When Depression Hits the End of the Road
I've been depressed now for almost 40 years. And I've been in pain, daily pain, for at least 4. You ever just think that maybe I'm tired? It's a grinding struggle, really a life or death struggle each and every moment because what I want to do, seriously want to do, is just rest, and for me there is no rest to be found.
When you have depression, sleeping a bunch makes the tired feeling worse, but you feel a bit better if you are doing stuff.
When you have chronic fatigue, doing stuff feels like you are running a marathon through syrup, but sleeping makes you feel marginally better.
When you have both chronic fatigue and depression, you never know what's going to help. Probably nothing. Sleeping makes you depressed, and doing stuff is exhausting. The very inability to do stuff creates depression of the finest caliber, the very pinnacle of depression as an art form is achieved. Sleep isn't exactly restful, either.
I'm just so fucking tired.
I went out and got high recently, and don't think that part of the reasoning in my head was because then I couldn't kill myself for awhile. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that there wouldn't be any illegal drugs in my system if I decided to self-terminate, because then some asshole doctor (and others) would say it was because of drugs. I once used a combination of legal and illegal drugs in a suicide attempt, and had been sober before, and some jackass shrink still tried to blame it on drugs. I literally took everything out of my bank account, started walking in one direction across the city, and bought and took anything I could find. Woke up somewhere on a wet concrete slab, managed to pretty much run the list of every drug known to mankind (and probably some things that you shouldn't even ingest...wouldn't be the first time I'd downed a cleaner or two), but when I was admitted the doctor just blamed my behavior as "drug related". Because no one wants to believe you'd make such a decision flat sober. After that, I figured I wouldn't give the fuckers such an easy excuse.
Yeah, it's been getting that bad.
Waiting on the doctors to keep adjusting my meds, but even though I have a great doctor, I don't have much faith. He's just not the miracle-worker that the last one was, and she literally worked a miracle in me. I've had great doctors before, who could never help me. (I've also had some shit ones.) My last doctor was the only one who ever made the miracle of not-depression happen, and she's gone now, and this cocktail of drugs isn't working any more. This guy is good, but he's just not that good.
I am completely fucked. I need another miracle, and/or another miracle worker.
In the meantime, I've scheduled a procedure that should help with one type of pain. I will get a referral to see the specialist to do the test that may or may not explain and help with a second type of pain. That's the physical stuff.
If these drugs don't do it, I may see if I can get coverage for ECT. I hear so many great things about it and depression, usually in the worst cases. And yes, there is some memory loss, but fuck it. Today, as I was getting off the metro, I suddenly couldn't remember what side I was supposed to use. A thing I do several times a week, for the past six or seven years, and suddenly I wasn't sure. I was lost and a bit turned around. Early senility is a bitch. Either that or it's the drug cocktail I'm already on, which is known for fucking up your memory too. If I am going senile, I really want someone to put a bullet in my head when it gets bad. I mean that. I'm worried I won't remember to before my brain is as fried as an egg, and by then it'll be too late. I'm getting ready to set up a healthcare power of attorney, but "put a bullet in me and throw me out with the trash" isn't generally covered as an option.
In the meantime, I'm going to attempt (once again) to do all the things I am supposed to do. Take my meds (which I do already on a fairly successful basis, in part with the aid of AgtOrange who keeps me in check), exercise a little bit (I'm planning on doing a bit of swimming), stretch a bit, and eat right. I've slacked a bit on healthy eating habits, so it's time to "get with the program" and I'm doing something similar to Whole30 or a not-so-strict Paleo, that you do for thirty days as a sort of cleanse. Basically, no processed foods, only whole grains, no processed sugars, and no dairy. All the unprocessed meat and veg you could want (although I may add bacon to that, because BACON), and for me a little bit of fruit. I already eat only organic meat & veggies, if I'm eating at home anyway. I'm also going to stop the caffeine after 1900 to help my sleeping. I plan on going back to my tea-drinking hard core, and have bought a bunch of tea recently. Debating whether I will allow myself to put a little honey in my tea, as I'm sure that breaks the spirit of the diet. I might not at first, and then after my system is a little "de-gunked" add it back in.
We'll see how I feel after all these things are in effect: food, exercise, pain procedures, and I've tried all I can try. And then, if I'm still feeling like shit in all directions...well...maybe I really am starting to come to the end of the road. Because currently there is nothing about this feeling that doesn't suck, and if it's planning on sucking a whole bunch for the next 40 years, I just don't think I can bear the ordeal.
