miserable - I need change!
Quite honestly, miserable does not even describe how I feel, and that greatly disgusts me! I feel heartbroken and pathetically dissatisfied with my life.
Although I'm constantly trying self-improvement & have molded myself in to the character/values that I want & need, … I have a strong difficulty with liking myself! On top of everything else, if I am stuck in any sort of rut, it makes me so mad & hurt & disappointed with myself. Even though I face struggles that a lot of people will never face (though I know I am not the only one who does) or understand, I am viciously hard on myself! But because of the ways that I struggle (& how deeply I struggle), I have this terrible fear that I will never be able to achieve the goals that I have in life! But, I nearly hate myself for what I have so far been able to do!
I also have an unbearable amount of pain within me, that I struggle with every day. Though I may honestly never heal, I have to function "normal" & be productive. Ugh I hate the things that have been obstacles in my life. The book "A Child Called It" bares a few similarities, but that's just part of it. I honestly don't know how David Pelzer (the author) copes each day after experiencing the traumas that he went through!
I quite honestly can't handle for things not to get better, I seriously am so worn thin, & I don't know how much longer I can "hang in there" before it damages me a lot worse! Quite honestly, I am probably the strongest people I have ever met, but life has exhausted me, & I can't cope anymore. I don't know how to make this better, & I have ran out of ways to try to deal with it all!
I have no plans of killing myself, but I feel so shattered inside, & I keep dropping all of the freakin shards of my heart! I never tell anybody that, but that is really the truth!
Too, I am so disgusted with myself, because I am the type of person who is constantly focusing on optimism, encouraging others, & it's my heart's desire to do a lot of important things with my life (to benefit both myself & others)… well image if someone like that was having extreme difficulty holding on to hope or even feeling alive. Well, this entry is a sugar-coated fraction of a summary of what's going on with me! Quite honestly, I don't know how much more I can take!
Altough I don't know how I can afford it (fafsa etc doesn't cover all of the costs & I've had no luck with finding a job),… or the coping part (as I mentioned above),… I'm really hoping that I can do college in the spring! I'm desperate to do something with my life! I wish I knew of some good job training program I could do in the meantime! Does anyone know what types of places offer job training, or how to find those places/programs?
Although my family is alive, they are not a healthy choice, & I can most easily be described as an "orphan." I wish I was exaggerating (b/c that would mean things aren't as bad off), but that is the way it is & it will never change!
I don't mean to unload a completely crappy bit of things onto you, it's not quite your job to be my "cure all," & I know that's in no way realistic… But, do you have any advice? I desperately need for things in my life to improve, & I equally need to heal! And I desperately need some new ways to cope, because I have ran out of them! I feel exhausted inside, & it's keeping me drained physically too, chest pains, etc! Anything positive thing you can advise would be great! Thanks in advance! (This is so embarrassing to me to admit all of this & it is very hard for me to ask for help, even though I need it so much!)
Also, any moral/emotional support would be great! Ugh I feel like a moron! I've moved so much, shut down so much, etc, that my friends are all scattered about the country, so hanging out with friends is only barely an option! We're still close bonded, but don't have the means to spend much time together anymore (almost none at all)!… Heh, anybody want to be friends? That would be great! ;)
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Although I'm constantly trying self-improvement & have molded myself in to the character/values that I want & need, … I have a strong difficulty with liking myself! On top of everything else, if I am stuck in any sort of rut, it makes me so mad & hurt & disappointed with myself. Even though I face struggles that a lot of people will never face (though I know I am not the only one who does) or understand, I am viciously hard on myself! But because of the ways that I struggle (& how deeply I struggle), I have this terrible fear that I will never be able to achieve the goals that I have in life! But, I nearly hate myself for what I have so far been able to do!
I also have an unbearable amount of pain within me, that I struggle with every day. Though I may honestly never heal, I have to function "normal" & be productive. Ugh I hate the things that have been obstacles in my life. The book "A Child Called It" bares a few similarities, but that's just part of it. I honestly don't know how David Pelzer (the author) copes each day after experiencing the traumas that he went through!
I quite honestly can't handle for things not to get better, I seriously am so worn thin, & I don't know how much longer I can "hang in there" before it damages me a lot worse! Quite honestly, I am probably the strongest people I have ever met, but life has exhausted me, & I can't cope anymore. I don't know how to make this better, & I have ran out of ways to try to deal with it all!
I have no plans of killing myself, but I feel so shattered inside, & I keep dropping all of the freakin shards of my heart! I never tell anybody that, but that is really the truth!
Too, I am so disgusted with myself, because I am the type of person who is constantly focusing on optimism, encouraging others, & it's my heart's desire to do a lot of important things with my life (to benefit both myself & others)… well image if someone like that was having extreme difficulty holding on to hope or even feeling alive. Well, this entry is a sugar-coated fraction of a summary of what's going on with me! Quite honestly, I don't know how much more I can take!
Altough I don't know how I can afford it (fafsa etc doesn't cover all of the costs & I've had no luck with finding a job),… or the coping part (as I mentioned above),… I'm really hoping that I can do college in the spring! I'm desperate to do something with my life! I wish I knew of some good job training program I could do in the meantime! Does anyone know what types of places offer job training, or how to find those places/programs?
Although my family is alive, they are not a healthy choice, & I can most easily be described as an "orphan." I wish I was exaggerating (b/c that would mean things aren't as bad off), but that is the way it is & it will never change!
I don't mean to unload a completely crappy bit of things onto you, it's not quite your job to be my "cure all," & I know that's in no way realistic… But, do you have any advice? I desperately need for things in my life to improve, & I equally need to heal! And I desperately need some new ways to cope, because I have ran out of them! I feel exhausted inside, & it's keeping me drained physically too, chest pains, etc! Anything positive thing you can advise would be great! Thanks in advance! (This is so embarrassing to me to admit all of this & it is very hard for me to ask for help, even though I need it so much!)
Also, any moral/emotional support would be great! Ugh I feel like a moron! I've moved so much, shut down so much, etc, that my friends are all scattered about the country, so hanging out with friends is only barely an option! We're still close bonded, but don't have the means to spend much time together anymore (almost none at all)!… Heh, anybody want to be friends? That would be great! ;)
Posted via m.livejournal.com.