(no subject)
I havehad 2 days in a row off, after 7 days straight of work (what "part-time" what now?). 1 down, 1 to go. Today was spent getting up at the crack of dawn to get an MRI. I then broke out into hives reacting to the contrast dye and spent the day sleeping off antihistemenes.
This is my followup brain MRI. The first one I've had to track the tumor's progress. I just...don't even have the energy to care. And I mean that. Not "I don't have the energy to care but I'm doing it anyways and dragging myself down further and further" I mean I just don't even care. At this point, it is what it is and it honestly doesn't matter what the results show. It's a diagnostic--if it was never there to begin with and we're back to square one, whatever, it's not like any other result was going to inspire the doctors to do jack shit about my problems, like always. If it hasn't grown or anything, it's back to business as usual. If it's gotten bigger, they'll need to figure out if they need to operate, And yeah I'm totally terrified of brain surgery. But at this point I'm not even looking too far into my own future. I just don't care.
Sure it's a defeatist attitude. But taking an Eeyore approach to the situation ensures that I won't be distraught with the results. There is a 30% chance the results won't be heart-crushing. 60% chance the results will completely mess up my life, again. I'd rather assume the worst because if I get bad news, I'll be perapred...wait that's bullshit. No matter how much I tell myself the worst case scenario is gonna happen, I'm never prepared. So I'm just taking the "whatever, everything sucks and I don't particularly care anymore" attitude.
I've kind of been less and less interested in my abusive love-affair with hospitals. It really is a poisonous relationship. I think something broke in me the day the ER doctor in Chicago told me that I had stabbing, world-engulfing pain in my jaw because I had bipolar and I needed to go back on psychiatric medications. It was this huge bucket of cold water: "doctors don't believe you. Even when it's proven there's a problem with you, they don't care." It didn't matter that I actually had an intractably infected abcess spewing bacteria into my bloodstream causing excruciating pain and illness and was eventually operated on; my history of having a mental illness automatically makes me a hypochrondriac, an exaggerator, and a liar, and it really is always going to be that way. I have 9 doctors I need to make appointments with and I can't even gain the wherewithal to dial the numbers into the phone.
But it has hurt for a really long time. I wanted to stop caring for so long. I wanted to just be able to give up and not give a shit that my life is becoming more and more forfeit. Being emotionally invested in my well-being has caused more stress than good. I'm starting to move closer towards that goal, but I'm still not there. I am craving blessed numbness.
An aside-- my thinking is getting cloudier and cloudier. My alzheimeryness is now being noticed on a daily basis. Tonight I put 3 pinches of salt on my steak (because I kept forgetting that I'd already put one on already) and my mom said "I think that's enough salt." I then completely absentmindedly took salt I'd already put on my steak and put it back in the salt bowl. I didn't even realize I'd done it (I don't remember doing it), my parents pointed it out angrily because the salt bowl now had steak sauce in it, and I had no idea what they were talking about.
Yesterday I put frozen foods into the cereal cubbord. I hadn't bought food that even needed to go in there, so it wasn't open anyways or really absentmindedly putting it away with the rest of the stuff. I took the bag of frozen groceries, opened the cubbord, put the frozen foods in, closed it, and left. I assume--see, I don't remember doing this. But my parents found the food this morning and it had melted and seeped out all over the cubbord. There are more examples but I can't even remember them now. I know absentminded moments happen to everyone, but these are a daily and multiple times daily occurance. I am having "senior moments" at age 22. I seriously need help.
Too bad no doctor seems particularly inclined to give it.
Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself, I don't care. It's how I deal with being blown off by these people. I just wish I were taken seriously.
In other news, I'm also still working my "part time sales associate job" aka my 35 hours a week doing managerial duties foisted upon me though I'm just being paid an associate wage, while trying to take a evolutionary biology course in between, and while being mentally and physically incapacitated. Life's a total fucking joy. Not having enough time/energy/wherewithall to take care of myself is my favorite. And I'm tired of people saying stuff like "at least I have a job"--the job is making me sicker, and I'm being forced to take manager responsibilities without wanting them, being able to do them, or getting paid for them (aka I'm effectively manager but since I'm listed as associate they can pay me 55% less than they would a manager and when I refuse to do the duties I get berated into doing it ["these are your job expectations," "everyone else has to do this stuff (bullshit and we all know it)", etc], essentially they're walking all over me because I'm a fucking doormat and don't know how to stand up for myself). So forgive me if I'm not particularly grateful right now. Definitely not really feeling the grateful.
