thinking
I've been pondering things today. Not having to work--though I still keep snapping awake in a panic that I have to be somewhere--I have some time to just sit still for once and think.
I was thinking about the short girl who walked out of the store. She has a lot of the same health problems as me (and bad feet like me--she did gymnastics, I did ballet). She has bad asthma, and she worried all the time that she would get an attack. Just thinking about it and she'd break out in a visible sweat and start panting rapidly and shaking, and I'd be like, "Calm down, calm down, you're gonna give yourself an attack for real doing that."
Anyway, the last few times I had to go to the ER with a severe asthma attack, the doctors/respiratory specialists always commented on how calm I was. Actually, my regular allergists do too. I always assumed they were making small talk or not taking my situation seriously. "I can't believe how calm you are. That's good that you aren't panicking even as bad as you are."
What good would that do? That would only finish me off for sure. Freaking out would be stupid. --that's my usual response.
Another survival mechanism I've learned is how to consciously relax my bronchial muscles. They swell shut most of time, but if restriction is all I'm dealing with, I can make them relax. Some of my nicer co-workers have been freaked out to see me get rather blue, my lips and fingernails especially get blue when my oxygen levels get low, and a few minutes seem perfectly fine like nothing even happened. Discipline, I'll say.
I was diagnosed with asthma in the fifth grade, and hating the medicine and treatments passionately, I started trying to find a way to force mind over matter and try to consciously control my problem. It wasn't till a year later that I was told that some people were actually able to do so, and knowing it was actually possible, I redoubled my efforts and learned how to put myself into a state of mind where controlling my spasming smooth muscle tissue became possible.
So this woman at work also told me that when she'd start to get an attack she always panics and hyperventilates till she passes out. "Like when you were a kid?" I asked innocently. No, now as an adult. I didn't think that was possible, but just seeing her reactions when she even mentioned asthma.... I was flabbergasted really. This did not sync with my mental stereotype of how adults should be and act.
I mentioned this to my specialist. He commented that many people, adults, get panicky when they cannot breathe and make things tons worse. I said, "But that's ridiculous! Getting all upset only makes it worse. It's illogical. If you calm down and force yourself to relax, you can stop it, or at least not make things worse." He looked at me like I was weird. He said something about it being instinctual to get alarmed when you cannot breathe well.
Then I really get a jolt. I find out that the woman at work has several devices at home to help her to learn to control her respiratory muscles, ones that somehow read her and tell her if the muscles are constricting or relaxing. And she went to classes! Classes! I didn't get any classes! What the heck! I must have been going to some backwater outdated allergist all those years.
And classes?! They have breathing control classes?!!
I went to my allergist and told him my fellow sufferer has all these fancy machines and classes and stuff. My allergist says, "Well, they don't help that much. Most people can't learn it. And you don't need them, you already can relax your muscles consciously."
I pouted for bit while I thought this over. I guess I saved myself several thousand dollars learning mental discipline as a child. Well, discipline in one aspect of my life anyway :P I also think the naive childhood idea of adulthood that was drilled into me is a complete myth.
Oh yes, this year is supposed to be the worst in twelve years for allergy sufferers. Stock up on decongestants now :( Prepare for misery. (In my case, it is already here.)
*walks off singing NIN's "Discipline"*
I was thinking about the short girl who walked out of the store. She has a lot of the same health problems as me (and bad feet like me--she did gymnastics, I did ballet). She has bad asthma, and she worried all the time that she would get an attack. Just thinking about it and she'd break out in a visible sweat and start panting rapidly and shaking, and I'd be like, "Calm down, calm down, you're gonna give yourself an attack for real doing that."
Anyway, the last few times I had to go to the ER with a severe asthma attack, the doctors/respiratory specialists always commented on how calm I was. Actually, my regular allergists do too. I always assumed they were making small talk or not taking my situation seriously. "I can't believe how calm you are. That's good that you aren't panicking even as bad as you are."
What good would that do? That would only finish me off for sure. Freaking out would be stupid. --that's my usual response.
Another survival mechanism I've learned is how to consciously relax my bronchial muscles. They swell shut most of time, but if restriction is all I'm dealing with, I can make them relax. Some of my nicer co-workers have been freaked out to see me get rather blue, my lips and fingernails especially get blue when my oxygen levels get low, and a few minutes seem perfectly fine like nothing even happened. Discipline, I'll say.
I was diagnosed with asthma in the fifth grade, and hating the medicine and treatments passionately, I started trying to find a way to force mind over matter and try to consciously control my problem. It wasn't till a year later that I was told that some people were actually able to do so, and knowing it was actually possible, I redoubled my efforts and learned how to put myself into a state of mind where controlling my spasming smooth muscle tissue became possible.
So this woman at work also told me that when she'd start to get an attack she always panics and hyperventilates till she passes out. "Like when you were a kid?" I asked innocently. No, now as an adult. I didn't think that was possible, but just seeing her reactions when she even mentioned asthma.... I was flabbergasted really. This did not sync with my mental stereotype of how adults should be and act.
I mentioned this to my specialist. He commented that many people, adults, get panicky when they cannot breathe and make things tons worse. I said, "But that's ridiculous! Getting all upset only makes it worse. It's illogical. If you calm down and force yourself to relax, you can stop it, or at least not make things worse." He looked at me like I was weird. He said something about it being instinctual to get alarmed when you cannot breathe well.
Then I really get a jolt. I find out that the woman at work has several devices at home to help her to learn to control her respiratory muscles, ones that somehow read her and tell her if the muscles are constricting or relaxing. And she went to classes! Classes! I didn't get any classes! What the heck! I must have been going to some backwater outdated allergist all those years.
And classes?! They have breathing control classes?!!
I went to my allergist and told him my fellow sufferer has all these fancy machines and classes and stuff. My allergist says, "Well, they don't help that much. Most people can't learn it. And you don't need them, you already can relax your muscles consciously."
I pouted for bit while I thought this over. I guess I saved myself several thousand dollars learning mental discipline as a child. Well, discipline in one aspect of my life anyway :P I also think the naive childhood idea of adulthood that was drilled into me is a complete myth.
Oh yes, this year is supposed to be the worst in twelve years for allergy sufferers. Stock up on decongestants now :( Prepare for misery. (In my case, it is already here.)
*walks off singing NIN's "Discipline"*