vixx {little talks, ken&leo, (3/5)}
“He did what.” Hakyeon said, his voice flat, barely concealing his teeming anger below the surface.
Taekwoon shrugged, frowning at Hakyeon from across the table. “He kissed me and then had an existential crisis and ran away.”
Hakyeon closed his eyes and looked as if he had enough of Jaehwan to last him the next century and a half. “I knew he was dumb but this is something else.”
Taekwoon had to crack a small smile at that, sipping at his boba. “It’s not worth the energy getting worked up over it.” He said in what he hoped was a placating voice. “I’m not upset over it, I just wanted to let you know.”
Hakyeon’s own drink went ignored as he stared at him incredulously. “Still not upset over it? You’ve been sulking. Don’t give me that look, I can tell the difference between the neutral Taekwoon face and the ‘one of my best friends just kissed me then disappeared out of my life’ face. They’re very different.”
Only strong feelings of friendship for Hakyeon kept Taekwoon from rolling his eyes. He was still upset and deep down inside, he did appreciate the fact that Hakyeon could tell but he only wanted to go home and study or do something marginally productive to keep his mind off of the events at late. Hakyeon forcing him to meet up and repeat everything just so he could renew his own personal fires of vengeance against Jaehwan was in fact, quite tiring.
“I’ve known him for years and every time I think he’s grown up a little and started thinking about something other than himself, I’m always proven wrong.” Hakyeon grumbled. “Sanghyuk tells me he hasn’t been doing anything other than dragging him out to parties nearly every night.” He added as an afternote, as if looking for one more reason to stay justified in his anger.
“He’s probably back to sleeping his way around the city, then.” Taekwoon said, unintentionally bitter. He was a little surprised even at himself, usually always weighing his words before speaking but he could not help the fact that besides still being a bit upset over the whole situation, he was angry, the emotion coiling itself around his chest and constricting him. It just made him feel tired in the end.
“Oh, Taekwoon.” Hakyeon said, his eyes softening. Without warning, he practically flung himself across the table to envelop him in a hug, despite the awkward positioning. “You’ll get over this even if it means my father hiring a mafia to beat that skinny little shit up.”
Rich kids, Taekwoon thought dimly as he got the life squeezed out of him by Cha Hakyeon.
-
The first time Taekwoon saw Jaehwan again was a week later and his stomach rolled with a mixture of anger and elation before it quickly filled with horror. Jaehwan’s eyes flit across the choir room to meet briefly with Taekwoon’s, sporting a rather obvious black eye, along with some rather prominent scratches. He looked away quickly in favor of laughing quietly at whatever the girl next to him said and it seemed as if he was dismissing his injuries but his smile never meet his eyes, his eyes dark as they stared ahead, obviously zoning out when he was usually the first to answer questions and interject with his own suggestions to improve the choir.
He had heard the rumors and had passed them off as simply that. Rumors. They were abundant in the school, especially surrounding Jaehwan and the more malicious ones were often started by people he recently dumped and so usually lacked much credibility but no, Taekwoon, had refused to believe the newest set of them but it seemed as if he had proof of their truth in front of his very eyes.
-
Jaehwan was still all too predictable after school. He caught him alone as his other friends left the choir room, closing the door behind him with an air of finality.
“Jaehwan, what happened?” Taekwoon asked, his voice barely louder than a whisper.
“I don’t get at least a ‘How was your day’ first before being interrogated?” Jaehwan joked weakly but even so, he took a step away, his eyes wary.
“No,” said Taekwoon. “You can’t just disappear for a week and return looking like this and avoid not only me but Hakyeon and Sanghyuk as well.”
Jaehwan drew his arms across his body and growled, “It’s none of your business if I do not wish to tell you. I should not have left so suddenly but I do not recall having to recount every moment of my life with you three.” He looked like a cornered animal, faltering in front of Taekwoon’s calm exterior.
“You said so yourself, you can’t keep your own secrets. I’ve heard the rumors just as everyone else has.”
He flinched visibly at that, his face contorting. “You have never believed in rumors before this.” His voice was probably meant to be accusatory but it fell short, sounding almost meek.
“Then tell me what happened.”
They stared at each other until Jaehwan tore his gaze away, pacing the length of the room. “It was just me being an idiot and letting my pride get to me.”
“That is not new. That usually does not end in you looking like you came off worse in a street fight.” Taekwoon said quietly.
Jaehwan barked a short laugh. “I suppose not. But that is surprisingly close to what happened.” He turned to catch Taekwoon’s slight expression of surprise.
“I know that they’ve been gossiping about me. I went to a party, got drunk, too drunk, actually, and you won’t believe what happened next. Actually, you will. I hooked up with a guy, word got around and I didn’t know. Next party I went to, someone called me out in front of everyone and I lost my temper and as you’ve noted before, I’m not the biggest guy around.” He ran a hand through his hair, taking in a deep shuddering breath that filled his shaking body before deflating. “I denied it but you, of course, know the truth.
