we've got tonight, who needs tomorrow...?
So my life has become some sort of version of There's Something About Mary. only i'm mary. or...There's Something About Natalie. yeah something like that. only without the long-lost high school flame part. or Just Friends (which i just watched). only we're not gonna end up together in the end. okay i really don't know what movie it's like, but it's like this.
i have a roommate upstairs (well 2 actually) named mike (okay they're both named mike...). mike and i are like....closest to soulmates i've ever seen. we've only known each other for 8 months but we finish each others sentences, say things at the same time ALL the time, love the same stuff (music, movies etc etc). like i had previously said he reminds me of my friend MJ, his humor that kind of thing. i have a ball whenever im with him and i love him to death....as a friend.
he's tried twice now to get together with me, basically with the "why not?" speech. we have so much in common, we're like the same person, we love each others' company. only one problem: i'm not attracted to him whatsoever. i've told him this. more than once. i am just not attracted to him in that way. it has nothing to do with his trust or what he used to be like or whatever. i'm just.not.attracted.to.him.
and he is in love with me.
no, i mean he is.in.love.with.me. not 'hey you're kinda cute i think we should date.' in l-o-v-e love with me. aaand sometimes it gets kind of weird. like we'll just be hanging out watchin a movie or out on the porch drinking beer and he'll ask AGAIN why we aren't together. i dont know what else to say. last time he asked i got kind of angry and said "you know why!" and he got pissed and said he'd rather have me in his life as a friend than nothing at all but he wouldn't stop trying. and then he pretty much stormed off to bed.
we have a camping trip planned in two weeks. well, every summer his whole mom's side of his family goes camping in allegany and i kinda don't want to go. i feel that i keep perpetuating this feeling that if he tries hard enough one day we'll be together but i'm JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM LIKE THAT. i can't help it! i love him so much as a person and as a friend but......i just don't know what to do anymore. i can't be in a relationship where i'm not physically attracted to the person even if there's an incredible mental connection. and now i realize that if i try to date other guys, what is mike going to do? he's going to get angry. he may move out. i don't know. im not trying to hurt him, but can i actually bring guys home without doing so? part of me says why care? but i still value his friendship and i consider him one of my best friends, despite the short time we've known each other.
and then there's joe. i've known joe for...well....for a very long time. since high school. almost 10 years probably. and joe also thinks that one day something will happen between us. and again, i love joe...as a friend. but nothing more. he makes simple situations awkward. he's invited me out to a bar, where i figured it'd just be friends getting together and turns out its just joe. the first time i had him to the apartment he brought me a big bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine and leo thought we were going on a date. i mean, if you've ever seen Happy Gilmore, joe reminds me of "friends can listen to endless love in the dark!" i think we're just friends. joe thinks that with enough convincing we can be more. and now almost every situation with joe is awkward; buying things for me etc.
and now, they're combining forces. joe's new best friend is now mike. tonight they went out for drinks at fridays and wanted me to go. just me. yeaaahhh im not falling into that trap. but what worries me more is what they talk about when they're together. i'm obviously the common bond between the two. and when joe drinks he won't shut up about his love life, or lack thereof. and then gets drunk. and cries. i mean, the first night mike had joe over for beers (and joe got piss-ass drunk) i remember we were sitting on the porch and guiness was trying to climb up me and pulling at my shirt and one of them said something along the lines of "oh that'd be terrible if her shirt slipped and she had a wardrobe malfunction" oh ha ha ha. so i brushed it off as if i hadn't heard it. but it just makes me uneasy.
i've decided i'm only desirable to the men i don't want. it's a hell of a situation.
and i was supposed to go on a date friday, but we had to cancel because his brother had his car and i ended up just going to underground anyway and meeting up with my sister which was fun and hilarious and i have decided i need to get her drunk in public more often.
le sigh.
on another note, i found out that my insurance does not require referrals and i think on monday i am going to make an appointment for a bariatric surgery consultation. im just sick and tired of being fat and not being able to lose it. i look horrible, i feel bad about my appearance more times than not, and even worse heart disease and diabetes runs in my family and my weight, especially only being 23, puts me at a huge risk to get either one or both. i keep remembering that i was fat in high school, and then i realize that i've gained over 50 pounds since then. of course the meds im on don't help either (and they give me headaches too, boo). its just a vicious cycle, i feel bad about myself, so i eat. i get fat. i feel bad about myself. so i eat. and here we are. ugh.