When you have depression, sleeping a bunch makes the tired feeling worse, but you feel a bit better if you are doing stuff.
When you have chronic fatigue, doing stuff feels like you are running a marathon through syrup, but sleeping makes you feel marginally better.
When you have both chronic fatigue and depression, you never know what's going to help. Probably nothing. Sleeping makes you depressed, and doing stuff is exhausting. The very inability to do stuff creates depression of the finest caliber, the very pinnacle of depression as an art form is achieved. Sleep isn't exactly restful, either.
I'm just so fucking tired.
I went out and got high recently, and don't think that part of the reasoning in my head was because then I couldn't kill myself for awhile. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that there wouldn't be any illegal drugs in my system if I decided to self-terminate, because then some asshole doctor (and others) would say it was because of drugs. I once used a combination of legal and illegal drugs in a suicide attempt, and had been sober before, and some jackass shrink still tried to blame it on drugs. I literally took everything out of my bank account, started walking in one direction across the city, and bought and took anything I could find. Woke up somewhere on a wet concrete slab, managed to pretty much run the list of every drug known to mankind (and probably some things that you shouldn't even ingest...wouldn't be the first time I'd downed a cleaner or two), but when I was admitted the doctor just blamed my behavior as "drug related". Because no one wants to believe you'd make such a decision flat sober. After that, I figured I wouldn't give the fuckers such an easy excuse.
Yeah, it's been getting that bad.
Waiting on the doctors to keep adjusting my meds, but even though I have a great doctor, I don't have much faith. He's just not the miracle-worker that the last one was, and she literally worked a miracle in me. I've had great doctors before, who could never help me. (I've also had some shit ones.) My last doctor was the only one who ever made the miracle of not-depression happen, and she's gone now, and this cocktail of drugs isn't working any more. This guy is good, but he's just not that good.
I am completely fucked. I need another miracle, and/or another miracle worker.
In the meantime, I've scheduled a procedure that should help with one type of pain. I will get a referral to see the specialist to do the test that may or may not explain and help with a second type of pain. That's the physical stuff.
If these drugs don't do it, I may see if I can get coverage for ECT. I hear so many great things about it and depression, usually in the worst cases. And yes, there is some memory loss, but fuck it. Today, as I was getting off the metro, I suddenly couldn't remember what side I was supposed to use. A thing I do several times a week, for the past six or seven years, and suddenly I wasn't sure. I was lost and a bit turned around. Early senility is a bitch. Either that or it's the drug cocktail I'm already on, which is known for fucking up your memory too. If I am going senile, I really want someone to put a bullet in my head when it gets bad. I mean that. I'm worried I won't remember to before my brain is as fried as an egg, and by then it'll be too late. I'm getting ready to set up a healthcare power of attorney, but "put a bullet in me and throw me out with the trash" isn't generally covered as an option.
In the meantime, I'm going to attempt (once again) to do all the things I am supposed to do. Take my meds (which I do already on a fairly successful basis, in part with the aid of AgtOrange who keeps me in check), exercise a little bit (I'm planning on doing a bit of swimming), stretch a bit, and eat right. I've slacked a bit on healthy eating habits, so it's time to "get with the program" and I'm doing something similar to Whole30 or a not-so-strict Paleo, that you do for thirty days as a sort of cleanse. Basically, no processed foods, only whole grains, no processed sugars, and no dairy. All the unprocessed meat and veg you could want (although I may add bacon to that, because BACON), and for me a little bit of fruit. I already eat only organic meat & veggies, if I'm eating at home anyway. I'm also going to stop the caffeine after 1900 to help my sleeping. I plan on going back to my tea-drinking hard core, and have bought a bunch of tea recently. Debating whether I will allow myself to put a little honey in my tea, as I'm sure that breaks the spirit of the diet. I might not at first, and then after my system is a little "de-gunked" add it back in.
We'll see how I feel after all these things are in effect: food, exercise, pain procedures, and I've tried all I can try. And then, if I'm still feeling like shit in all directions...well...maybe I really am starting to come to the end of the road. Because currently there is nothing about this feeling that doesn't suck, and if it's planning on sucking a whole bunch for the next 40 years, I just don't think I can bear the ordeal.