“I know you’ve seen very little of me lately but believe me, many people have altogether stopped talking to me or ridicule me. Some still hang around me but I’m still almost certain that they’re just trying to confirm the rumors. Perhaps that’s me being a bit pessimistic about the whole thing but I can not pretend that I’m not affected by this,” He seemed to be searching for the words as he stared at the ground. “So called fall from grace.” He gave a wry little smile. “It can not be helped, I suppose. Not when it was my own fault.”
It seemed that once Jaehwan started talking, it was hard for him to stop, spilling his thoughts and baring them to Taekwoon because now he looked unsteady, unsure. Taekwoon hated how hard it was to remain upset at Jaehwan, knew he shouldn’t let go of his anger this easily. Not when he had been pushed away so easily before but he was always too soft, too easy. “Still, you don’t deserve this.” He said finally, cursing himself for the way his chest tightened when Jaehwan looked up, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.
“When all else fails, at the end of the day, you are still my friend and nothing will change that.” Taekwoon said.
Jaehwan blinked quickly, on the verge of tears, and it shook Taekwoon, he had never seen him that vulnerable but Jaehwan quickly rubbed at his eyes and looked like he was about to move to hug Taekwoon but thought better of it, his hands awkwardly at his sides. “I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know,” He said, his voice sounding off.
He brushed lightly past Taekwoon on his way out and he could not rid himself of that heavy weight in his chest that seemed to plague him quite often lately whenever Jaehwan was involved.
-
Their conversations had been clipped and awkward at best in their shared classes and in the halls. At lunch, Jaehwan was content to entertain himself with Sanghyuk as Hakyeon always looked torn between glaring daggers at Jaehwan or ignoring him.
Frankly, Taekwoon’s prospects for the upcoming Winter Break weren’t looking to hopeful. He refused to stay home with his constantly quarreling family and he had decided on giving himself a personal break from studying. Of course, he’d have to work after hours for the Christmas sales but he knew that if he attempted to take on any more shifts, he was sure he’d have a breakdown soon. He was not very well equipped to handle so many late nights in a row without some kind of reprieve.
He supposed a two week break from too much social interaction would be good for him to reset but still, a part of him knew that he would miss Hakyeon as he traveled to Europe for break and he wasn’t as close to Sanghyuk but he was traveling as well. That left only Jaehwan. He wasn’t so much as miffed at Jaehwan as he was awkward in his presence. There was an unspoken agreement between them not to bring up the events of that night again but it still lingered in Taekwoon’s mind, taunting him with the possibility of what could have been. He had not been lying when he said that he would always truly value Jaehwan as a friend, but in his deepest of hearts, he still wished for that something more that Jaehwan had offered and so quickly taken away.
In a turn of events, Jaehwan had been the one to invite him over on the last day of school before break. He, apparently, still wanted to take up that game of Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm he had challenged Taekwoon to.
Jaehwan had cheerfully informed him through text that he just ended up going to the nurse’s office for the last block and would be in his car. Taekwoon vaguely wondered when the last time Jaehwan had actually been to class was. In a stroke of luck, his last period teacher felt as if he could no longer hold their attention and allowed them to go free fifteen minutes before the rest of the school populace. At least at this rate, Jaehwan wouldn’t be left waiting for long.
Taekwoon made his way out to the parking lot, the wind whipping around him. The parking lot was nearly deserted save for a group of boys ahead, mostly obscured by the edge of the school building. From this distance, it looked like a fight was brewing, the wind carrying their steadily rising voices. He was not usually the nosy type but he couldn’t help edging closer, careful to stay against the wall.
“I have done nothing to provoke you. Not only are you wasting my time but you’re wasting your own. Go pick a fight with someone who actually deserves it,” Said the boy whose back was against the wall, and it was with a shock that Taekwoon realized it was Jaehwan, surrounded by three boys he knew were in their grade.
He wouldn’t, couldn’t interrupt yet, lest he made the situation even worse.
“It’s bad enough that the school had to let in the welfare kids that are ruining this school but who would have thought that it could sink even lower with faggots like you in it?”
Taekwoon’s blood boiled as he saw Jaehwan flinch back, his shoulders drawn in upon himself. “That is none of your business,” Jaehwan grit out, his eyes flashing dangerously.
Taekwoon knew that look, it was the kind of dead set look that Jaehwan got in his eyes before he was about to do something undeniably stupid.
“Call me that once more,” Jaehwan said, his voice steely. “I dare you.” He spat at them, quite obviously unaware that he really shouldn’t be provoking all three of them at once as they threatened to bear down on them. Taekwoon moved quickly, leaping in front of Jaehwan and pushing him back against the wall with one hand before he could move forward, using his own height to his advantage as he glowered at them.
“What are you-“ Jaehwan hissed.
“Have a new boyfriend to protect you then?” The one on their left sneered.
Taekwoon glared harder but decided to leave before anything got any worse. “Let’s go, it’s not worth it.” He muttered, seething in anger as he grabbed Jaehwan’s wrist and pulled him away.
He blocked out their slurs to the best of his ability and he could feel Jaehwan trembling slightly before they reached his car. “Did they do anything to you?” He asked softly, turning to face Jaehwan.