le double sigh.
i have a roommate upstairs (well 2 actually) named mike (okay they're both named mike...). mike and i are like....closest to soulmates i've ever seen. we've only known each other for 8 months but we finish each others sentences, say things at the same time ALL the time, love the same stuff (music, movies etc etc). like i had previously said he reminds me of my friend MJ, his humor that kind of thing. i have a ball whenever im with him and i love him to death....as a friend.
he's tried twice now to get together with me, basically with the "why not?" speech. we have so much in common, we're like the same person, we love each others' company. only one problem: i'm not attracted to him whatsoever. i've told him this. more than once. i am just not attracted to him in that way. it has nothing to do with his trust or what he used to be like or whatever. i'm just.not.attracted.to.him.
and he is in love with me.
no, i mean he is.in.love.with.me. not 'hey you're kinda cute i think we should date.' in l-o-v-e love with me. aaand sometimes it gets kind of weird. like we'll just be hanging out watchin a movie or out on the porch drinking beer and he'll ask AGAIN why we aren't together. i dont know what else to say. last time he asked i got kind of angry and said "you know why!" and he got pissed and said he'd rather have me in his life as a friend than nothing at all but he wouldn't stop trying. and then he pretty much stormed off to bed.
we have a camping trip planned in two weeks. well, every summer his whole mom's side of his family goes camping in allegany and i kinda don't want to go. i feel that i keep perpetuating this feeling that if he tries hard enough one day we'll be together but i'm JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM LIKE THAT. i can't help it! i love him so much as a person and as a friend but......i just don't know what to do anymore. i can't be in a relationship where i'm not physically attracted to the person even if there's an incredible mental connection. and now i realize that if i try to date other guys, what is mike going to do? he's going to get angry. he may move out. i don't know. im not trying to hurt him, but can i actually bring guys home without doing so? part of me says why care? but i still value his friendship and i consider him one of my best friends, despite the short time we've known each other.
and then there's joe. i've known joe for...well....for a very long time. since high school. almost 10 years probably. and joe also thinks that one day something will happen between us. and again, i love joe...as a friend. but nothing more. he makes simple situations awkward. he's invited me out to a bar, where i figured it'd just be friends getting together and turns out its just joe. the first time i had him to the apartment he brought me a big bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine and leo thought we were going on a date. i mean, if you've ever seen Happy Gilmore, joe reminds me of "friends can listen to endless love in the dark!" i think we're just friends. joe thinks that with enough convincing we can be more. and now almost every situation with joe is awkward; buying things for me etc.
and now, they're combining forces. joe's new best friend is now mike. tonight they went out for drinks at fridays and wanted me to go. just me. yeaaahhh im not falling into that trap. but what worries me more is what they talk about when they're together. i'm obviously the common bond between the two. and when joe drinks he won't shut up about his love life, or lack thereof. and then gets drunk. and cries. i mean, the first night mike had joe over for beers (and joe got piss-ass drunk) i remember we were sitting on the porch and guiness was trying to climb up me and pulling at my shirt and one of them said something along the lines of "oh that'd be terrible if her shirt slipped and she had a wardrobe malfunction" oh ha ha ha. so i brushed it off as if i hadn't heard it. but it just makes me uneasy.
i've decided i'm only desirable to the men i don't want. it's a hell of a situation.
and i was supposed to go on a date friday, but we had to cancel because his brother had his car and i ended up just going to underground anyway and meeting up with my sister which was fun and hilarious and i have decided i need to get her drunk in public more often.
le sigh.
on another note, i found out that my insurance does not require referrals and i think on monday i am going to make an appointment for a bariatric surgery consultation. im just sick and tired of being fat and not being able to lose it. i look horrible, i feel bad about my appearance more times than not, and even worse heart disease and diabetes runs in my family and my weight, especially only being 23, puts me at a huge risk to get either one or both. i keep remembering that i was fat in high school, and then i realize that i've gained over 50 pounds since then. of course the meds im on don't help either (and they give me headaches too, boo). its just a vicious cycle, i feel bad about myself, so i eat. i get fat. i feel bad about myself. so i eat. and here we are. ugh.
le double sigh.