Dilbert ficlet spoofs
Written: 9/20/2003
Series: X1999
Anyone who's read Dilbert might be able to tell who's replaced whom.
Yuuto glanced around the room, mentally marking off the people as his eyes passed over them. Satsuki sat off to his side, a laptop in front of her on the table. Kusanagi sat next her looking more than a little uncomfortable. Sakurazuka leaned against the wall a couple feet away, Nataku was sitting beside Monou who was sitting on the other side of him. Kakyou wasn't in the room, but then he didn't exactly expect to see the engineer here. He smiled quietly, his work in getting everyone here for the meeting done and sat down in the chair beside Satsuki.
Moments later Kanoe entered and looked at the gathered execs briefly before beginning to speak, tapping a couple folders that were in her hands against the table once to gain everyone's attention before laying them down. "I'm happy to announce that we're being acquired by a foreign company." she began.
"Don't worry that they'll dominate us. This will be a merger of equals. Except that they make money and we don't and their CEO will lead the combined company and every one of them is a giant and they've developed their latent psychic abilities so that they can cause pain from a distance." Moments after the last sentence passed from her lips she winced and put a hand to her head, giving a small cry of pain. "I'm sorry I said to much! You are my master!!" she cried.
Yuuto blinked twice and glanced over at the man next to him, meeting Monou's amber eyes with his own. "...Are you worried?" he asked giving Kanoe a sideways glance.
Fuuma shrugged once and smirked. "Nah. If they read my mind, they'll all go blind."
II:
Kanoe looked around the room from her seat between Fuuma and Yuuto, giving everyone there a look that was supposed to be meaningful. "We need a clear strategy. Does anyone have a suggestion?"
After a moment, Yuuto spoke up quietly. "Let's figure out what makes us the most profit and then do more of it."
Kanoe glanced at him and considered the statement before shaking her head and giving a small sigh. "It needs to be less clear than that."
Fuuma raised an eyebrow slightly as he glanced over at both of them. "Can it be illegal?"
III:
Seishirou leaned against Kanoe's desk silently for a moment, studying the horrid piece of art behind her head on the wall as he spoke in a matter-of-fact tone. "Your best defense is to say you were ignorant of your company's stock manipulation." He paused and glanced down at her with his remaining good eye, absently wondering if ignorance was a perquisite for the management position. Lighting a cigarette, he continued. "We need to convince a judge that you're dumber than chocolate pants at an outdoor Las Vegas photography convention."
Kanoe blinked and frowned up at him. "I don't get that."
Seishirou arched an ebony eyebrow faintly before smirking around his cigarette. "Excellent."
Later…
Seishirou stood in front of the jury of Seals and smirked briefly at the Sumeragi before speaking. "I will prove that my client is too dumb to embezzle." He began, gesturing almost absently back at Kanoe. "..or failing in that, I'll prove that you're too dumb to know she did it."
"Sakurazuka-san..."
He turned around, giving the judge a contemptuous look. "Don't get me started about you." He said coolly.
After Seishirou returned to his seat, Sorata stood up and spoke, glancing very briefly towards Kanoe before looking at the judge. "We find the Defendant guilty and we sentence her to death." He said, ignoring the tugging on his t-shirt that the young man beside him was doing.
Kamui gave up trying to get the other Seal to sit down without embarrassing himself and just spoke up from his seat. "Umm.. Sorata.. we haven't deliberated. We haven't even heard any evidence yet." Sorata sat down, giving the court a sheepish smile.
A little later on..
Seishirou sighed as he leaned forwards in his seat, looking at the judge, ignoring Kanoe beside him. "Your Honor, is it too late to change sides? After hearing the evidence, I want to punish my client." He watched the judge glower at him and shake his head. "No?" He sighed and leaned back into his seat, ignoring the dirty look he was getting from Kanoe. "I expect some awkward silences during the next break." He mused quietly as he pointedly ignored the no-smoking signs around the courtroom and lit up one of his cigarettes.