He pursed his lips and shook his head. “Just a couple of bruises. I think I’m just more shaken than anything,” said Jaehwan, not bothering to hide the bitterness in his voice. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t let them affect me like that. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
Taekwoon frowned. “Don’t apologize, they’re being terrible to you for no reason, can’t your father do anything about this? He’s on the board of directors for the school, is he not?” His voice was unusually brisk, a byproduct of the anger he felt settling low in his gut.
Jaehwan tugged his hand free from Taekwoon’s grip, getting in the car and the other followed suit. “He is but I do not want to trouble him with this. My parents left with Hakyeon’s family yesterday but I didn’t feel like coming with them.”
“Why not?”
“I suppose I just wanted to spend some time at home,” He paused then added as an afterthought, “And I knew that with everyone else gone, you’d be left here for Christmas. I know you have your family but you never seem very happy when you’re with them so I decided my gift to you this year would be to bless you with my company for two weeks.”
“I’m flattered,” Taekwoon said dryly.
By the time they arrived at Jaehwan’s house, he seemed to have shaken off the incident in the parking lot but Taekwoon knew enough to look past the easy banter to see the tense lines in his shoulder and how he stumbled over his words.
It didn’t stop Taekwoon from exploring his abode though. His house was less of a house and more of a high-tech modern wonder, straight out of a modern design magazine. It was a house of cool neutrals and touch screens, and windows that spanned ceiling to floor (which was quite a feat considering the soaring ceilings that gave him the impression that the house was doubly larger than it already was). It should have been impersonal and cold, were it not for Jaehwan’s books and magazines scattered all over the coffee table, bright family photos, a roaring fireplace, the agglomeration of pillows and throws on the sofa; there was just enough of a human touch to feel like a home and not a house. It was difficult to imagine that anyone could live here on a day to day basis without worrying about dirtying the house or setting an item out of place but he supposed Jaehwan had maids to deal with that for him.
Jaehwan didn’t stop him as he entered his room and it felt strangely intimate to be in there, just the two of them. Taekwoon withheld comment until he wandered into his bathroom, raising an eyebrow at him. “Why do you even need this many facial products?”
“This clear skin doesn’t just come naturally, you know!” Jaehwan sniffed indignantly.
Taekwoon reluctantly put down the product he was eyeing when he realized that most of these served the same purpose and at this point, it was just indulgence. “You’re so high maintenance,” He sighed at him.
Jaehwan rolled his eyes and grabbed his wrist, tugging him back towards the door. “And that concludes your house tour for today. I feel like I must remind you that you came here to play video games not criticize my life choices.”
Taekwoon had the foresight to sooth the wound for Jaehwan by giving him the privilege of two easy rounds where he patiently allowed Jaehwan to teach him the controls. As if he hadn’t memorized them two months ago pummeling each and every one of Sanghyuk’s characters into the ground.
Poor Jaehwan was in for quite a shock when Taekwoon scored an easy win after their quick crash course.
“Ah, not to worry. That wasn’t the prime of my game. That was just a warm up round, I got it now.” Jaehwan said but he could see the worry in his eyes. He had been counting on an easy win and quickly realized that perhaps Taekwoon wasn’t such easy prey after all.
“Okay, okay, I’m playing for real this time,” claimed Jaehwan after losing spectacularly to Taekwoon (again) as the TV screen in front of them read Round 18.
Taekwoon snuck an amused glance over at Jaehwan. “I know how to play this, you know. I just wanted to see if I could rile you up.”
He seemed genuinely at a loss for words for a moment before he threw the controller lightly at Taekwoon before kicking out at him for good measure. “Just so you know, Satan called, he wants you back home for dinner.”
“I don’t know why you’re getting upset at me when you’re naturally bad at video games. Sometimes you’re just meant to lose.” Taekwoon said without a change in expression.
Jaehwan’s eyes narrowed and he reached over, fully intent on throttling Taekwoon but he used just a bit too much force, bowling both of them over, falling on top of Taekwoon. He had a brief moment where he allowed himself to wonder when his life had evolved from simply a bad romantic comedy to a really shitty one. Jaehwan laughed breathily, obviously unsure of what to do in this situation, his chest pressed against his, but he didn’t make any movement to suggest that he wished to move away and so Taekwoon got to watch a blush bloom from his pale cheeks to his ears again.
“This is…ah…” He stammered, unsure of himself, looking at Taekwoon nervously. He could feel Jaehwan’s breathing quicken and catch in his chest, licking his lips quickly and he knew Jaehwan realized that he tracked that particular movement.
“Oh, fuck it.” He whispered, coming to a decision quicker than Taekwoon would have thought, before leaning down and kissing Taekwoon, properly this time. He pressed himself against his body, and unlike the first time, there was nothing chaste about this kiss. It was open-mouthed and ardent and Taekwoon was sure that he could feel his heartbeat through his shirt. “God, you don’t know how badly I’ve wanted this,” Jaehwan whispered against the curve of his lips and he could feel his soft pants against his mouth.
