Learning Through Tears (3/5)
Title: Learning Through Tears (3/5)
Genre: Romance/Angst/Humor
Pairings: mainly Jaeho
Rating: PG-13 so far...? (for some language and imaginations)
Summary: The way I cared for YunHo was different, something I couldn't describe fully. At the time it was an ache in my chest. However, every time I touched him, or talked to him, or made him smile, the ache turned into an all consuming happiness. It felt like I was going crazy.
Previous Parts:
Part One
Part Two
YunHo and I entered the cafeteria and immediately got on line, grabbing two red trays as we passed the stack of them. YunHo let out a sigh, “Why, even in the studio cafeteria, can I not get a tray that is dry?” He flicked the tray with his wrist in an attempt to get the water off. I laughed at the fuss he was making over it and covered my mouth to hide my amusement. He looked at me and gave a mock glare, “Hey. I have standards.”
I laughed at him again as we slid our trays down and we looked over the food that was displayed there. I had trouble focusing on the food of course. Each day I found it more and more difficult to look away from him. He had such a sweet face, and those eyes that pulled me in. His smile was infectious and always beautiful. His lips were beautiful… his body was beautiful… he was beautiful. I found myself staring at YunHo as he looked at the different vegetable dishes on display.
“JaeJoong, why are you staring at me?” His voice pulled me away from my thoughts and I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. YunHo looked at me, “Is something wrong?”
“Sorry…I was just… trying to go over the steps. You know, for the routine.” I said and gave myself a mental pat on the back for thinking something up so quickly.
“Oh…” YunHo said before he thanked the attendant as she handed him a plate. He put it on his tray and continued down the line. “Don’t worry about that now. Let’s just eat.” He turned and gave me a small smile, “I’ll help you okay?” he added in a soft voice.
“Thank you.” I felt my cheeks get hot and I hoped I wasn’t blushing.
We continued down the line and when we got to the end I realized I hadn’t selected anything. So I quickly pointed at a plate at the end and thanked the attendant that handed it to me. Then we carried our food to a table and began eating. We stayed in a comfortable silence, YunHo enjoying his food, and me enjoying YunHo. It was simply wonderful and I hoped it would last.
“Hi guys!” ChangMin came over with his tray and plopped down into the seat next to me. “You started without us?” He said and pouted cutely before picking up his spoon and digging in.
“Is that chocolate pudding? They have that here?” YunHo asked eyeing the brown substance in ChangMin’s bowl. The cafeteria was filled with nothing but health food, so you can imagine our surprise to see something as unhealthy as chocolate pudding.
ChangMin nodded, “Yep, the lady who works here… should we call them lunch ladies? That sounds weird.”
“Attendants.” I said and took another bite of my food.
“Right. The attendant who works here made it for me. She thinks I’m hot.” He said happily.
“ChangMin, tons of celebrities eat here. Why would she do something special for you?” YunHo said with a laugh.
“Can I help it if I’m the sexual appeal of the group?” He gave that smirk he had been showing more and more lately, the one that was supposed to look dangerously sexy. Sometimes he pulled it off. This time, not so much.
YunHo blatantly laughed at him and continued eating. I smiled as ChangMin frowned a little and started eating his food again.
YooChun and JunSu came to the table with their trays. Before YooChun sat down he bent down to whisper in my ear so the others couldn’t hear, “I tried to keep them away to give you time. Sorry.”
He quickly sat down and I gave him a thankful smile. He smiled back for a second before starting his meal, “So what did we miss?”
“Well ChangMin has been telling us about how his powers of seduction got him free pudding.” I said and took a sip of my water.
“It’s true.” ChangMin said proudly.
“Uh, Right… ” JunSu said and started eating.
Throughout the rest of the meal JunSu stole a few things from YooChun’s plate. YooChun didn’t seem to mind much, I guessed because he had cleverly brought a spoon and was stealing some of ChangMin’s pudding. I couldn’t help but chuckle as YooChun and ChangMin broke into a small battle with their spoons trying to get to the last of the pudding. YooChun won in the end and smiled triumphantly as he swallowed.
“Here. Since I won, you have my raisins. I don’t even know why I got them.” He said and went to hand ChangMin a small box.
“No way.” He said and pushed YooChun’s hand away.
“How the fuck could you not like raisins?” he asked, earning a swift whack in the chest from JunSu. YooChun rolled his eyes and handed me the box, knowing that I did like them. I thanked him and started eating.
“They used to be fat and juicy and now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes.” ChangMin said and drank the remainder of his soda.
