no words .
i say a lot of stuff when i get really depressed . i can't lie and say all that i said in my last entry was just emotion talking because i do feel that way most of the time . but that's me . that's how i've always been . i've just never expressed it to anyone .
the other night i found out that my mom had been emailing chris . i read them all . she emailed him first and asked how he was doing and such and wondered if he gave up on coming to see me and if he was over me and he replied and told her how much he missed me, still loved me, and more . and i just burst into tears . two months striving to be stronger and get over the fact he doesn't love me anymore . SHOT . i was so much better thinking he didn't wanna talk to me nor have anything to do with me . and despite the fact that he still hasn't come see me . i still miss him and love him so much . and i hate it . i told kindal and ash the other night when i went to chelsea's that the only thing i don't miss is the way i can just go anywhere and not have to worry about who's feelings i'm gonna hurt or who's getting jealous . i can hang out with marty and not feel guilty that i have a guy friend . i can make sudden plans with my friends and not feel guilty that i'm leaving someone behind . i don't miss going to prom with a gay guy because my date didn't show . i don't miss walking down the street or to my next class wishing all those couples had something in common with me . he was never there to hold my hand when i needed him . but i still love him .
i just talked to my mom and we cleared a lot of things up . of course i cried and now my throat hurts from coughing . joy . so i think from now on my mom and i are gonna have more of a trusting relationship . she's not gonna email chris anymore . and she says she's not gonna snoop around on my computer .
my dad came in earlier and i guess he read my journal somehow . he mae me cry and told me i was beautiful .
so now that my eyes are puffy i think i'm gonna tell you about the rest of my day and then go to bed .
i went to school and arrived 10 minutes late . it was a minimum day to classes were again pointless . in art i didn't do anything but talked to kristin about wrestling . went to biology and answered some questions . went to photo and worked on a project . went to ethics and gave my speech . i didn't look at the audience once . oops . oh well . went home and didn't eat and went back to school . went to econ and took notes . after school i went home and didn't do much of anything . i cried though . then i went to kristins and applied online for sierra and then we picked up angela and went down to sierra to take our assessment tests . i didn't hear the part about "just skip the ones you don't know, you're better off leaving them blank then guessing wrong ." and i guessed a lot . CRAP . i hope that doesn't hurt me too bad . =/ oh and there was a hot asian kid too . except his stupid fake huge diamond earrings . i hate that . but oh well . so then we waited for angelas parents to pick her up so they could go to the school baseball game at raley field and i called my mom and told her i knew she was talking to chris and we talked a little and i cried some more . then kristin and i went to SURPRISE in and out to eat . i'm getting sick of that place . so then i called marty and we talked for like an hour or so . well actually like 2 . =/ eeps . we talk a lot . he kept saying he wasn't gonna wear pants to wrestling . what in the world . and we agreed i had to bring a camera for the boys to play around with . oh my goodness gracious . so if that happens, i will be posting pics . so after we talked and i made it home with kristin driving, amazingly, i went home and watched fear factor and the kings game . WE WON . 3-1 . KINGS move onto the next round . BOO mavericks . 94-92 . THANK YOU nash for NOT making that shot at the buzzer . whahaha . anyway . so then me and my mom talked which i mentioned previously . yah so my entry is backwards . WELL SO ARE YOU . FREAK . =/
[ calming down ]
the other night i found out that my mom had been emailing chris . i read them all . she emailed him first and asked how he was doing and such and wondered if he gave up on coming to see me and if he was over me and he replied and told her how much he missed me, still loved me, and more . and i just burst into tears . two months striving to be stronger and get over the fact he doesn't love me anymore . SHOT . i was so much better thinking he didn't wanna talk to me nor have anything to do with me . and despite the fact that he still hasn't come see me . i still miss him and love him so much . and i hate it . i told kindal and ash the other night when i went to chelsea's that the only thing i don't miss is the way i can just go anywhere and not have to worry about who's feelings i'm gonna hurt or who's getting jealous . i can hang out with marty and not feel guilty that i have a guy friend . i can make sudden plans with my friends and not feel guilty that i'm leaving someone behind . i don't miss going to prom with a gay guy because my date didn't show . i don't miss walking down the street or to my next class wishing all those couples had something in common with me . he was never there to hold my hand when i needed him . but i still love him .
i just talked to my mom and we cleared a lot of things up . of course i cried and now my throat hurts from coughing . joy . so i think from now on my mom and i are gonna have more of a trusting relationship . she's not gonna email chris anymore . and she says she's not gonna snoop around on my computer .
my dad came in earlier and i guess he read my journal somehow . he mae me cry and told me i was beautiful .
so now that my eyes are puffy i think i'm gonna tell you about the rest of my day and then go to bed .
i went to school and arrived 10 minutes late . it was a minimum day to classes were again pointless . in art i didn't do anything but talked to kristin about wrestling . went to biology and answered some questions . went to photo and worked on a project . went to ethics and gave my speech . i didn't look at the audience once . oops . oh well . went home and didn't eat and went back to school . went to econ and took notes . after school i went home and didn't do much of anything . i cried though . then i went to kristins and applied online for sierra and then we picked up angela and went down to sierra to take our assessment tests . i didn't hear the part about "just skip the ones you don't know, you're better off leaving them blank then guessing wrong ." and i guessed a lot . CRAP . i hope that doesn't hurt me too bad . =/ oh and there was a hot asian kid too . except his stupid fake huge diamond earrings . i hate that . but oh well . so then we waited for angelas parents to pick her up so they could go to the school baseball game at raley field and i called my mom and told her i knew she was talking to chris and we talked a little and i cried some more . then kristin and i went to SURPRISE in and out to eat . i'm getting sick of that place . so then i called marty and we talked for like an hour or so . well actually like 2 . =/ eeps . we talk a lot . he kept saying he wasn't gonna wear pants to wrestling . what in the world . and we agreed i had to bring a camera for the boys to play around with . oh my goodness gracious . so if that happens, i will be posting pics . so after we talked and i made it home with kristin driving, amazingly, i went home and watched fear factor and the kings game . WE WON . 3-1 . KINGS move onto the next round . BOO mavericks . 94-92 . THANK YOU nash for NOT making that shot at the buzzer . whahaha . anyway . so then me and my mom talked which i mentioned previously . yah so my entry is backwards . WELL SO ARE YOU . FREAK . =/
[ calming down ]