The next day:
The judge looked down at Kanoe, standing just in front of his bench. "The court finds you guilty of defrauding stockholders." He began, ignoring her stricken expression. "You will serve your time in a place so horrible that it has no name." He then gestured for the guard to take her away.
The guard took her into the jail to place her in one of their orange jumpsuits before leaving the jail with her in tow behind him, driving to the Chi no Ryu Inc. building and walking her inside to the small cubicle office on the second floor. "Here's your roomie." He said as he took the cuffs off of her and turned to leave.
Amber eyes glanced back towards Kanoe, who was just staring startled at the teen in front of the computer. Turning his attention back to his computer, he continued writing the hentai note to Kamui he had started earlier.
Kanoe glared at the back of Fuuma's head and crossed her arms over her chest, or rather attempted too, after several moments of failure, she gave up. "I've got to find a way to bust out of this joint." She growled, not at all happy at her current modest state of dress, or the color of the jumpsuit.
Fuuma rolled his eyes and sent the dirty note to Kamui, he wished he could see the teen's expression when he opened and read it. "Try walking backward." He began surfing the internet aimlessly, wondering what else he was going to do for the remaining 5 hours of his work day that wasn't work related.
A couple moments later he heard a huffy voice speak up from behind him off to the side of his spartan office. "Well, that didn't work..." there was a pause and the voice growled. "Oh I get it: This is a little joke you play on all the fresh meat." He sighed and shook his head, leaning back in his seat and pulling out a manga to begin reading, ignoring Kanoe where she stood now in the corner of his office.
Two days later..
Kanoe walked back into her outer office, glancing over at Satsuki as she passed her at her desk. "What happened while I was in jail?" she asked, pausing just in front of the door to her real office.
Satsuki gave her a bored glance, before looking back at the monitor in front of her. "Morale skyrocketed, profits soared, and for the first time, life had meaning."
Kanoe blinked and then continued into the office, sitting down at her desk. 'It's just my luck I'd miss those two days' she thought as she pulled out a file to work on her nails.
Series: X1999
Anyone who's read Dilbert might be able to tell who's replaced whom.
Yuuto glanced around the room, mentally marking off the people as his eyes passed over them. Satsuki sat off to his side, a laptop in front of her on the table. Kusanagi sat next her looking more than a little uncomfortable. Sakurazuka leaned against the wall a couple feet away, Nataku was sitting beside Monou who was sitting on the other side of him. Kakyou wasn't in the room, but then he didn't exactly expect to see the engineer here. He smiled quietly, his work in getting everyone here for the meeting done and sat down in the chair beside Satsuki.
Moments later Kanoe entered and looked at the gathered execs briefly before beginning to speak, tapping a couple folders that were in her hands against the table once to gain everyone's attention before laying them down. "I'm happy to announce that we're being acquired by a foreign company." she began.
"Don't worry that they'll dominate us. This will be a merger of equals. Except that they make money and we don't and their CEO will lead the combined company and every one of them is a giant and they've developed their latent psychic abilities so that they can cause pain from a distance." Moments after the last sentence passed from her lips she winced and put a hand to her head, giving a small cry of pain. "I'm sorry I said to much! You are my master!!" she cried.
Yuuto blinked twice and glanced over at the man next to him, meeting Monou's amber eyes with his own. "...Are you worried?" he asked giving Kanoe a sideways glance.
Fuuma shrugged once and smirked. "Nah. If they read my mind, they'll all go blind."
II:
Kanoe looked around the room from her seat between Fuuma and Yuuto, giving everyone there a look that was supposed to be meaningful. "We need a clear strategy. Does anyone have a suggestion?"
After a moment, Yuuto spoke up quietly. "Let's figure out what makes us the most profit and then do more of it."
Kanoe glanced at him and considered the statement before shaking her head and giving a small sigh. "It needs to be less clear than that."
Fuuma raised an eyebrow slightly as he glanced over at both of them. "Can it be illegal?"