“You have a funny way of showing it then,” Taekwoon couldn’t seem to help his snide remark nor could he help his soft gasp when Jaehwan tangled his hand in his hair, pressing himself against Taekwoon and kissing him again and again. It was a heady feeling, knowing he was wanted, wanted so desperately by someone so desired by others. No, it was knowing that Jaehwan wanted him back after all, that despite his tendency to be the most indecisive fuck on the planet, he was just as great of a kisser as he claimed to be.
Jaehwan was gentler than he expected, his mouth soft as he sighed into his mouth, the fullness of his lips kiss red.
“Are we okay then?” Taekwoon asked, a quiet exchange of words between the two of them.
Jaehwan didn’t reply at first, instead choosing to press several closed mouth kisses to Taekwoon’s mouth and he could feel his smile instead of seeing it. “Yeah, I suppose we’re okay, then.”
-
Jaehwan had somehow convinced Taekwoon to stay for a gourmet High School cooked dinner of ramen (the fanciness of his kitchen made up for the lackluster meal) and against all odds, had convinced him to stay for awhile afterward too. Perhaps this was too fast, though, with Taekwoon pressed into his side, his head on his shoulder as they watched old Game of Throne reruns. Oh well, Jaehwan had always been all or nothing and it somehow seemed right, to have Taekwoon by him, and he wasn’t protesting.
“How long have they been bothering you, Jaehwan?” He asked suddenly, interrupting the quiet between them. “The boys that you met in the parking lot earlier.”
Jaehwan had hoped that Taekwoon would have let the issue go, he didn’t particularly like lingering on the thought that there were people so spiteful against him for such a small reason and how willing they were to turn their backs on him without knowing anything about him. “I don’t usually run into them,” He said truthfully. “But it wasn’t them from the party that gave me the black eye, if you’re wondering. There are, quite frankly, a lot of people that are very quick to hate me for what they don’t understand.”
“Does it bother you, then?” He asked, tilting his head up.
Jaehwan contemplated lying, brushing off the issue but in truth, the slurs and words pained him more than any of his mottled bruises did. “Yes,” He finally admitted. “But it's not something that can be helped.” He could sense that Taekwoon wanted to say more on the issue but in the end, perhaps, could not find the correct words so he fell quiet as Jaehwan put his arm around his waist and drew him closer.
-
When Taekwoon woke up, it took him awhile to register the fact that it was Christmas morning, that he should feel more excitement than a distant sense of apathy. He supposed it was a side effect of growing up, the luster of Christmas falling aside but it was difficult to linger too long on that thought when light flakes of snow drifted from the sky, covering the untrimmed lawn outside his bedroom window. The rickety swing set with its frostbitten chains barely swayed in the wind, under a grey sky, and it felt like winter had finally settled in properly at last.
He must have spent too long staring out his window because he could hear the quick footsteps of his sister running downstairs, caught up in the excitement of the season. Of course he had spent as much as he could on gifts for both his sister and his mother but a part of him wished he could have more, have more money or time to give them the Christmas they deserved. But that kind of thinking would get him nowhere, it was only what he made of the present that would matter.
He padded out, his too short sweatpants exposing his bare ankles and his usually neat hair flat on one side, belying which side he had favored throughout the night. It brought a small smile to his face to hear his little sister’s squeals. Their Christmas tree was, quite frankly, falling apart branch by branch but it was still painstakingly outfitted in glimmering golden lights and twinkling ornaments of every sort of color. Taekwoon walked slowly as if not to spoil the scene before him, the light scent of sugary goodness drifting in from the kitchen, a carpeted living room covered in scraps of wrapping paper, and a new doll in his sister’s hand.
“Look at what Santa brought me!” She squeaked with a megawatt smile, brandishing her prize.
Taekwoon nodded, laughing softly as he sat down cross-legged next to her. “It’s very pretty, Minyeol.” He gestured to the small pile of presents still left under the tree. “You forgot to open those, maybe Santa brought you even more stuff.”
“Those are for you, idiot.” Minyeol said, not a trace of fear on her face as she teased her older brother.
Taekwoon usually would have chastised her for this but instead remained caught up in his own confusion. “For me?”
She nodded enthusiastically, dragging the pile over. “Santa brought you a lot of things this year!”
He hadn’t received Christmas morning gifts ever since he was Minyeol’s age. His mother had always been too busy to make him anything and he always insisted on them saving any extra money to treat his mother to a massage. Perhaps Hakyeon and Sanghyuk had sent them? But they would have no way of knowing where he lived and if they had purchased gifts for him, they would have most likely sent them to Jaehwan’s house anyways. He methodically tore the paper from the gifts, the red and green falling next to him as he lifted the sweater up to the light. It was a red sweater with long sleeves, the fabric soft to the touch. He turned the remaining of the wrapping paper over, only to discover a small handwritten note tucked away, naming the true gifter of the present so as to not ruin Minyeol’s belief in Santa.
Taekwoon turned quickly when he heard another person enter the room. His mother grinned and oh, Taekwoon had missed this smile, the one that wiped away all traces of age from his mother’s face as he leapt up and caught her in a hug. He was never one for many words, only able to stutter a weak, “Thank you.”
