darkness
i just started to have a panic attack. i know this because i've read about panic attacks and knew what accompanied them. This being hyperventilating, and increasing fast heart beat. i almost lost it. as to what caused this it has to do with my roommate situation, my bad habits and his personality. so anyway. bad news. and i lost it because of it. i started hyperventilating, and my heart feltlike it was going to rip through my chest. I had a stressful day at work and all day i'm expected to know answers to questions to things i've never been told. there is way too much de ja vu in life. i just wish to escape. so that is the prelude to this account of my thoughts and responses.
the darkness
when i realized the pounding through my chest was loud and fast, and i began a series of short breaths, shorter and shorter breaths and suddenly i was hyperventilating i realized i was panicking. my mother from what i have heard has had them, although i never knew about them. she was also depressed and i never knew it was depression either. so i started to think through the people in my life, and who i could possibly talk to. i realized that if i didnt, i was going to lose it. i was losing it. when you see patterns on top of patterns and your eyes start to blur with tears of the things you want and the things you are starting to wonder if you will ever have a chance at having and even then if i have a chance at escaping the daily plight of trauma ironically holding my one desire and laughing in my face. i realize this is the devil, and that everyone's concept of all this shit is fucked. is it getting better? is it getting worse? when i think, that i should get help. but i know what help requires, and half of it i have not the means to choose, and the other is the devil in a little bottle of pills. and i say fuck that but thats when i start to get confused because i'm still not getting any better and no way to see out of these moments of darkness. i say moments of darkness. a few hours ago i had closed off in my mind the stress of the burdens in my life, and was joyful and happy, and as i came home to think about everything it came so strong and sudden i knew not what to do. and going back to my previous thoughts of who i could talk to. you see i cant even follow my own thoughts. not at times like this. so i thought. my father. no. my mother. never. my best friends. one of them would be out and i knew i couldnt reach. the other i knew would have too much practicality for the compassion i needed at the moment. my sisters. yes. but i just talked to one and she was going out, and i knew the other would be spending time with her husband, and i guess i just felt like interuppting her was no use because she's always so busy. and i thought more. friend in colorado, no, he had a more brutal practicality that would probably end in me wanting to see the light no more. i comtemplated a few peopel online that i have talked to, but i knew what would come from their mouths. a kind of insincere in that you're just saying it to make me feel better, and i just dont need that right now. and finally i thought of nj boy who was the only person that just might pick up his phone. because he had always told me, if i ever really needed to talk. i could call. which i guess you could say as far as trust goes, he has more of it than any of the others. which is why i might just make it through this series of heavy heartbeats and fast suffocating breathing that was about to overtake me. it was a good thing for me. he reassured me in a way he knew would help, even though he might have not known it, and made me laugh. he was out with a friend, and is calling me later. coming from a guy that i've never met. that lives 1500 miles away. after this i decided as fragile as i felt that i needed somethign else reassuring. a bath. with candles. and slowdive which is entirely a soulseeking thing. there's so much to write.
i thought for a moment i was going to stop. but i think i'll continue. because something will linger in my mind and on my tongue until i give it up. when i was in the bathtub it was soothing and i could feel the water around me, and it was calming, you know, like the womb before you had to enter the world and experience of trauma of living. that's kind of what it felt like to me. and i tried to close my eyes. i tried to lay in the still water that was warm and safe and close my eyes and be ok. but i couldnt do it. i was too scared. i was too scared to close my eyes. closing my eyes and lying naked under the water in the water so soothing around me, was terrifying. go ahead. ask me what i was scared of. i was scared of being intruded upon and found lying naked with music too loud, crying too loud, offending someone with the fact that i was only trying to calm my nerves enough so i wouldnt start to find the ritual of cutting appealing. i was scared of being attacked. yes physically attacked, someone violently ripping me out of the water at the moment i had relaxed and fallen into the darkness of the tranquil waters. to be that trusting that someone wasn't going to pull me out of the water and rape me. why you say would they do such a thing. they couldnt just let me be so still and peaceful among the dark waters with candles by my side. i knew that if i tried to stay there in the water with my eyes closed i was going to go back into hyperventilation, and that just didnt sound like a good idea. After that i decided it was time to write, because of the strange revelation that had appeared to me, back to the irrational impulses that were guiding my life. i say impulses because they weren't thoughts. thoughts aren't quick enough to induce the kind of fear that comes with watching a scary movie that really does scare you.