YunHo was laughing again and I turned to watch as his smile lit up his face. I loved his laugh. When he laughed he laughed with his entire body. He ended up covering his eyes with a hand and leaning forward to somehow help him recover. For some reason he found it more funny than the rest of us did. We were simply getting used to ChangMin’s randomness I suppose.
The meal finished soon after that, and we each took our trays to dump the trash and pile them up. Then we went back to finish up our practice for the day. Fortunately YunHo helped me this time without having to touch me, and I really think I improved my moves.
When we were satisfied with practice we decided to head home, too tired to go out anywhere. The group had a quick diner of left-overs from the night before, saving me the trouble of cooking, and decided to watch another movie. This time the day had gone so well, that I decided to watch the movie with them, hoping my luck wouldn’t change. I sat down on the couch and hugged a throw pillow to my stomach as I got comfortable. JunSu said he wasn’t going to watch the movie with us, complaining of a stomach ache from the food we had at lunch. Somehow he had decided that YooChun was to blame for his ailment because he had eaten food he had stolen from YooChun’s plate. So for the time being he wasn’t talking to him, and opted for lying in bed and sipping on tea. YooChun actually looked like he felt somewhat guilty, but sat and watched the movie with us anyway.
YunHo sat next to me, but stayed more than a foot away, which was unusual for him. He usually would get as close as possible. And for once I was willing to let that happen, and try and forget what heartache it might bring later. I looked over at him and he didn’t look back, instead he stared at the TV screen while ChangMin set up the DVD. YooChun sat on the other side of me and ChangMin sat beside him.
The movie started, and I waited for what had to be fifteen minutes before daring to try and get closer to YunHo. I moved my body closer to him, so that we were nearly touching. I looked over at him and waited until he looked back. He smiled a little, “Good movie…" YunHo said quietly. I hadn’t really noticed the movie.
“Yeah.” I moved even closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder, enjoying the warmth his body heat gave off and the smell of his cologne. After a few moments his arm hugged at my shoulders. I was finally content and relaxed, but my brain was already saying over and over again that this was all there was. A friendly hug here and there. Nothing more. How long could I stay like this? It didn’t help matters that although the movie we had selected was an action movie, the two main characters had fallen in love. I watched the movie, every romantic moment making me grip at the pillow tighter. When the two characters had reached the moment of their first kiss, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I think… I think I have the same thing JunSu has. I’m not feeling too well.” I said and quickly got up and waved off the worried, “Are you okay?” from YunHo.
I walked into my room and shut the door. In a moment I was sitting at the edge of my bed, my face buried in my hands trying to quiet my thoughts. Praying to whatever God was listening to please spare me from crying, just this once. I hated crying. Not just because it was humiliating, but because it was so hopeless and never ending. I couldn’t cry like this forever. Not night after night. I questioned why this had happened to me. Why I couldn’t just stay satisfied with being his best friend. Of course, I knew the answer. I had fallen hopelessly in love with him, and now there was no going back. I supposed it was my fate though, to be always at a distance, crying in my room. I felt the hot stream of tears run quickly down my cheek and watched the droplets hit my lap.
“Jae…?”
“YunHo?” I asked and looked up to see him standing in the doorway.
I realized that tears were still streaming down my face, and I hastily wiped them away with my sleeve. I felt so stupid, so ashamed that all of this could happen so suddenly. That the simplest of things could cause me to sink back into this heartbroken state.
“Jae… what’s wrong?” He said and approached me with a worried and questioning look.
I looked up at him and I couldn’t think of what to say. Unfortunately seeing him only made things worse, he was right here, but still so distant. More tears escaped my eyes and I covered my face with both hands as my breathing became labored.
“Jae, tell me what’s wrong.” YunHo said as he pulled me into his arms, my own arms trapped between us as my hands continued to cover my face. I couldn’t tell him. If I told him the truth, he’d reject me. And then I wouldn’t even have this. This friendship that I clinged to because I loved him so much.
“No.” I said and pushed him away gently. I backed up a step and wiped the rest of my tears from my face. “I need to get some sleep.” I told him, hoping he would get the hint that I wanted to be alone.
YunHo looked at me a bit surprised, probably because we told each other everything, always relied on each other.
“Okay.” He said, his tone revealing how confused he was. I waited for him to leave and shut the door before I fell into my bed and closed my eyes. I did need sleep, but I knew that night I wouldn’t get much.