He was half surprised and half mortified to find his eyes filling with tears when he pulled away, quickly attempting to regain his composure. “How did you have the time for this?” He asked, his voice quiet enough not to be heard by Minyeol.
“I made time for you, you deserve it and I think the color suits you.” His mother whispered, smiling fondly at him.
Part of Taekwoon was convinced this was a dream, a vignette that he wanted to ground in his life and relive again. This was the kind of Christmas he had only been able to dream of, the one he had tried to make happen every year for his sister, but never one he had received.
The other two packages he had received were both significantly smaller turned out to be a book and a new pair of earphones.
The gentle snow drifted down outside their window, the house full of light and overplayed Christmas Carols, rattling their radio. Both Taekwoon and Minyeol had forgone their usual breakfasts in favor of candy canes and sugar cookies as they watched their mother delight in the new scented candles courtesy of Saint Nicholas.
“What are you talking about, Taekwoon? This skirt does not go with those shoes!” His sister protested, yanking the doll back out of his hands. “You’re ruining her fashion sense.”
Taekwoon’s lips quirked up in a smile as he held up his hands in mock surrender. “You’re right, you know best. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
She stared up at him in a scarily accurate imitation of his own expression of annoyance, shaking her head, muttering under her breath, “Boys.”
Taekwoon cuffed her lightly over the head for that, about to make a suggestion to at least change the jacket for this particular outfit when-
“Can’t you two keep it down for once?” A deep voice bellowed and Taekwoon flinched, instinctively blocking his sister from view as a man filled the doorway, his face stormy. He could smell the reek of alcohol even from here, he had hoped that he had drunk enough to maybe remain passed out until noon or later but it seemed as if that was his only Christmas wish that was left unfulfilled. His father had evidently taken another swig of beer, this morning, a freshly opened bottle clenched in his hand as his face reddened. “And clean up this mess while you’re at it. Making a mess while I work hard to give this family what it needs and you,” He pointed a quivering finger at Taekwoon, “Go every year, spending it on useless gifts like this and turn the house into a pig stye while you’re at it.”
He lumbered off into the kitchen, scratching at his head and in the charged quiet that followed, Taekwoon let out a sigh of relief that he didn’t know he had been holding. He wanted to say something, wanted to apologize to Minyeol but she had silently begun to move her dolls out of the way, collecting the remaining wrapping paper off the floor. The room had turned chilly as the clouds moved to block the morning sun and he couldn’t help but shiver a little, deciding to don his new sweater.
They had both been cowed into silence as they entered the kitchen.
He wordlessly snuck past his father to attempt to go back to his room when a glass shattered, behind him, the shards skittering across the floor. He turned sharply, his mother’s hands shaking, the cabinet door swinging above her, the ruined cup on the floor.
Taekwoon winced preemptively before the shouting even began.
He didn’t know why he reacted, this was a scene that he had seen play out time and time before. His mother cowering under his father’s alcohol fueled rage, his sister covering her ears and yet unable to look away. Maybe it was because the morning had started so young and innocent, only to be trampled mercilessly upon.
No, it wasn’t simply today. It was a childhood of hiding behind his bedroom door, unable to do anything, helpless and small. A childhood of eating dinner in rushed silence in case his father’s fist slammed on the table, bringing on a torrent of slurs. A life time of defending the rest of his family, only to walk away with the scars to prove his useless struggle. He didn’t know where the courage came from, what exactly inside of him snapped but he shoved his father backwards, standing in front of his mother, his jaw tense. It struck him that this was the first time he had been able to look his father in the eye. He had grown taller than he remembered.
“I’ve had enough,” said Taekwoon.
His eyes flashed dangerously. His father raised the remnants of his beer bottle, his unshaven mouth contorting in range. “This is none of your business, boy.” He said, evidently struggling to keep his voice as even as Taekwoon did, pointing to the kitchen door.
“No,” He said calmly, despite his trembling hands. “You have no reason to be yelling at mom like that. You’ve done enough.”
“You dare…” His father spat, jabbing his finger into Taekwoon’s chest. “You dare challenge me when I give you all a place to sleep and food to eat? I own this house, this is my house!” He shouted, causing Taekwoon to flinch back despite himself.
Taekwoon grit his teeth, he could feel his anger boiling up below the surface. His father had done nothing but haul himself to work every day and drink himself into oblivion every night, considering his job done as long as the rent was paid off. The rest of them were the ones that had to deal with the bills, the food, and everything that came along with it. His father had spent so long bullying them all into silence that he was sure whatever he expected, it wasn’t this.
“The only thing you’re supporting is your own addiction,” Taekwoon snapped, his voice rising steadily. “We owe you nothing.”
Although, his father was the same height, he seemed to loom over him as his face grew progressively redder as he trembled, carried by the same hot anger that Taekwoon held.
“You are lucky I let you stay in this house anymore, I know what you’ve done, don’t you dare take up that attitude with me!” His father yelled, breathing heavily.
Taekwoon felt as if someone had doused him in ice cold water, he couldn’t possibly know, no, he was probably feigning, coming up with a ridiculous excuse just to yell at Taekwoon even more.
