1. What did you have for breakfast five days ago (If you didn't eat breakfast five days ago please instead substitute what you ate five breakfasts ago for you answer; if you don't eat breakfast for any reason - be it ideological, religious, or fear-based - please explain further)?
it's a safe bet that i ate a waffle. i really like waffles, they're nice.
2. Are you nice?
until a few hours ago, i was quite certain i was mean. i'm still holding on to "scary," though.
3. How many jobs do you currently hold?
i wished you'd asked that last semester when i was impressively over-extended. right now, i work for a florist (for one more week, i bailed), and am trying to find an internship to cover the one fucking hour i'll still need after finishing my last three required classes next semester. one hour. how did that even happen? one class is three hours!
4. Take off that stupid-ass hat. That's not a question, just do it.
sorry...
5. Remember when we used to pass around surveys through email rather than MySpace? Wasn't that great? Isn't instant nostalgia wonderful? Do you have a nostalgic email-based memory you'd like to share? If not, go light up a cigarette and jump to the last few questions, 'cause this isn't working for you at all and I can tell, you're just phoning it in.
no nostalgia, but i have some really cute pictures of piglets wrapped in striped fabric to fool the mother tiger who was fostering them. i'll send them to you if you want.
6. What's a pet peeve you've never told anyone?
i think i've made them all known. should i list some anyway?
- smiley icons.
- fingernails. just, in general. they're gross.
- mismatched shoes and bags. i know not everyone is as obsessive as i am, and that's probably for the best, but really, it's not difficult. at least stay in the same color family. sheesh.
- i'm also bothered by people changing lanes without signaling.
7a. Are you worried about something?
a thousand things.
7b. Should you get over it?
generally speaking, yes.
8. Defend your love for something ridiculous:
i love the movie "enchanted." i'm well aware that the premise is absurd. i know it's not the best written movie ever. but it's sweet! can't i just like nice things because they're nice, even if they're in no way plausible or even realistic? i like to be happy about things sometimes! okay?! i mean, the dragon turns to glitter when it falls off that building! what's not to like?!
9. This is the part of the survey that you give us a loosely detailed description of what you look like so we can get a decent image of you in our head that we can use while we masturbate in the shower tomorrow morning before work:
right. well, not that i encourage that, but, here you go:
10. Is there a God?
yes.
11. What's the best album no one's listening to?
i really thought about this question, and i still have no answer. i don't listen to anything all that obscure.
12a. What about your parents (or legal guardians) do you love?
they are unassailable.
12b. What about them do you hate?
they are unassailable.
13. Rene Descartes said, "Cogito ergo sum." Can you believe that French ponce, speaking two languages and NEITHER of them being English? Expand on your indignation; extra jingoism and unfounded "patriotic" claims are a plus (5 bonus points for including a drawing of the American flag):
being french was the least of descartes' problems. really, have you read any of his philosophy? ugh.
14. When was the first time you kissed a member of the sex you're currently attracted to?
i was thirteen.
15. What do you wish were different in your life?
kyle, seriously. don't ask me things like that.
16. "Fight Club" or "The Matrix?"
"fight club." did i just have to choose between edward norton and keanu reeves? as if they're even...comparable entities?!
17. When were you last scared out of your mind?
i know it's happened. but i guess i've blocked it from memory.
18a. What household chore do you hate the most?
i really hate changing the litter box. it weighs a million pounds and everything spills everywhere...it's just a pain.
18b. Which household chore do you like the most?
does cooking count as a chore? i think it kind of does. i enjoy it, anyway.
19. What's something commonplace that everyone else does that you don't do?
i'd have to know what everyone does to be able to tell you i don't. i'm not trying to be funny. i'm totally out of touch with my generation.
20. When was the first time you overcame embarrassment?
i have to very regularly.
21. Who was your last phone call to? Who was the last phone call you received from?
my mom, probably.
22. Define "freedom":
"noun
the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. see, liberty."
23. Where's your favorite place to eat that everyone should know about?
i had chipotle for dinner. if you don't know about that, you should.
24. What do you regret?
i don't have time for that.
25. What makes you feel charitable? Why?
the hundreds of requests for donations i receive in the mail from animal advocacy groups.
26. Who was the best Beatle?
ringo, by far.
27a. Which "Saved By the Bell" cast member could you outduel in a match of wits?
any of them. and the writers.