A/N
1. Eek these chapters feel short, and I wasn't very happy with this chapter for some reason... hope you guys liked it.
2. There was a lot of ChangMin in this one wasn't there? Sorry I couldn't help myself ^^
3. The raisin speech comes from the movie "Benny and Joon". If you haven't seen it, go watch it right now.
4. Thanks for the comments so far! I love them. So much.
Go to Part Four
Genre: Romance/Angst/Humor
Pairings: mainly Jaeho
Rating: PG-13 so far...? (for some language and imaginations)
Summary: The way I cared for YunHo was different, something I couldn't describe fully. At the time it was an ache in my chest. However, every time I touched him, or talked to him, or made him smile, the ache turned into an all consuming happiness. It felt like I was going crazy.
Previous Parts:
Part One
Part Two
YunHo and I entered the cafeteria and immediately got on line, grabbing two red trays as we passed the stack of them. YunHo let out a sigh, “Why, even in the studio cafeteria, can I not get a tray that is dry?” He flicked the tray with his wrist in an attempt to get the water off. I laughed at the fuss he was making over it and covered my mouth to hide my amusement. He looked at me and gave a mock glare, “Hey. I have standards.”
I laughed at him again as we slid our trays down and we looked over the food that was displayed there. I had trouble focusing on the food of course. Each day I found it more and more difficult to look away from him. He had such a sweet face, and those eyes that pulled me in. His smile was infectious and always beautiful. His lips were beautiful… his body was beautiful… he was beautiful. I found myself staring at YunHo as he looked at the different vegetable dishes on display.
“JaeJoong, why are you staring at me?” His voice pulled me away from my thoughts and I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. YunHo looked at me, “Is something wrong?”
“Sorry…I was just… trying to go over the steps. You know, for the routine.” I said and gave myself a mental pat on the back for thinking something up so quickly.
“Oh…” YunHo said before he thanked the attendant as she handed him a plate. He put it on his tray and continued down the line. “Don’t worry about that now. Let’s just eat.” He turned and gave me a small smile, “I’ll help you okay?” he added in a soft voice.
“Thank you.” I felt my cheeks get hot and I hoped I wasn’t blushing.
We continued down the line and when we got to the end I realized I hadn’t selected anything. So I quickly pointed at a plate at the end and thanked the attendant that handed it to me. Then we carried our food to a table and began eating. We stayed in a comfortable silence, YunHo enjoying his food, and me enjoying YunHo. It was simply wonderful and I hoped it would last.
“Hi guys!” ChangMin came over with his tray and plopped down into the seat next to me. “You started without us?” He said and pouted cutely before picking up his spoon and digging in.
“Is that chocolate pudding? They have that here?” YunHo asked eyeing the brown substance in ChangMin’s bowl. The cafeteria was filled with nothing but health food, so you can imagine our surprise to see something as unhealthy as chocolate pudding.
ChangMin nodded, “Yep, the lady who works here… should we call them lunch ladies? That sounds weird.”
“Attendants.” I said and took another bite of my food.
“Right. The attendant who works here made it for me. She thinks I’m hot.” He said happily.
“ChangMin, tons of celebrities eat here. Why would she do something special for you?” YunHo said with a laugh.
“Can I help it if I’m the sexual appeal of the group?” He gave that smirk he had been showing more and more lately, the one that was supposed to look dangerously sexy. Sometimes he pulled it off. This time, not so much.
YunHo blatantly laughed at him and continued eating. I smiled as ChangMin frowned a little and started eating his food again.
YooChun and JunSu came to the table with their trays. Before YooChun sat down he bent down to whisper in my ear so the others couldn’t hear, “I tried to keep them away to give you time. Sorry.”
He quickly sat down and I gave him a thankful smile. He smiled back for a second before starting his meal, “So what did we miss?”
“Well ChangMin has been telling us about how his powers of seduction got him free pudding.” I said and took a sip of my water.
“It’s true.” ChangMin said proudly.
“Uh, Right… ” JunSu said and started eating.
Throughout the rest of the meal JunSu stole a few things from YooChun’s plate. YooChun didn’t seem to mind much, I guessed because he had cleverly brought a spoon and was stealing some of ChangMin’s pudding. I couldn’t help but chuckle as YooChun and ChangMin broke into a small battle with their spoons trying to get to the last of the pudding. YooChun won in the end and smiled triumphantly as he swallowed.
“Here. Since I won, you have my raisins. I don’t even know why I got them.” He said and went to hand ChangMin a small box.
“No way.” He said and pushed YooChun’s hand away.
“How the fuck could you not like raisins?” he asked, earning a swift whack in the chest from JunSu. YooChun rolled his eyes and handed me the box, knowing that I did like them. I thanked him and started eating.
“They used to be fat and juicy and now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes.” ChangMin said and drank the remainder of his soda.