His father must have seen something in his face because his smile was one of vicious victory. “Yes, I know,” He sounded even more dangerous when his voice dropped and Taekwoon couldn’t help shuddering, “I know about that boy, the one you kissed right outside of our house. How did you think I could not have seen?”
Taekwoon staggered backwards as if he had been struck. “No…” He had naively assumed that nobody would be paying attention to what was going on outside at that hour, the possibility of his father seeing him had never even crossed his mind. He felt as if he was going to be sick. “You can’t have.” He dared not look at his mother, he had already heard her shocked gasp, he did not need to see the disappointment written clearly on her face.
He couldn’t stop his shaking but he could feel the insistent lump in his throat and he curled his hands into fists. “Fine,” He said cooly, sounding much more in control than he actually felt, his mind seemingly having gone numb, “It’s funny, I’ve always been so ashamed of you, a good for nothing father who could provide us with nothing. I’ve always been ashamed of the life I could have had but I’m not ashamed of who I am and who I turned out to be. If you choose to be, then that is your own doing.”
He could see the cords in his father’s neck as he opened and closed his mouth, like an absurd fish out of water, and his hands did the same, clenching and unclenching, as he struggled for the words to convey what he was trying to say. “Then get out,” He hissed, a savage gleam in his eyes.
“What?” Taekwoon asked numbly.
“You heard what I said,” He raised a shaking hand and pointed to the door, “Get out! If you’re so ashamed of this family, then don’t bother coming back.”
This time it was Taekwoon’s turn to stare at him in disbelief.
“I don’t want a freak for a son.”
He looked at his mom helplessly but she only stared blankly ahead. His sister had disappeared from sight, most likely to hide in the relative safety of her room.
Taekwoon felt as if the pain hadn’t quite hit him yet, barely trusted that his muscles would work as he fled from the kitchen and out into the cold air, slamming the door behind him.
He only walked, without any destination in mind, until he deemed that he was far enough from his house. He crumpled down on an empty park bench, shielding his face from the cold and the stares of concerned passerbys. The tears never came but there was a stitch in his chest, as if he ran a marathon without a chance for rest. He choked on his own breath, no, he couldn’t breathe, this wasn’t right, this wasn’t right at all. He couldn’t breathe. The world around him felt almost faint, blurry at the edges. Was he shaking because of the ruthless cold or because of his own nerves? He couldn’t tell. He still couldn’t breathe as his lungs struggled to suck in lungful after lungful of the burning air.
He didn’t know how long he stayed there but it was long enough for his heart to feel normal in his own chest again, until he could breathe again. His face was dry but he still felt shaken down to his very core. He couldn’t very well stay out here, with no purpose and nowhere to go. No home to turn to.
Somewhere along the way, Taekwoon had decided to go to Jaehwan’s. It was as good of an option as any with Hakyeon and Sanghyuk both out of the country. Jaehwan was expecting him later in the afternoon anyways.
He paced the length of the bus stop, regaining his cool composure and settling himself down out of the sheer force of his will. It would do no good to either of them for Jaehwan to realize that something was amiss and potentially ruin his holidays too.
He hardly remembered the bus ride there, simply trekking up the stone cobbled path to Jaehwan’s house. Taekwoon fumbled with his phone for the gate code, pulling his sweater sleeves down over his hands as he rung the doorbell.
-
Jaehwan had been steadily eating his way through the box of chocolates his parents had sent home from Paris. It was a wonder it had arrived that morning and he didn’t even want to think of the shipping cost it took to mail the package that quickly. The house was quiet and empty but not quite lonely, not with the fireplace crackling merrily in front of him as he texted quick replies to everybody wishing him a Merry Christmas. Perhaps it was simply because he was always surrounded by company but he appreciated the quiet, even if he was present-less and alone on Christmas morning. Taekwoon would be coming by later anyways and he had threatened Hakyeon and Sanghyuk with bodily harm if they did not return bearing gifts so he was sure that was sorted out.
It came as a shock, then, as the doorbell rang, notifying him to someone’s arrival. He threw the candy wrappers haphazardly on the coffee table, hastily heading towards the door, hoping that there was no trace of chocolate still lingering on his mouth.
He opened the door only to be greeted by the sight of a particularly surly looking Taekwoon in a new sweater. He had come to accept that Taekwoon only had two default facial expressions anyways: Angry and less angry.
“Taekwoon!” He exclaimed, pulling him in by the front of his sweater and shutting the door before capturing his lips in an excited, albeit sloppy kiss. “You said you weren’t coming by until after lunch.”
“Are you implying that you’re not happy to see me?” He squinted, punching Jaehwan lightly in the stomach.
“Merry Christmas to you too,” he sighed, half fondly half out of exasperation.
It took Taekwoon a surprisingly short time to zero in on the mess that he made of his coffee table and he raised his eyebrow, looking first at Jaehwan than at the slew of wrappers.
Jaehwan rushed over, trying to gather them up and out of sight. “Why are you so judgemental?” He complained, “I’m home alone and under no obligation to keep this place clean!”
“Tch,” said Taekwoon.