i wonder. i wonder if i watching a scary movie could retramatize a person already traumatized? i was enjoying the movie i watched last night, i think because it did an excellent job of pinpointing the exact irrational impulse of fear that i felt jolting through my body at different moments. it did such an excellent job, i jumped 6 times. to which my date seemed to notice that i was a bit more easily startled than what was normal. which i found delightfully interesting. as i talked about the things that scared me as a child and how scared i really was. of course every child thinks every other child is this scared too. i have to say, the girl in hide and seek had it worse. much much worse. and so after watching this, because you are in fight or flight mode, all of your senses are at the height. which for me is just defined. i'm noticing not just my surroundings but the microscopic details of everything around me. while i was in his bathroom i noticed how clean everything looked, and the beautiful shade of the candle floating, i guess it just seemed like it was floating among the monochrome colored scented bark. i enjoy when everything is heightened, because i feel alive. i've momentarily escaped my self conciousness, although maybe not at a price that's worth paying. and there is even so much more.
ok this part i dont want to talk about. because its disgusting. its not pretty or appealing or in any way shape or form "acceptable" you know. the dirt. ok i've talked about my dishes. and maybe this one journal i'll keep as private. keep hidden from the world. i'm not sure if i'm enough of a suicidegirl to share it yet. if i'm ever a suicidegirl i'll have to put, i decided on this because "that's what i am." at least they're trying to find the answers. so anyway i'm a mess. i seem to at least partially or fully destroy most things i handle or try to care for. i almost thought that i had a change of luck when my orchid had lived for a month. its dying now. i neglect things. things i should take care of. myself. decisions. when i have sex with a boy and dont use a condom. i neglect my work by attempting to selfishly find things for me in times that i should be doing other things. i dont change the litter box for my cat when i should, and let it sit until i finally know that my poor kitty just wants to go to the bathroom. my trash i absentmindedly keep forgetting to take out for trash day, which i really do believe that i am honestly forgetting. along with.. things that if i think of them right now, might bring me back to where i was earlier. tommorow always seems to be the better option. when i try to think about them. because i havent thought about them for so long, i have to try to catch up for all of them all at the same time. and i shut down. or i panic. or i self destruct. or all of the above. and then i crawl into bed, and tell myeslf that after a long days work, that i'm tried and i want to go to sleep. sleeping is the best lie a person can tell. because even though you dont escape(because you're still haunted in dreams) at least you're someplace different for awhile.
the darkness
when i realized the pounding through my chest was loud and fast, and i began a series of short breaths, shorter and shorter breaths and suddenly i was hyperventilating i realized i was panicking. my mother from what i have heard has had them, although i never knew about them. she was also depressed and i never knew it was depression either. so i started to think through the people in my life, and who i could possibly talk to. i realized that if i didnt, i was going to lose it. i was losing it. when you see patterns on top of patterns and your eyes start to blur with tears of the things you want and the things you are starting to wonder if you will ever have a chance at having and even then if i have a chance at escaping the daily plight of trauma ironically holding my one desire and laughing in my face. i realize this is the devil, and that everyone's concept of all this shit is fucked. is it getting better? is it getting worse? when i think, that i should get help. but i know what help requires, and half of it i have not the means to choose, and the other is the devil in a little bottle of pills. and i say fuck that but thats when i start to get confused because i'm still not getting any better and no way to see out of these moments of darkness. i say moments of darkness. a few hours ago i had closed off in my mind the stress of the burdens in my life, and was joyful and happy, and as i came home to think about everything it came so strong and sudden i knew not what to do. and going back to my previous thoughts of who i could talk to. you see i cant even follow my own thoughts. not at times like this. so i thought. my father. no. my mother. never. my best friends. one of them would be out and i knew i couldnt reach. the other i knew would have too much practicality for the compassion i needed at the moment. my sisters. yes. but i just talked to one and she was going out, and i knew the other would be spending time with her husband, and i guess i just felt like interuppting her was no use because she's always so busy. and i thought more. friend in colorado, no, he had a more brutal practicality that would probably end in me wanting to see the light no more. i comtemplated a few peopel online that i have talked to, but i knew what would come from their mouths. a kind of insincere in that you're just saying it to make me feel better, and i just dont need that right now. and finally i thought of nj boy who was the only person that just might pick up his phone. because he had always told me, if i ever really needed to talk. i could call. which i guess you could say as far as trust goes, he has more of it than any of the others. which is why i might just make it through this series of heavy heartbeats and fast suffocating breathing that was about to overtake me. it was a good thing for me. he reassured me in a way he knew would help, even though he might have not known it, and made me laugh. he was out with a friend, and is calling me later. coming from a guy that i've never met. that lives 1500 miles away. after this i decided as fragile as i felt that i needed somethign else reassuring. a bath. with candles. and slowdive which is entirely a soulseeking thing. there's so much to write.
