Private
It just realized that all my entries for the past year have been private. I used to be so much more willing to share when I was younger and yet, the older I get the more I realize that some things are better left in my head. So much of my life is me pretending to be more put together than I am. It's been over a decade now of "adulting;" working, paying bills, and pushing past artificial milestones, and really, mostly trying to live up to expectations set by everyone else but me. It's easy to be easy-going. And for the most part, going with the flow seems to be an okay path out since in the end, it really does end up working out no matter how panicked, manic, and unsure I feel in the moment. Lately though, talking to the career counselor has really forced me to evaluate who I am and the choices I've made so far as a way to figure out what it is I want to do in search of fulfillment. Being "okay" with something is vastly different than actively choosing; so much of my life thus far has been living with "okay" which has let me put my head in the sand and ignore harder thoughts and real self-reflection since I'm not too great shining the spotlight on myself. It's far easier to be the helper and solve other problems and in doing that, I get to conveniently avoid figuring out what I want because each time I run into this question, I say, "I don't know." Except maybe deep down, I do know, and there's some psychological block because what I want may not jive with the set of values I've grown up with, or that society finds allowable, or that match what I told myself I wanted when I was five years old, or twelve, or eighteen. And that's the sucky part because in the midst of all this thinking and rethinking, it feels like a moving target. What I want can change, and I've never really, really gravitated towards any one thing that would make me happy when it comes to work.
So here I am, still a question mark masquerading as an adult, wondering if figuring out what I want to be when I grow up has been the wrong approach to begin with since I have already been, and am in the process of being something already.
So here I am, still a question mark masquerading as an adult, wondering if figuring out what I want to be when I grow up has been the wrong approach to begin with since I have already been, and am in the process of being something already.