit down and focus and get shit done like a fucking adult.