i thought for a moment i was going to stop. but i think i'll continue. because something will linger in my mind and on my tongue until i give it up. when i was in the bathtub it was soothing and i could feel the water around me, and it was calming, you know, like the womb before you had to enter the world and experience of trauma of living. that's kind of what it felt like to me. and i tried to close my eyes. i tried to lay in the still water that was warm and safe and close my eyes and be ok. but i couldnt do it. i was too scared. i was too scared to close my eyes. closing my eyes and lying naked under the water in the water so soothing around me, was terrifying. go ahead. ask me what i was scared of. i was scared of being intruded upon and found lying naked with music too loud, crying too loud, offending someone with the fact that i was only trying to calm my nerves enough so i wouldnt start to find the ritual of cutting appealing. i was scared of being attacked. yes physically attacked, someone violently ripping me out of the water at the moment i had relaxed and fallen into the darkness of the tranquil waters. to be that trusting that someone wasn't going to pull me out of the water and rape me. why you say would they do such a thing. they couldnt just let me be so still and peaceful among the dark waters with candles by my side. i knew that if i tried to stay there in the water with my eyes closed i was going to go back into hyperventilation, and that just didnt sound like a good idea. After that i decided it was time to write, because of the strange revelation that had appeared to me, back to the irrational impulses that were guiding my life. i say impulses because they weren't thoughts. thoughts aren't quick enough to induce the kind of fear that comes with watching a scary movie that really does scare you.
i wonder. i wonder if i watching a scary movie could retramatize a person already traumatized? i was enjoying the movie i watched last night, i think because it did an excellent job of pinpointing the exact irrational impulse of fear that i felt jolting through my body at different moments. it did such an excellent job, i jumped 6 times. to which my date seemed to notice that i was a bit more easily startled than what was normal. which i found delightfully interesting. as i talked about the things that scared me as a child and how scared i really was. of course every child thinks every other child is this scared too. i have to say, the girl in hide and seek had it worse. much much worse. and so after watching this, because you are in fight or flight mode, all of your senses are at the height. which for me is just defined. i'm noticing not just my surroundings but the microscopic details of everything around me. while i was in his bathroom i noticed how clean everything looked, and the beautiful shade of the candle floating, i guess it just seemed like it was floating among the monochrome colored scented bark. i enjoy when everything is heightened, because i feel alive. i've momentarily escaped my self conciousness, although maybe not at a price that's worth paying. and there is even so much more.
ok this part i dont want to talk about. because its disgusting. its not pretty or appealing or in any way shape or form "acceptable" you know. the dirt. ok i've talked about my dishes. and maybe this one journal i'll keep as private. keep hidden from the world. i'm not sure if i'm enough of a suicidegirl to share it yet. if i'm ever a suicidegirl i'll have to put, i decided on this because "that's what i am." at least they're trying to find the answers. so anyway i'm a mess. i seem to at least partially or fully destroy most things i handle or try to care for. i almost thought that i had a change of luck when my orchid had lived for a month. its dying now. i neglect things. things i should take care of. myself. decisions. when i have sex with a boy and dont use a condom. i neglect my work by attempting to selfishly find things for me in times that i should be doing other things. i dont change the litter box for my cat when i should, and let it sit until i finally know that my poor kitty just wants to go to the bathroom. my trash i absentmindedly keep forgetting to take out for trash day, which i really do believe that i am honestly forgetting. along with.. things that if i think of them right now, might bring me back to where i was earlier. tommorow always seems to be the better option. when i try to think about them. because i havent thought about them for so long, i have to try to catch up for all of them all at the same time. and i shut down. or i panic. or i self destruct. or all of the above. and then i crawl into bed, and tell myeslf that after a long days work, that i'm tried and i want to go to sleep. sleeping is the best lie a person can tell. because even though you dont escape(because you're still haunted in dreams) at least you're someplace different for awhile.