in which i digress from my digressions into obsessions
my foot fell asleep, i'd worry but my heart's been that way 3 years and counting and still seems fine...
The thing that makes me tired is the old game. Wind-up toy, illusion of serenity. I have to be fine if I don't know you. And with so many people, I have to be more than fine. So I get tired of it. So I avoid it. So it doesn't always get it better.
It takes awhile to grow accustomed to you, not even so much to trust but to get used to. It takes time for the little memories to tie us together, until the day comes when I wake up and don't remember what it was like to be without you. I should have known it wasn't ever really going to work the day you asked how I was and I didn't tell you the truth. Back then, I thought it was because I didn't want you to feel sorry for me. Now, I think I just knew on some level how it would be.
And maybe it comes down to that I'm too self-centered. Or too insecure. Or too afraid of getting hurt. Maybe I'm just a hypocrite. But it's funny, as much as I belittle myself, there's some level it never goes beneath. I still believe that people are essentially good. On some level, I still believe in myself. There are lines even on the worst days that just aren't crossed. I don't really know why they are there. But I suppose for that we should both be glad and leave it at that. And as far as excuses go, being afraid of emotional pain is a pretty good one. Caring is a sword that goes both ways. And I have too much else in my life to become unable to function, to need time to get over someone.
But let's pretend I can escape my own head.
Events:
J is living proof that a straight man is capable to choosing to go to a "chick flick", even knowing there is no possible way he is going to get any action out of it and he will probably not enjoy it.
Humphrey Bogart is romantic in a very odd way.
If you spend enough time analyzing gender in martial arts films and conceptions of sexuality, it makes you a little bitter. Take frequent breaks.
The 12th floor of the Cathedral has a kitchen. And it takes approximately ten minutes to walk down all twelve flights of stairs when you are thinking.
Cheerios are a very tasty midnight snack.
And the major event of the day:
Steve is quickly becoming one of my favorite people ever. Besides his odd obsession with Peking Opera and amusing concise explanations of world history, he has the hook-up. Must come from being 60+ and the president of the North American Mongolian Business Council. But anyways, he has taken it upon himself to notify the Fund for Arts and Culture of my research. So should everything go as planned, I now am the official representation of the Fund of Arts and Culture in Mongolia. My report will be published and has a real chance of enacting reform and debate. Needless to say, I am ECSTATIC. To work on something you care about, and then discover that you have a possibility of making a difference that will support that something you care about...it's pretty damn incredible.
The thing that makes me tired is the old game. Wind-up toy, illusion of serenity. I have to be fine if I don't know you. And with so many people, I have to be more than fine. So I get tired of it. So I avoid it. So it doesn't always get it better.
It takes awhile to grow accustomed to you, not even so much to trust but to get used to. It takes time for the little memories to tie us together, until the day comes when I wake up and don't remember what it was like to be without you. I should have known it wasn't ever really going to work the day you asked how I was and I didn't tell you the truth. Back then, I thought it was because I didn't want you to feel sorry for me. Now, I think I just knew on some level how it would be.
And maybe it comes down to that I'm too self-centered. Or too insecure. Or too afraid of getting hurt. Maybe I'm just a hypocrite. But it's funny, as much as I belittle myself, there's some level it never goes beneath. I still believe that people are essentially good. On some level, I still believe in myself. There are lines even on the worst days that just aren't crossed. I don't really know why they are there. But I suppose for that we should both be glad and leave it at that. And as far as excuses go, being afraid of emotional pain is a pretty good one. Caring is a sword that goes both ways. And I have too much else in my life to become unable to function, to need time to get over someone.
But let's pretend I can escape my own head.
Events:
J is living proof that a straight man is capable to choosing to go to a "chick flick", even knowing there is no possible way he is going to get any action out of it and he will probably not enjoy it.
Humphrey Bogart is romantic in a very odd way.
If you spend enough time analyzing gender in martial arts films and conceptions of sexuality, it makes you a little bitter. Take frequent breaks.
The 12th floor of the Cathedral has a kitchen. And it takes approximately ten minutes to walk down all twelve flights of stairs when you are thinking.
Cheerios are a very tasty midnight snack.
And the major event of the day:
Steve is quickly becoming one of my favorite people ever. Besides his odd obsession with Peking Opera and amusing concise explanations of world history, he has the hook-up. Must come from being 60+ and the president of the North American Mongolian Business Council. But anyways, he has taken it upon himself to notify the Fund for Arts and Culture of my research. So should everything go as planned, I now am the official representation of the Fund of Arts and Culture in Mongolia. My report will be published and has a real chance of enacting reform and debate. Needless to say, I am ECSTATIC. To work on something you care about, and then discover that you have a possibility of making a difference that will support that something you care about...it's pretty damn incredible.