He tried to hurl a chocolate at Taekwoon in response but should have foreseen him catching it and eating it instead. Curse Taekwoon and his natural athletic ability and scary stares.
Taekwoon looked around and must have quickly noticed the lack of a Christmas tree. “Where are all your presents?” He asked, genuinely curious.
“Hakyeon and Sanghyuk are bringing theirs back, as are my parents and most of my remaining friends at school besides you three have already given me theirs or plan to give it to me when we come back from break,” He shrugged. “I was going to buy you a present but Sanghyuk suggested that my Christmas present to you should be mind blowing sex instead,” He said with the straightest face he could manage.
Taekwoon looked suitably unimpressed, cocking an eyebrow at him. “That is a rather underwhelming gift. You have not particularly astounded me as a particularly great kisser so far so I’m managing to keep my expectations low.”
Jaehwan sputtered and Taekwoon had to work this time to keep his face impassive. “What? How dare you, you come to my house and insult me like this? I will not stand for this!” He advanced in what he hoped was a threatening manner, trying to make himself bigger than he actually was. It was hard to maintain his facade when Taekwoon broke away, practically giggling, turning his head to the side.
“Fine, you are not a bad kisser,” admitted Taekwoon, grabbing his arm and pulling him back.
Jaehwan smiled at that, cupping Taekwoon’s face in his hands. “Hmm, I would hope not,” He said, softly kissing him. This is what it was supposed to feel like, he thought, the excitement not dying out as he kissed him over and over again. This was completely unlike any other girl he kissed, they were nice but Taekwoon was different, he was firm and solid beneath his touch and he was not as soft, his lips slightly chapped from the winter cold and Jaehwan loved it, he wasn’t sure if he could ever get enough.
Jaehwan was pleased to see the flush on Taekwoon's full cheeks and he looked down in obvious embarrassment. "It's cold," said Taekwoon.
"Maybe I can warm you up then," said Jaehwan, his voice full of innuendo as he waggled his eyebrows.
Taekwoon scrunched up his nose, "You're disgusting."
Jaehwan laughed before pressing himself against Taekwoon's front again, kissing him insistently as he pushed him back onto the couch, falling on top of him, reveling in his breathy sighs and the way his hands bunched up with the fabric of Jaehwan's shirt. He loved how pliant Taekwoon was below him, his usually stoic nature falling when he moaned as Jaehwan licked into his mouth, grinding down. Taekwoon's hips rocked up to meet his and his eyes lost their usual focus as pressed kisses down his jawline. "I want to see more of you," he whispered, "Can I?"
Taekwoon's eyes looked almost curiously shuttered and he looked as if he wanted to deny him, his cheeks still flushed a pretty red like his lips which were shining wetly.
Taekwoon moved into a slightly more upright position as Jaehwan slowly lifted his shirt above his head, goosebumps raising upon his skin in the cold air. His hands stuttered a little but Taekwoon finished the job, pulling both his sweatshirt and shirt off. He looked so vulnerable like this and he covered his arms across his chest, sitting up, and not meeting Jaehwan's eyes.
"Taekwoon," he said, shocked, his fingertips trailing over the light scars that crossed across his chest and snaked to his back. "What..."
Taekwoon frowned, bowing his head. "I didn't want to tell you but I knew you'd find it eventually," he said, his voice flat. He took a deep, shaky breath before continuing, "My dad has always been a heavy drinker. I would have rather it been me than my mom or my sister."
“Taekwoon…” Jaehwan choked out finally.
“Don’t. Please don't be upset," Taekwoon murmured, "It was all a long time ago anyways." He rubbed absent-mindedly at his arms before huffing, his eyes averted, ”This might seem stupid to you but I also do not think they make my body very appealing."
"Taekwoon look at me," Jaehwan said quietly but no less commanding. Taekwoon met his eyes reluctantly, as if worried about his reaction. "That doesn't matter to me, alright? I would never find you any less than what you are just because of your scars."
Taekwoon managed a weak smile at that, which turned a bit wry. "I'm sorry for ruining the mood, by the way. I have no doubt in my mind that you were definitely hoping for sex considering you knew we were going to be alone."
Jaehwan rolled his eyes, "I know I'm a teenage boy with needs and all but, really, I have my priorities too." His eyes turned more somber, "But you would tell me if anything else happened, wouldn't you? I may not be able to fix everything but you shouldn't keep these things to yourself."
Taekwoon chose not to answer as he pulled his shirt back on. "I..." He watched Jaehwan carefully for a reaction. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to ruin your Christmas."
Jaehwan's chest definitely tightened at that, his eyebrows furrowing. "Don't worry about me, I want to know if something is bothering you. Above everything, we’re friends first, remember?”
He fiddled with his watch, the silence punctuated only with the soft crackle of the warm fireplace in front of them, and when he spoke, it sounded as if he was forcing himself to continue, his voice halting almost every sentence, “My dad told me he didn’t want to see me in his house again,” He said quietly and Jaehwan went still, “We had a…disagreement…as we are prone to doing and I should not have said the things I said because he knows about, well, us. He saw us that one night in front of my house. I do not think he meant it lightly when he told me he didn’t want me as a son.” Taekwoon made a little scoffing noise from the back of his throat, “I’ve never been particularly fond of my father but that was not exactly how I imagined today going.”