YunHo was laughing again and I turned to watch as his smile lit up his face. I loved his laugh. When he laughed he laughed with his entire body. He ended up covering his eyes with a hand and leaning forward to somehow help him recover. For some reason he found it more funny than the rest of us did. We were simply getting used to ChangMin’s randomness I suppose.
The meal finished soon after that, and we each took our trays to dump the trash and pile them up. Then we went back to finish up our practice for the day. Fortunately YunHo helped me this time without having to touch me, and I really think I improved my moves.
When we were satisfied with practice we decided to head home, too tired to go out anywhere. The group had a quick diner of left-overs from the night before, saving me the trouble of cooking, and decided to watch another movie. This time the day had gone so well, that I decided to watch the movie with them, hoping my luck wouldn’t change. I sat down on the couch and hugged a throw pillow to my stomach as I got comfortable. JunSu said he wasn’t going to watch the movie with us, complaining of a stomach ache from the food we had at lunch. Somehow he had decided that YooChun was to blame for his ailment because he had eaten food he had stolen from YooChun’s plate. So for the time being he wasn’t talking to him, and opted for lying in bed and sipping on tea. YooChun actually looked like he felt somewhat guilty, but sat and watched the movie with us anyway.
YunHo sat next to me, but stayed more than a foot away, which was unusual for him. He usually would get as close as possible. And for once I was willing to let that happen, and try and forget what heartache it might bring later. I looked over at him and he didn’t look back, instead he stared at the TV screen while ChangMin set up the DVD. YooChun sat on the other side of me and ChangMin sat beside him.
The movie started, and I waited for what had to be fifteen minutes before daring to try and get closer to YunHo. I moved my body closer to him, so that we were nearly touching. I looked over at him and waited until he looked back. He smiled a little, “Good movie…" YunHo said quietly. I hadn’t really noticed the movie.
“Yeah.” I moved even closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder, enjoying the warmth his body heat gave off and the smell of his cologne. After a few moments his arm hugged at my shoulders. I was finally content and relaxed, but my brain was already saying over and over again that this was all there was. A friendly hug here and there. Nothing more. How long could I stay like this? It didn’t help matters that although the movie we had selected was an action movie, the two main characters had fallen in love. I watched the movie, every romantic moment making me grip at the pillow tighter. When the two characters had reached the moment of their first kiss, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I think… I think I have the same thing JunSu has. I’m not feeling too well.” I said and quickly got up and waved off the worried, “Are you okay?” from YunHo.
I walked into my room and shut the door. In a moment I was sitting at the edge of my bed, my face buried in my hands trying to quiet my thoughts. Praying to whatever God was listening to please spare me from crying, just this once. I hated crying. Not just because it was humiliating, but because it was so hopeless and never ending. I couldn’t cry like this forever. Not night after night. I questioned why this had happened to me. Why I couldn’t just stay satisfied with being his best friend. Of course, I knew the answer. I had fallen hopelessly in love with him, and now there was no going back. I supposed it was my fate though, to be always at a distance, crying in my room. I felt the hot stream of tears run quickly down my cheek and watched the droplets hit my lap.
“Jae…?”
“YunHo?” I asked and looked up to see him standing in the doorway.
I realized that tears were still streaming down my face, and I hastily wiped them away with my sleeve. I felt so stupid, so ashamed that all of this could happen so suddenly. That the simplest of things could cause me to sink back into this heartbroken state.
“Jae… what’s wrong?” He said and approached me with a worried and questioning look.
I looked up at him and I couldn’t think of what to say. Unfortunately seeing him only made things worse, he was right here, but still so distant. More tears escaped my eyes and I covered my face with both hands as my breathing became labored.
“Jae, tell me what’s wrong.” YunHo said as he pulled me into his arms, my own arms trapped between us as my hands continued to cover my face. I couldn’t tell him. If I told him the truth, he’d reject me. And then I wouldn’t even have this. This friendship that I clinged to because I loved him so much.
“No.” I said and pushed him away gently. I backed up a step and wiped the rest of my tears from my face. “I need to get some sleep.” I told him, hoping he would get the hint that I wanted to be alone.
YunHo looked at me a bit surprised, probably because we told each other everything, always relied on each other.
“Okay.” He said, his tone revealing how confused he was. I waited for him to leave and shut the door before I fell into my bed and closed my eyes. I did need sleep, but I knew that night I wouldn’t get much.
A/N
1. Eek these chapters feel short, and I wasn't very happy with this chapter for some reason... hope you guys liked it.
2. There was a lot of ChangMin in this one wasn't there? Sorry I couldn't help myself ^^
3. The raisin speech comes from the movie "Benny and Joon". If you haven't seen it, go watch it right now.
4. Thanks for the comments so far! I love them. So much.
Go to Part Four