(Untitled)

[jademaverick]

I'm taking this to writer's guild tonight so I think it's safe to put this on here at the same time. I'm looking for opinions and critiques. It's only my second and third drafts. That's another thing. Which draft to people prefer? It's a work in progress.

Don't Tell Me I Look Like Her. (Title?)

You stopped holding me when I learned to walk.
I never

Comments

[mitad_del_mundo]

I meant to reply to this a while ago, and I know you've already taken it to Writers Guild, but here goes.

I like it! I think I like the second title better because it kind of foreshadows the repetition of words and phrases you use later on. I kind of like the "dark and silver hair" verse coming after the "I remember when he used to come over" verse; it makes the poem roll along a little more smoothly. Mostly because I can picture it better in my mind.

In the first verse, the use of the word "holding" twice kind of throws things off a little, I think. If you want to repeat it, you might want to make it a little obvious that it's an intentional repetition.

And, a smidge of a thing, in the "brick house" verse, if you wanted to, you could put a comma after "young" to separate the two independent clauses. But, it's poetry, so that kind of thing is completely up to you and your artistic license. ("Excuse me, do you have a license for that artistic ability, ma'am?")

But really, it's lovely and sharp, and I'm glad that your eyes are not stone and that there's a "that's what she said" in your heart.