no means no, even to a horde
i'm used to being alone. i'm good at it. i can entertain myself for very long periods of time. i can go months without hugs or any signs of physical affection. i can be alone. and sometimes i prefer it.
i don't care what people think of me, unless i care about them. if i enjoy spending time with you, i'd like to know that you enjoy it too. if i like you, i want you to like me back.
this is normal.
why do i feel so paranoid about it sometimes though?
like someone's keeping score and i could be written off at any moment?
i guess it just happens
i really really enjoy this group (well, except Nikki...we are all very cordial with Nikki, when she's home). I love all of those ridiculous people. I know their clothes, their expressions, their facial quirks, their lives...I worry sometimes about going back to Pitt and seeing one of them randomly on the street and being so distant. It'll be alright though, we'll see each other every now and then, go do things. And I haven't been any different with them than I am. I don't go clubbing (usually), I'm not a heavy drinker or even much of a drinker at all (though I kill people at fuck the dealer)...and I'm still fun to be around. Things will be different obviously back at school, but we'll still be friends.
I still need to push myself though, I need to do a lot more work than I've accomplished so far. But my advisor will be at work again soon, and I'll figure it out. I can do this.
I've done so much already, so many stupid little things don't scare me anymore. I will eat anything, sleep anywhere, and when nature calls gosh darn it I can go outside (even if I would really prefer some nice bushes or a hill to be behind). I can accept people to be whoever the hell they are and love them. I can love them and know when I don't need to be around them. I can be together. I can be apart. I can make friends when I don't really know the language. I can.
It's that first time that's hardest, when you haven't committed yourself yet. But once you're there, all you can do is give it your best. I walked to the museum today in a rainstorm. Two hours later I'm still damp. But I kept going and when people passed me on the street, those brave souls without umbrellas who didn't stop in shelter, we would smile at each other, laugh, and give each other a thumbs up. Attitude means so much.
I still get depressed. I still get afraid. I miss my family so much it hurts sometimes. But I'm doing this. I'm refusing to let my fears and worries get the better of me. I am seeing the world, one step at a time.
i don't care what people think of me, unless i care about them. if i enjoy spending time with you, i'd like to know that you enjoy it too. if i like you, i want you to like me back.
this is normal.
why do i feel so paranoid about it sometimes though?
like someone's keeping score and i could be written off at any moment?
i guess it just happens
i really really enjoy this group (well, except Nikki...we are all very cordial with Nikki, when she's home). I love all of those ridiculous people. I know their clothes, their expressions, their facial quirks, their lives...I worry sometimes about going back to Pitt and seeing one of them randomly on the street and being so distant. It'll be alright though, we'll see each other every now and then, go do things. And I haven't been any different with them than I am. I don't go clubbing (usually), I'm not a heavy drinker or even much of a drinker at all (though I kill people at fuck the dealer)...and I'm still fun to be around. Things will be different obviously back at school, but we'll still be friends.
I still need to push myself though, I need to do a lot more work than I've accomplished so far. But my advisor will be at work again soon, and I'll figure it out. I can do this.
I've done so much already, so many stupid little things don't scare me anymore. I will eat anything, sleep anywhere, and when nature calls gosh darn it I can go outside (even if I would really prefer some nice bushes or a hill to be behind). I can accept people to be whoever the hell they are and love them. I can love them and know when I don't need to be around them. I can be together. I can be apart. I can make friends when I don't really know the language. I can.
It's that first time that's hardest, when you haven't committed yourself yet. But once you're there, all you can do is give it your best. I walked to the museum today in a rainstorm. Two hours later I'm still damp. But I kept going and when people passed me on the street, those brave souls without umbrellas who didn't stop in shelter, we would smile at each other, laugh, and give each other a thumbs up. Attitude means so much.
I still get depressed. I still get afraid. I miss my family so much it hurts sometimes. But I'm doing this. I'm refusing to let my fears and worries get the better of me. I am seeing the world, one step at a time.