I pay for this I might as well use it
I've decided to start using this thing. I pay for it, I might as well use it. If it becomes a problem I can delete it. I need a mind dump. It's about damn time. It's been a year since me and Josh have been over.
I need to do something other than work and hide.
It seems like I've been hiding forever. I feel like no one really knows me, except for the excessively cheery mask I wear all the time in public now. I feel like there are two of me at all times; the private quiet person that hides at home like a hermit all the time, and this manic, crazy that doesn't know when to stop talking in public.
I never really felt like I learned how to socialize when growing up. I've always, always felt seperated, and then I was, and then when I finally got included in high school the reactions were always a cheery squeaky mask because that's what I thought people wanted.
I guess I feel disconnected, I've always felt that way. It's hard for me to get close to people, I'm afraid of getting hurt. In part because every time I've reached out I've gotten hurt.
I guess that's the crux of things with me trying to reach out. Although I think it might be too late, I'm pretty sure my socialization skills are all screwed up. My genuine reactions confuse people, but I'm sick of being alone. So here I am sitting here alone in my two bedroom apartment whining about being lonely, confused, and disconnected; in the hope that getting it all out will change something, help me to reach for something more, because god how I want it, need it, even crave it sometimes.
Jade
I need to do something other than work and hide.
It seems like I've been hiding forever. I feel like no one really knows me, except for the excessively cheery mask I wear all the time in public now. I feel like there are two of me at all times; the private quiet person that hides at home like a hermit all the time, and this manic, crazy that doesn't know when to stop talking in public.
I never really felt like I learned how to socialize when growing up. I've always, always felt seperated, and then I was, and then when I finally got included in high school the reactions were always a cheery squeaky mask because that's what I thought people wanted.
I guess I feel disconnected, I've always felt that way. It's hard for me to get close to people, I'm afraid of getting hurt. In part because every time I've reached out I've gotten hurt.
I guess that's the crux of things with me trying to reach out. Although I think it might be too late, I'm pretty sure my socialization skills are all screwed up. My genuine reactions confuse people, but I'm sick of being alone. So here I am sitting here alone in my two bedroom apartment whining about being lonely, confused, and disconnected; in the hope that getting it all out will change something, help me to reach for something more, because god how I want it, need it, even crave it sometimes.
Jade