Wow
Its been so long since I've been on here I'd even forgotten that I had a live journal. A lot of my posts in the past were so sad and I was depressed a lot I guess. I still currently live in Washington and am still with the love of my life, Tim. :) This year we have been together for 7 years and we eventually plan to get married. I have been away from my parents for a while and have realized a lot about myself. I still of course care about my parents (mostly my dad) because they are after all my parents but I basically only see them when I go down to visit them every year for the summer. I miss my friends a lot and my other family. Its hard for me to be away from them and I realize now how much they supported me and what they gave to me to try to help me get through what happened why my parents. One thing that makes me a bit sad is that my best friend at the time, Ama and I aren't really friends anymore. After she moved to San Diego I hardly ever saw her and after I moved to Washington we never really kept in touch, I felt like she kept moving further and further away from me and when I tried to plan things so that we could see each other she just didn't seem interested and so I just decided it wasn't worth the effort or anger. I know that I helped her feel loved and she deserved it, I wish for a happy life for her and for her to know herself and enjoy her life for herself but also for her to not be so selfish and not hurt others as well. You are worthwhile and loveable, I hope you still know that. I thank you for being my friend and being there for me all those years. Tim and I have had ups and downs in our relationship just like every other couple out there and it has only made us stronger. We both have two jobs and are planning to go back to school. I an happier away from my parent's house and I have realized some things about living there, in some ways things were worse than I thought they were. Even though I might have complained about it I didn't realize how little I could express my emotions and feelings in what was supposed to be my own home. I realized that when I was at home I showed very little emotion and expression. I felt that I couldn't express joy or happiness around my parents just as much as I couldn't show my unhappiness. For me expressing my emotions is a very important thing because I am a very honest ans emotional person. I express my emotions very strongly through my body language and voice modulation so being unable to do any of that in my home was not good for me at all. I feel like I have grown a lot since I've been out on my own but I also have realized that I have a big problems with fear and anxiety because of all I've been through. Now that I'm in a safe place I sometimes have trouble going out alone by myself, I've always had this trouble but now it is more apparent because I don't really have any friends here. Its interfering with me going to school and making friends but I'm working on it. I feel like emotionally and as far as accomplishments in life that I'm a bit more behind (I prefer to think of it as being younger than I really am) than other people. Tim and I have bought our first car and will be working on getting our drivers license. Tim has no problems making friends like I do, I hope that when I get back to school I will finally make friends. But at the same time I love my friends back in San Bernardino and would just be happy to be back with them. I'm happy to say that I no longer feel the need to cry all the time (just every once in a while since I'm not completely over everything) and I no longer feel like there is a dark cloud hovering over me waiting to ruin my future and cause me more pain. In fact I just realized that right now. I hope that this can give hope to others out there who have gone through horrible things with their families. Everyone is not the same and will have different struggles, issues and severity but I believe that if you try to stay positive, keep fighting forward and keep your heart at least a little bit open you can find happiness in life and get over whatever you are going through. It will probably always have some kind of imprint on you whether negative or positive but you decided who you will be, you control your life and who you are. Anyways I only logged in just to delete this account but I might use it to privately write about things that my parents did to me and how it has affected me. I can't afford therapy yet but I feel like I am finally able to openly write about things that happened to me. I hope all my loved ones are doing well.