Ugh
Why do I put everything off, like seriously is it that I'm afraid of failure or is it that I'm afraid of sucesses, I always said its a little of both but people say that doesn't make any sense. Like right now I have to be calling Mercy (the hospital here in DSM) to see if I can get my x-rays because I have a Dr's apt @ home on Monday that I need them for. Which I should have done weeks ago but never did. I also have to call my patient. Who I've already tried to contact twice once by phone and once by email and he hasn't returned my call. What am I going to do if he doesn't return my call? I mean I have an extension approved but I'm just so scared that things are not going to work out with that class. And I had my first meeting with my old person on Thursday and I canceled because I was sick, and sure I probably was a little sick but was it because I was sick or was it because of stress and I just gave up. I really think its the latter. I need to just stop giving up on things and throw myself into it head first. I mean yeah I will fail at some things and not everyone is going to like me but I have a lot of potential and I will succeed at a lot of things. And I know that deep down why can't I believe it, why can't I just do the things I need to do.
Part of my problem is am I afraid of being happy. I am happy in my relationship for the most part, hes a really good guy and I am very comfortable with him which says a lot because theres not many people I am, so why do I keep trying to find something wrong with it, keep trying to sabatoge it . . . I am getting to that point where I'm getting in a rut in my life and need to pull myself out. I need to stop skipping classes because we all know that I can function when I am sick. I need to stop expecting people to take care of me and start taking care of myself. I need to I need to I need to . . . I just don't know how to change things. I've been working so hard and feel like i'm in the same place I was 5 years ago or 6 years ago whenever it was I started school, people external to me say I have changed a lot but why can't I see it?
Part of my problem is am I afraid of being happy. I am happy in my relationship for the most part, hes a really good guy and I am very comfortable with him which says a lot because theres not many people I am, so why do I keep trying to find something wrong with it, keep trying to sabatoge it . . . I am getting to that point where I'm getting in a rut in my life and need to pull myself out. I need to stop skipping classes because we all know that I can function when I am sick. I need to stop expecting people to take care of me and start taking care of myself. I need to I need to I need to . . . I just don't know how to change things. I've been working so hard and feel like i'm in the same place I was 5 years ago or 6 years ago whenever it was I started school, people external to me say I have changed a lot but why can't I see it?