Jaehwan was at a loss for words, could only hold Taekwoon close to him, his hand running soothingly through his hair. He always found it odd that no matter how upset Taekwoon was, he didn’t think he’d ever seen him cry. Taekwoon let out a dry sob, burying his face into Jaehwan’s chest, trembling, as if the entire weight of the situation bore itself down upon his body and it was too much for him to bear.
He could feel his throat tightening with anger, anger on behalf of Taekwoon, thrown out because of who he was, anger at the rest of the world for perpetuating this, anger at himself for being the one to cause all of this. He supposed if he truly wanted to blame fingers, the blame would rest on no other than himself but he didn’t want to examine that too closely.
“We can deal with this,” Jaehwan said, swallowing his anger down, “My parents will let you stay with us, I’m sure of it. You deserved better, you deserved so much better than that. He never deserved a son like you.”
Taekwoon looked up and his eyes were unreadable for a moment before he sighed, “You are angry.”
“Of course I am, I don’t…I don’t want to see you hurt.” He felt almost shy saying those words aloud, but there was more to it than that. He wanted Taekwoon to stop feeling broken, like he should apologize for being who he was, he wanted Taekwoon to have the unconditional love that should come with family, not experience the hatred and rejection he never deserved.
“Don’t blame yourself for kissing me in front of my house, I should have realized that there was a chance that someone could have seen us.”
How Taekwoon it was to worry more about Jaehwan than himself, his heart ached for him who had so much to give and had spent most of his life being pushed away into a corner. Jaehwan shook his head quickly. “No, it’s not that, although, I should have thought that one through but I’m just…I’m angry at your father and just…at everything,” He finished lamely and mentally smacked himself. He wondered if he would ever be able to pull together the proper words to tell Taekwoon what he felt, what came so clearly to him in his mind.
“I admit that just being with you makes me feel better. I don’t know how you do it but you just being there has always comforted me, in a way.” Taekwoon leaned forward quickly, kissing his forehead and the gesture felt strangely intimate in a way that made Jaehwan’s heart flutter.
He cleared his throat out of embarrassment, “I wish I could do more,” He said sincerely, “But you can definitely stay here since my parents won’t be back until break is over and well…when they come back, I’m sure they’ll welcome you.” Something nagged at the edge of his memory and he suddenly remembered that he had, in fact, gotten an actual gift for Taekwoon. He hoped that it would be enough for now to take the edge off the pain and distract him. “I just remembered something…I’ll be back, I swear.”
Taekwoon stared after him, bemused, but did not move as Jaehwan shot upstairs, grabbing the present placed on top of a small pile of gifts that he had painstakingly wrapped last night.
He returned, pressing himself against Taekwoon’s side, handing him the box. “It’s ah…” He rubbed the back of his neck, “This one isn’t something I bought, it’s actually something that’s always meant a lot for me but I thought you should have it.”
Taekwoon’s curiosity was piqued now as he undid the wrapping paper, undoing the lid of the vinyl player.
“I’ve had it for a couple years now, mostly because I went through a hipster phase but I had grown sick of singing because I was kind of forced to carry so much pressure to do well in competitions and performances but one summer, I had shut myself out from the rest of the world and I started a vinyl collection and I think that’s what helped me start to truly love music again.” Jaehwan was aware that he was rambling now, suddenly nervous in the face of the fact that Taekwoon had not shown much of a reaction, “I thought it would be nice because we only met because you practically begged me to join choir and-“
Taekwoon grabbed his face and kissed him, maybe to shut him up, maybe to thank him. Probably all of the above. “Thank you,” He said, closing the lid carefully, his fingers brushing over it almost reverently. “It means a lot.”
Jaehwan nodded and it felt like a weight had been taken off his chest, he usually just methodically purchased gifts for his friends off Amazon without too much thought put into it so he hadn’t been entirely sure how Taekwoon would receive this. “I have a huge vinyl collection too that I put in the box but I did a pretty shitty job at wrapping it, somehow, so I was just going to plan on giving it to you tomorrow.”
“How do you mess up wrapping a plain box?” Taekwoon asked incredulously.
“My mind stops functioning after about one in the morning,” said Jaehwan.
“Thank you,” Taekwoon said, “Not just for this, but for everything.”
Jaehwan could sense the weight of the words that Taekwoon left unspoken, he always said so few words that the ones he did say held so much more meaning. “You deserve it.”
“You’re just hoping that I’ll really show how thankful I am to you by agreeing to fuck you, aren’t you?” Taekwoon said suddenly, with a put upon sigh, “You’re almost boringly predictable.”
“What?” Jaehwan asked, affronted, “I would never-“
Taekwoon shot him a look.
“Well, okay, that certainly was not my original intention but now that you mention it.”
Taekwoon gingerly set his new gift down on the coffee table and lobbed a throw pillow at him which barely went whizzing past his head.
“How dare you, that’s authentic imported Egyptian Cotton!”
Previous // Next