why do i seem to set myself up for failure?
before Flipside, i was dating a really nice, wonderful man, for maybe 2 weeks, it seemed we hit it off pretty darn fast too, right from the start he was easy to talk to, snuggle up to and be with. from the start he was a real gentleman, opening the doors for me, helping me in and out of his truck, sitting me when we ate. seemed to be very caring and understanding.i felt such an attraction, unlike any in so long,,,,more than a physical attraction, more than a sexual attraction,,,,like the song goes, he had me from hello,,,,,when i got back from flipside, i was all excited to see him, i did truelly miss him, he said he missed me too, i spent several hrs with him Memorial day evening, we talked, snuggled on the swing and couch, he rubbed aloe over my sunburn,,,we laughed teased and had what i thought was a good evening,,,,
wednesday i had a horrendous emotional drop, from FLipside,end of school, new job info, summer feeding info, ex chit, kids, you name it, i got emotional from it. i felt i needed someone to cry/lean on
thursday evening i decided to surprise him, i went to his house , taking him flowers, (he had told me i was welcome anytime and if i needed to talk or just someone to be there,,,he was it) i was told i could come out whenever i wanted, i got there, knocked, no answer. the dogs came out and greeted me, i opened the door and called his name, no answer. i put the flowers in the bar sink in water, looked in the livin room and his bedroom, called his name, no answer. i stood listening, i heard nothing. so i went outside, thinking he was out tending cows or doing chores. i walked all over the yard playing with the dogs, sat on the swing a bit,,,all the ti me listening for him and lookin in the pastures i could see, after about 30 minutes i went back inside,i heard something in his room, i called his name as i entered, saw him in the closet gettin his shoes, evidently he had been in the shower,,,,as his hair was wet and he had on a fresh change of clothes,i could tell he was irritated by his look and mood, he asked what i was doin? i jokingly replied i was there to seduce him AND i brought him flowers,,,,his reply,,,,girl, that was a good way to get shot, coming in unannounced. he sat on the couch puttin on his socks and shoes,,,,and replied, besides i have chores to do,,,,,i stood there with no words,,,,i felt so awkward, so unwelcome, so i said, fine i will go home. and i did, he didnt say anything else, try to stop me or call.
WTF?
i am still at a loss for words
ive called him several times, i even started out to his house, but i turned around before i got there, i dont know how to react to this. i finally just left him the message of apology, for intruding, for acting like a stalker, whatever i did, i told him i was sorry. i told him i would like to see him still/again, as i felt there was something there and i thought he was returning the affection.
i know i am a big old doofus sentimental thing, but all i can say is i fell for him, hook, line and sinker,,,,now i cry,,,,
why do i let myself feel so soon? so early?
why did i have that hope that i could love and be loved again?
why did i seriously think i could be happy again?
why did i even get a smidgen of hope i wouldnt be lonely no more?
i need to harden myself, build a box around my heart and soul.
i feel so stupid, so alone, so cut open and dumb.
it was/is so much easier to be easy and whorish. no expextations, no hurt and no disappointment .
just sex, fun, no cares. no hurt, no crying.
oh well, i feel like i lost once again. when will i ever learn?
wednesday i had a horrendous emotional drop, from FLipside,end of school, new job info, summer feeding info, ex chit, kids, you name it, i got emotional from it. i felt i needed someone to cry/lean on
thursday evening i decided to surprise him, i went to his house , taking him flowers, (he had told me i was welcome anytime and if i needed to talk or just someone to be there,,,he was it) i was told i could come out whenever i wanted, i got there, knocked, no answer. the dogs came out and greeted me, i opened the door and called his name, no answer. i put the flowers in the bar sink in water, looked in the livin room and his bedroom, called his name, no answer. i stood listening, i heard nothing. so i went outside, thinking he was out tending cows or doing chores. i walked all over the yard playing with the dogs, sat on the swing a bit,,,all the ti me listening for him and lookin in the pastures i could see, after about 30 minutes i went back inside,i heard something in his room, i called his name as i entered, saw him in the closet gettin his shoes, evidently he had been in the shower,,,,as his hair was wet and he had on a fresh change of clothes,i could tell he was irritated by his look and mood, he asked what i was doin? i jokingly replied i was there to seduce him AND i brought him flowers,,,,his reply,,,,girl, that was a good way to get shot, coming in unannounced. he sat on the couch puttin on his socks and shoes,,,,and replied, besides i have chores to do,,,,,i stood there with no words,,,,i felt so awkward, so unwelcome, so i said, fine i will go home. and i did, he didnt say anything else, try to stop me or call.
WTF?
i am still at a loss for words
ive called him several times, i even started out to his house, but i turned around before i got there, i dont know how to react to this. i finally just left him the message of apology, for intruding, for acting like a stalker, whatever i did, i told him i was sorry. i told him i would like to see him still/again, as i felt there was something there and i thought he was returning the affection.
i know i am a big old doofus sentimental thing, but all i can say is i fell for him, hook, line and sinker,,,,now i cry,,,,
why do i let myself feel so soon? so early?
why did i have that hope that i could love and be loved again?
why did i seriously think i could be happy again?
why did i even get a smidgen of hope i wouldnt be lonely no more?
i need to harden myself, build a box around my heart and soul.
i feel so stupid, so alone, so cut open and dumb.
it was/is so much easier to be easy and whorish. no expextations, no hurt and no disappointment .
just sex, fun, no cares. no hurt, no crying.
oh well, i feel like i lost once again. when will i ever learn?