Honesty?
Honesty is possible with whiskey in my hand. More than honesty, the ability to just fucking say what I think, to all of you. Furthermore, if you need any clarification as to who you are, just ask. You all know my screen name and phone number. Now, down to business.
Sh. You want to be my friend and all that shit, great, I'd love to be your friend too. Now, being a friend means that when you have a question or a worry, I listen. I listen even if it makes me want to spill the fucking contents of my shitty stomach on to the floor, and I lie to tell you that it's fine, it's all ok. The truth is, it's not. Talking to you reminds me of how much I failed. You telling me all this bullshit about how happy you are makes me sick. It makes me really fucking sick. What makes me feel like I have fucking ebola, is knowing that when I have a problem, I can't talk to you worth shit! You can't deal with one of my moods once and a while? Thanks douchebag. Eat shit.
Ju. If I'm one of your closest and most valued friends, and in my opinion, your only true friend, why is it that I'm always calling you? As you may have noticed, I've fucking stopped. It works both ways.
An. You're a flaky fuck. If you miss me one inkling, then yes, you miss me more.
Mi. I'm not mad at you at all, but sometimes I just envy you to no end. Thanks for making constant efforts to assure I'm not miserable.
Ca. Oh, C. You're a fucking whore. We once had a friendship, then we fooled around once... Oh wait! YOU CHEATED ON YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH ME! Then... You vanished. What was it, 3-5 months later, you break up with him, then what? YOU CALL ME. We fool around (you loved it, don't lie) and then you vanish Taking a stranger's word to mine. You fucking suck. You just moved out I hear? ...And without a job? Goodness. Sorry, most places don't hire a psychopath for any length of time, and I assure you, you have some extreme issues that need to be dealt with. Tell me, How's the Adavan treating you? Are you still seeing hallucinations?
Ev. I guess I thought we were better friends than you did.
Sh. You vanished into thin air. Oh wait... Maybe you didn't. It's not like I know the difference.
Mi. Yes. I'm your brother. Yes. You're ashamed of me. You don't have to say it in every interaction with me. I'll miss you when you're gone, but I honestly don't expect the same in return. That's fine, I guess.
Je. I have nothing to really say to you other than I lived with you for a year, and I thought we had a good time. I guess you didn't because you don't return my motherfucking calls.
Jo. You're a very good friend. I don't have much else to say other than I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.
If you're not mentioned here, drop a comment or an IM, I'll be honest.
I will mention, that I am extremely sick and tired of being forgotten, left behind, abandoned or whatever. The reason I feel that way, is because I'm flawed. I don't know how to explain it other than I lack confidence one day, then surge with it others. I have zero stability in my life other than my job... But it's working at a fucking porn store, guys. It's fun, it pays ok, but it sucks. I can't tell many people about it. Though I now, less than secretly, think that anyone that disapproves of my job is a fucking prude or just pathetically closed minded.
Jameson is my new favorite drink.
I don't think that any of this will change much, to be honest. I guess I needed to spill my guts. I did it because I thought I'd get some sense of relief from it.
Apparently, that's just asking too much of myself.