This is my followup brain MRI. The first one I've had to track the tumor's progress. I just...don't even have the energy to care. And I mean that. Not "I don't have the energy to care but I'm doing it anyways and dragging myself down further and further" I mean I just don't even care. At this point, it is what it is and it honestly doesn't matter what the results show. It's a diagnostic--if it was never there to begin with and we're back to square one, whatever, it's not like any other result was going to inspire the doctors to do jack shit about my problems, like always. If it hasn't grown or anything, it's back to business as usual. If it's gotten bigger, they'll need to figure out if they need to operate, And yeah I'm totally terrified of brain surgery. But at this point I'm not even looking too far into my own future. I just don't care.
Sure it's a defeatist attitude. But taking an Eeyore approach to the situation ensures that I won't be distraught with the results. There is a 30% chance the results won't be heart-crushing. 60% chance the results will completely mess up my life, again. I'd rather assume the worst because if I get bad news, I'll be perapred...wait that's bullshit. No matter how much I tell myself the worst case scenario is gonna happen, I'm never prepared. So I'm just taking the "whatever, everything sucks and I don't particularly care anymore" attitude.
I've kind of been less and less interested in my abusive love-affair with hospitals. It really is a poisonous relationship. I think something broke in me the day the ER doctor in Chicago told me that I had stabbing, world-engulfing pain in my jaw because I had bipolar and I needed to go back on psychiatric medications. It was this huge bucket of cold water: "doctors don't believe you. Even when it's proven there's a problem with you, they don't care." It didn't matter that I actually had an intractably infected abcess spewing bacteria into my bloodstream causing excruciating pain and illness and was eventually operated on; my history of having a mental illness automatically makes me a hypochrondriac, an exaggerator, and a liar, and it really is always going to be that way. I have 9 doctors I need to make appointments with and I can't even gain the wherewithal to dial the numbers into the phone.
But it has hurt for a really long time. I wanted to stop caring for so long. I wanted to just be able to give up and not give a shit that my life is becoming more and more forfeit. Being emotionally invested in my well-being has caused more stress than good. I'm starting to move closer towards that goal, but I'm still not there. I am craving blessed numbness.
An aside-- my thinking is getting cloudier and cloudier. My alzheimeryness is now being noticed on a daily basis. Tonight I put 3 pinches of salt on my steak (because I kept forgetting that I'd already put one on already) and my mom said "I think that's enough salt." I then completely absentmindedly took salt I'd already put on my steak and put it back in the salt bowl. I didn't even realize I'd done it (I don't remember doing it), my parents pointed it out angrily because the salt bowl now had steak sauce in it, and I had no idea what they were talking about.
Yesterday I put frozen foods into the cereal cubbord. I hadn't bought food that even needed to go in there, so it wasn't open anyways or really absentmindedly putting it away with the rest of the stuff. I took the bag of frozen groceries, opened the cubbord, put the frozen foods in, closed it, and left. I assume--see, I don't remember doing this. But my parents found the food this morning and it had melted and seeped out all over the cubbord. There are more examples but I can't even remember them now. I know absentminded moments happen to everyone, but these are a daily and multiple times daily occurance. I am having "senior moments" at age 22. I seriously need help.
Too bad no doctor seems particularly inclined to give it.
Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself, I don't care. It's how I deal with being blown off by these people. I just wish I were taken seriously.
In other news, I'm also still working my "part time sales associate job" aka my 35 hours a week doing managerial duties foisted upon me though I'm just being paid an associate wage, while trying to take a evolutionary biology course in between, and while being mentally and physically incapacitated. Life's a total fucking joy. Not having enough time/energy/wherewithall to take care of myself is my favorite. And I'm tired of people saying stuff like "at least I have a job"--the job is making me sicker, and I'm being forced to take manager responsibilities without wanting them, being able to do them, or getting paid for them (aka I'm effectively manager but since I'm listed as associate they can pay me 55% less than they would a manager and when I refuse to do the duties I get berated into doing it ["these are your job expectations," "everyone else has to do this stuff (bullshit and we all know it)", etc], essentially they're walking all over me because I'm a fucking doormat and don't know how to stand up for myself). So forgive me if I'm not particularly grateful right now. Definitely not really feeling the grateful.