I cried today...
... the first time I've cried in months. About six or seven to exact. Wow... you always forget how much heartbreak hurts until it happens again. Why do I have to want to be with him so much? Why can't I just look at him and feel nothing? How come I hate him and still want to love him so much, even when I see him all over her. Yeah... I saw that. And he says he was just messing around. My fat white ass he was just playing. And then she gave him a massage... he had to gall to give me one tonight. Over at Greg's house. We'd only gone with Kevin to get his amp, and we were only supposed to be there for a few moments, but we stayed for an hour. Leave Tyler alone in a room with me and suddenly he wants to rub my shoulders. Far be it from my stupid self to deny him. It makes me so happy when he touchs me.
I'm such an idiot.
Maybe he's just confused? God, I hope so. Because he just seems so eager to mess with me the way he messes with her... just not when she's around. It's almost like he doesn't want anyone outside of Greg and Amber to know that he likes me like that. Even Danny had trouble believing it. I mean, yeah, at school we hang out. But we don't fool around the way we do at his house or mine. Greg or Kevin could tell you that. So why am I getting so attatched? What have I done to deserve this? I'm sitting here, and I feel like I'm just not good enough, it seems. But yet, I can still tendrils of hope that he'll pick me.
Do I have 'lead me on!' tattooed to my forehead or something?
I told myself today before he came over that I wasn't going to lie to myself anymore, and that I should just expect the expected... he'd rather be with Ashley. I don't know why... but it just seems that way. And then, suddenly he's just standing in front of me and all that I'd promised myself went whoosh down the drain. I don't want to love, but I do. If I can't love, all I have left is a hint of amusement and mostly sombriety. It's not good when you're all numb inside, not good at all. But I let myself feel bad today, I wanted to cry. And not just about Tyler. There are only so many other things to want to cry about. Either I cried then or I had a complete meltdown somewhere else down the line a little later on. I think a few tears aren't the worst thing in the world. Maybe I just don't want to be happy. I haven't had that feeling since... since... not even when I went out with Derek. Maybe the happiest I've ever been was just the fact that I was able to get away from Illinois.
After that, I went back to 0.
Happiness isn't everything. But I sure as hell wish it was.
I'm such an idiot.
Maybe he's just confused? God, I hope so. Because he just seems so eager to mess with me the way he messes with her... just not when she's around. It's almost like he doesn't want anyone outside of Greg and Amber to know that he likes me like that. Even Danny had trouble believing it. I mean, yeah, at school we hang out. But we don't fool around the way we do at his house or mine. Greg or Kevin could tell you that. So why am I getting so attatched? What have I done to deserve this? I'm sitting here, and I feel like I'm just not good enough, it seems. But yet, I can still tendrils of hope that he'll pick me.
Do I have 'lead me on!' tattooed to my forehead or something?
I told myself today before he came over that I wasn't going to lie to myself anymore, and that I should just expect the expected... he'd rather be with Ashley. I don't know why... but it just seems that way. And then, suddenly he's just standing in front of me and all that I'd promised myself went whoosh down the drain. I don't want to love, but I do. If I can't love, all I have left is a hint of amusement and mostly sombriety. It's not good when you're all numb inside, not good at all. But I let myself feel bad today, I wanted to cry. And not just about Tyler. There are only so many other things to want to cry about. Either I cried then or I had a complete meltdown somewhere else down the line a little later on. I think a few tears aren't the worst thing in the world. Maybe I just don't want to be happy. I haven't had that feeling since... since... not even when I went out with Derek. Maybe the happiest I've ever been was just the fact that I was able to get away from Illinois.
After that, I went back to 0.
Happiness isn't everything. But I sure as hell wish it was.