III:
Seishirou leaned against Kanoe's desk silently for a moment, studying the horrid piece of art behind her head on the wall as he spoke in a matter-of-fact tone. "Your best defense is to say you were ignorant of your company's stock manipulation." He paused and glanced down at her with his remaining good eye, absently wondering if ignorance was a perquisite for the management position. Lighting a cigarette, he continued. "We need to convince a judge that you're dumber than chocolate pants at an outdoor Las Vegas photography convention."
Kanoe blinked and frowned up at him. "I don't get that."
Seishirou arched an ebony eyebrow faintly before smirking around his cigarette. "Excellent."
Later…
Seishirou stood in front of the jury of Seals and smirked briefly at the Sumeragi before speaking. "I will prove that my client is too dumb to embezzle." He began, gesturing almost absently back at Kanoe. "..or failing in that, I'll prove that you're too dumb to know she did it."
"Sakurazuka-san..."
He turned around, giving the judge a contemptuous look. "Don't get me started about you." He said coolly.
After Seishirou returned to his seat, Sorata stood up and spoke, glancing very briefly towards Kanoe before looking at the judge. "We find the Defendant guilty and we sentence her to death." He said, ignoring the tugging on his t-shirt that the young man beside him was doing.
Kamui gave up trying to get the other Seal to sit down without embarrassing himself and just spoke up from his seat. "Umm.. Sorata.. we haven't deliberated. We haven't even heard any evidence yet." Sorata sat down, giving the court a sheepish smile.
A little later on..
Seishirou sighed as he leaned forwards in his seat, looking at the judge, ignoring Kanoe beside him. "Your Honor, is it too late to change sides? After hearing the evidence, I want to punish my client." He watched the judge glower at him and shake his head. "No?" He sighed and leaned back into his seat, ignoring the dirty look he was getting from Kanoe. "I expect some awkward silences during the next break." He mused quietly as he pointedly ignored the no-smoking signs around the courtroom and lit up one of his cigarettes.
The next day:
The judge looked down at Kanoe, standing just in front of his bench. "The court finds you guilty of defrauding stockholders." He began, ignoring her stricken expression. "You will serve your time in a place so horrible that it has no name." He then gestured for the guard to take her away.
The guard took her into the jail to place her in one of their orange jumpsuits before leaving the jail with her in tow behind him, driving to the Chi no Ryu Inc. building and walking her inside to the small cubicle office on the second floor. "Here's your roomie." He said as he took the cuffs off of her and turned to leave.
Amber eyes glanced back towards Kanoe, who was just staring startled at the teen in front of the computer. Turning his attention back to his computer, he continued writing the hentai note to Kamui he had started earlier.
Kanoe glared at the back of Fuuma's head and crossed her arms over her chest, or rather attempted too, after several moments of failure, she gave up. "I've got to find a way to bust out of this joint." She growled, not at all happy at her current modest state of dress, or the color of the jumpsuit.
Fuuma rolled his eyes and sent the dirty note to Kamui, he wished he could see the teen's expression when he opened and read it. "Try walking backward." He began surfing the internet aimlessly, wondering what else he was going to do for the remaining 5 hours of his work day that wasn't work related.
A couple moments later he heard a huffy voice speak up from behind him off to the side of his spartan office. "Well, that didn't work..." there was a pause and the voice growled. "Oh I get it: This is a little joke you play on all the fresh meat." He sighed and shook his head, leaning back in his seat and pulling out a manga to begin reading, ignoring Kanoe where she stood now in the corner of his office.
Two days later..
Kanoe walked back into her outer office, glancing over at Satsuki as she passed her at her desk. "What happened while I was in jail?" she asked, pausing just in front of the door to her real office.
Satsuki gave her a bored glance, before looking back at the monitor in front of her. "Morale skyrocketed, profits soared, and for the first time, life had meaning."
Kanoe blinked and then continued into the office, sitting down at her desk. 'It's just my luck I'd miss those two days' she thought as she pulled out a file to work on her nails.