(no subject)
today is an odd day but a good day. i went to work, which was remarkably slow, as usual on a sunday, i came home, played on the net, worked on my corset, and almost have my cyber-falls finished.
im expecting dooma soon. its been years it seems. she is the only one left.
as i was surfing and catching up on what had been going on in the world since my exile months ago, i started to feel bad. then a little angry and resentful. they are out doing things and going places and buying cool new gadgets and toys to play with, living it up in the cities of the south. what am i doing? im back in the same place i was in high school.... or am i.
i began to think and realized something. i am not in the same place and im not the same person i was. i felt trapped then and didnt have a way out. i had loads of friends and plenty of time.
now, i have my own car, i can go where ever i want and when i want. im connected, i have dsl and a saucy new 'puter. im days away from being liscensed which means if i choose to never go back to school i still have a career making really good money. im losing weight and getting into really good shape.
they may have the city and loads of friends and activities, but i have everything i own because i worked for it. i worked for it. i have suffered the worst job and survived, i have struggled with a college for 2 yrs to complete a 11 month course. i have only recently connected myself to the net with technology that wasnt someone else's. but i worked for it all.
40 hour work weeks and 40 hour school weeks, driving an hour one way to school then to work. arriving home late in the night to get up again hours later to do it all over. through this process i will never take a good job or situation for granted.
i am seperate, i am in control, i am not worried, i have the power in my life. things will only get better.
my friends are going away to awa this weekend, i wish i could go, but i know i will be able to next year. actually after a few months with my liscense i wont have to miss another activity unless i choose too. its great to get payed well and have versitile hours. being able to have whatever color hair anf whatever i want peirced is magnificent also.
i love and miss my friends, even the ones that never contact me. i know they are thinking about me, i can hear their thoughts. there are those that wonder if they will see me again, there are those that think i have forgotten and there are those that think im upset.
you are all right and wrong, i will never forget, i will see you again and i am upset but it will pass. i still love you ,...but i cant love you. i want to love you but you dont love yourself enough to allow others to love you. i remember the plans we had made and still would love to do them. i wish i could help you help yourself but i cant. i wish there were a way to express my love for you but there isnt a way that would be exactly accurate, all communication falls short. i dont love you like you love me, but if i were closer i would let you pretend.
im still cold like i was, i think im just numb now. im no longer invisible, i no longer exist. im no longer baking pies. i have evolved.
im expecting dooma soon. its been years it seems. she is the only one left.
as i was surfing and catching up on what had been going on in the world since my exile months ago, i started to feel bad. then a little angry and resentful. they are out doing things and going places and buying cool new gadgets and toys to play with, living it up in the cities of the south. what am i doing? im back in the same place i was in high school.... or am i.
i began to think and realized something. i am not in the same place and im not the same person i was. i felt trapped then and didnt have a way out. i had loads of friends and plenty of time.
now, i have my own car, i can go where ever i want and when i want. im connected, i have dsl and a saucy new 'puter. im days away from being liscensed which means if i choose to never go back to school i still have a career making really good money. im losing weight and getting into really good shape.
they may have the city and loads of friends and activities, but i have everything i own because i worked for it. i worked for it. i have suffered the worst job and survived, i have struggled with a college for 2 yrs to complete a 11 month course. i have only recently connected myself to the net with technology that wasnt someone else's. but i worked for it all.
40 hour work weeks and 40 hour school weeks, driving an hour one way to school then to work. arriving home late in the night to get up again hours later to do it all over. through this process i will never take a good job or situation for granted.
i am seperate, i am in control, i am not worried, i have the power in my life. things will only get better.
my friends are going away to awa this weekend, i wish i could go, but i know i will be able to next year. actually after a few months with my liscense i wont have to miss another activity unless i choose too. its great to get payed well and have versitile hours. being able to have whatever color hair anf whatever i want peirced is magnificent also.
i love and miss my friends, even the ones that never contact me. i know they are thinking about me, i can hear their thoughts. there are those that wonder if they will see me again, there are those that think i have forgotten and there are those that think im upset.
you are all right and wrong, i will never forget, i will see you again and i am upset but it will pass. i still love you ,...but i cant love you. i want to love you but you dont love yourself enough to allow others to love you. i remember the plans we had made and still would love to do them. i wish i could help you help yourself but i cant. i wish there were a way to express my love for you but there isnt a way that would be exactly accurate, all communication falls short. i dont love you like you love me, but if i were closer i would let you pretend.
im still cold like i was, i think im just numb now. im no longer invisible, i no longer exist. im no longer baking pies. i have evolved.