(no subject)
Well Halloween passed pretty uneventfullly, however I was able to dress up as a red and black fox and that was pretty fun, I still had to work though. Anyways lately I've been feeling kinda depressed, I have no idea why, I think that it might just be stress from being at home. I really can't stand it here sometimes. I feel like sometimes my parents just treat me like a dog and like I'm too stupid to do or understand anything. I think that being with timmy kinda makes it worse sometimes. That's just because now that I have someone who I know will be there for me no matter what and love me no matter what it really hurts to go back to a place where the people who are supposed to love me that way treat me like crap and absolutely don't know who I am. Plus, I guess as far as being depressed and kinda cranky goes with him, I know that I can always come to him and tell him how I feel and be safe in his arms, but I'm so used to being the strong one, it feels good not to have to fight all the time so I guess that makes me not have to hide my feelings so much but I hate being so cranky all the time. Right now I feel so unmotivated. I want to do a good job at my work but its so boring just doing the same day and its so hard for me to put aside myself and my feelings just to help others and do my best no matter what I'm feeling. And that just makes me feel so weak and like I'm really not trying my best, and I want to become a better person. But timmy also helps alot more than anything. I feel secure knowing that he will always stop whatever he's doing to listen to me even if I know its just something really selfish, its nice to be able to vent to someone after all those years if keeping silent and listening to others' problems instead. He makes me happy everyday even though sometimes it hurts me so much to leave him at the end of the day. And I really feel selfish for always wanting him to be with me because I feel so much better when I'm with him (and friends as well)that sometimes I wonder if I only love him because he makes me feel better, but I know that not true. I'm just so glad to have someone like him understand who I am and I don't even have to tell him. I'm so grateful to have him and friends right now who listen to me who understands me and who understands how out of line my parents treat me and how much it affects me. I often feel its unfair of me to always complain about them and how they treat me because its not like they beat me or anything yet they are so understanding and angered by how they treat me that I feel like there's a burden lifted from me because they understand how I feel and who I am and I don't feel so much like I'm just complaining about something that isn't even that big of a deal. I just want to be so many things, a great friend, even better girlfriend, an all around good person who puts others first and would be there for anyone if they needed it, a good employee who always comes in on time and makes the workplace a fun place yet still gets everything that needs to be done and more done. I want to make others' lives better just by being in them and being able to help others. And I'm trying to make this person out of who I am, and its difficult, but I'm trying and I have a wonderful boyfriend and caring friends who are willing to help me, so I guess I really have everything I need, except maybe the strength, courage, and discipline so do it, but I'm working on those too. I just need to calm down and not stress out about it. I'm just glad that I no longer have to do it alone. Anyways, if you've spent the time reading all of this thanks for taking the time to listen to me rant. :D I feel much better now.