27b. Which one would you take on a date to The Max?
i don't know what that is.
27c. Which one could you take in a fight (NOTE: Don't say "Slater," because he was the best wrestler at Bayside and he'd whup your punk fuckin' ass, it's a fact, just admit it)?
i didn't really watch the show very often to be honest. i always changed the channel after the theme song.
28. Where is Vice President Dick Cheney? Seriously, where is he? He shot that one guy, i guess, and now...now it's like...God, you know...fuckin'...I don't even know. I don't even know, you know? It's crazy. It's totally crazy. God. Seriously though, where is he?
in washington, i expect.
29. How do you make the magic fortune in a fortune cookie come true? Explain your procedure.
you cannot. it's impossible to ensure it will come true. which is probably okay, because most of them are lame. if for some reason you don't want it to come true, though, all you have to do is not eat the cookie.
30a. What don't you do enough of?
i should really get more exercise. i'd probably be less cranky. endorphins and all that.
30b. What do you do too much of?
drugs. it's tearing my family apart.
31. Is honesty the best policy?
not always.
32. Reality TV: for or against?
i'm always for mindless entertainment.
33. No one cares if you drink or smoke. The real question is: Mescaline or Acid?
why are they capitalized?
34. What's your definition of "First Base?" "Second?" "Third?" "Home?"
you have to step on all of them in order, and then your team scores a point when you cross home plate.
35. What are you getting out of life: what you want, what you earned, or what you deserve?
ooh. i don't know? probably all three.
36. Chuck Klosterman asked this once in an essay in ESPN: The Magazine, and I paraphrase: If the predominant number of athletes in the National Football League are using performance-enhancing drugs, can it still be considered cheating?
it's cheating because it's against the rules they all agreed to when they signed their respective contracts.
37. What's on your desktop of your computer?
earthdesk. it's a live satellite feed of the planet. awesome, right? thanks, kelly.
38. What do you collect?
memories, mostly.
39. Best videogame of all time, hands down:
super mario brothers three. fucking classic.
40a. What was the best thing that happened in elementary school?
i remember really enjoying the fourth grade. i don't know why in particular, though.
40b. In Middle school / junior high?
middle school dances, ftw. they stopped being fun after eighth grade. i loved chamber choir, too. lots.
40c. In high school?
fucking shit up, being punx, masque, lunch.
40d. In College?
college has been fail. i have a semester left and i'm glad to be finished.
40e. Oh, come on...seriously, you went to grad school? God...okay, fine. The best thing that happened in grad school. No wait, let me guess...you made a million dollars when you got out, right? Was that your answer, you asskisser? You're terrible.
when i go to grad school, the most awesome thing about it will be not hating what i'm studying by the time i finish.
41a. Ever fired a gun?
i'm from texas.
41b. At someone?
no, thankfully.
42. Can you do any superhuman tricks? Like, are you double-jointed and other freakish things of that nature?
that's inappropriate dinner conversation.
43. Describe the perfect birthday:
i'd like to have a birthday like i did when i was a kid. when we had actual parties with stupid favors and junk to eat.
44. Do you want to go to the Moon?
the idea of space frightens me.
45. There's no way out! It's hopeless! An impossible task is at hand! How are we possibly going to escape?! Save us:
i'm not really in any position. do you...want a sandwich or something?
46. Where do we as humans go from here?
to hell in a handbasket.
47. Aren't you excited that this survey's almost over? Display your feelings in iambic pentameter (if you can't, perhaps you can go in a corner and play with a tiny rubber ball or your PSP, you know, something else that instantly shows the world you have a lower IQ than absolutely everyone you see):
i could. really, i could. but honestly, i don't have the patience to come up with something i'll be satisfied with. you can tell i'm not fully invested because i just ended that sentence in a preposition.
48. Where were you when the Twin Towers fell?
skipping chapel with priya.
49. I'm funnier than you. How are you coping with that?
i'm feeling resentment. but i'll manage.
50a. What will you do today that will make it better than yesterday?
well, today is only seven minutes old, so i have a lot of time to either make it awesome or fuck it up.
50b. It was gay to end on that question, and I'm sorry. I thought it would wrap things up nicely. If you liked it, cool, 'cause that's the end. But if you hated it, here's one last question: If you could kill someone and you knew one hundred percent beyond a shadow of a doubt that you could get away with it, would you do it?
i don't kill things. except in self defense, and so far, that has not been necessary.