And this is why no one takes self-published authors seriously.
So I checked out the author's website for his novel. I know it's a man not because there's a picture of him on the website or because his name is Michael. No, the "story overview" page told me he was male, and I'm not referring to the three(!) animated ads for "Desktop Strippers" either. Dude, I know your novel is self-published, but even self-published authors ought to have at least a thin veneer of professionalism, particularly if you're trying to entice women like me into reading your not-a-vampire-novel vampire novel. (No, that's how it's described, only I make it funny.)
Anyway, the Story Overview page includes pictures from Google image searches of half-naked women among a couple of gruesome images of a mutilated head and a corpse in an advanced state of decomposition. And then there's the overview itself. Reading between the lines I get, "I've never had a meaningful relationship with a woman because I can't think of them as anything other than a place to put my dick."
Jillian's playful overtures are an unexpected challenge. She's vivacious and voluptuous. But there's more. Dak can't immediately figure it out. Kissing her is like kissing his sister... if he had one. And resisting her only seems to add fuel to her teasing... and groping.
We have one hot chick who can't keep her hands off the main character. Check.
More important to Dak is the blonde he met during an embarrassing situation at the grocery store. In Dak's eyes, the ultimate woman - perfect in every way - and well beyond the reach of an average guy with average appeal.
But, as luck would have it, the blonde turns out to be Jillian's best friend, Kya and she soon proves to be the ultimate distraction.
We have a second hot (blonde) chick who is supposedly way out of the main character's league, but don't worry, like a good male fantasy she'll totally be into him. Oh, and did I mention he's a single father to a daughter? Yeah.
Beyond that the story overview is...weird, and not the good kind of weird. He's apparently working in a lab that develops some phenomenal drug that will "end the suffering of millions of people," and because of that he's targeted by this strange family and...other forces? I don't know, I'm trying to figure out how that has anything to do with half-naked women and desktop strippers. Oh, and his daughter gets kidnapped and he must save her. (By the way, Jillian, the woman who was like his sister and prone to groping him? Is his guardian angel. I don't even know.)
And then there are some excerpts. The writing isn't horrible grammatically speaking, and there are no huge, glaring errors that catch my eye, but that whole thing about women being a place to put his dick rears its ugly head.
The woman I loved was worried about me and my heart missed another beat. She cared about me. How cool was that?
Wait. The woman I loved? Was that really the frame of reference my brain used for her?
Admit it, old man. You know you do.
My face slid painfully slow down the door, leaving a wet, dark colored smear across the side panel.
Damn... I should have slept with her.
Riiiiight. He's dying and he's chatising himself for not banging the woman he just realized he loves, which means he should have slept with her before he realized he loved her. And let's talk about his regret is that he didn't fuck her and not "Oh we'll never get a chance to explore that love and have a fulfilling life together." I mean, I'd want to live longer than the five minutes of thrusting this guy probably counts as good sex. (Yes, that's mean, I know.)
"Hello... again." I stepped forward. Her blue eyes met mine and my heart missed a beat. I considered melting into a puddle right there on the hardwood, captivated by the face of a playful angel with a wide smile.
Whatever you do, don't look down at those B cups.
"Like what you see?"
Damn!
"Even better up close," I mumbled.
Kudos for not making them DDs or JJs, but honestly, can we get delve into stereotypical male fantasy any further? She lets him ogle her breasts and she responds positively.
And because I can't stomach much more of this or the ads for strippers and women posing in awkward positions for a dude's enjoyment, I'm going to stop with this: Dak (the main character) has a brilliant lab assistant named, get this, Kevin Chang.
"Well look, dude. Something like... happened, man!" Chang came from Asian ancestry, but he was born and raised somewhere between Malibu and South Central. At times, intellectually advanced - articulate and brilliant. More often than not, preferring a chemically induced state of relaxation. Tommy Chong with Bruce Lee hair.
"Um, okay. Can it wait until morning?" I was puzzled. Chang was different. Okay, weird. But, he never called. A freakin' genius who enjoyed stimulants. A God-send to my business. But, he never called.
"I don't think so, man. This is off the hook, Bro! I mean... I hit it outta' the friggin' park!" Conversations with Chang were sometimes like talking to a really smart 15 year old. Sometimes, they were complicated riddles. At times, just incoherent gibberish.
What is this? I can't even....WHAT?
I'm not sure whether I should laugh or weep over the fact that this novel is 130,000+ words.
I'm done. Just done. Go check it out if you like. (And if you read the reviews page, note how many people are from the same town and how all of them are from the Southeast. Family and friends praising your work? Nah, I totally believe this guy is that brilliant of a writer. Yeeeeeah.)
This entry was originally posted at http://jadedmusings.dreamwidth.org/663089.html. You may comment here or there using OpenID.
Anyway, the Story Overview page includes pictures from Google image searches of half-naked women among a couple of gruesome images of a mutilated head and a corpse in an advanced state of decomposition. And then there's the overview itself. Reading between the lines I get, "I've never had a meaningful relationship with a woman because I can't think of them as anything other than a place to put my dick."
Jillian's playful overtures are an unexpected challenge. She's vivacious and voluptuous. But there's more. Dak can't immediately figure it out. Kissing her is like kissing his sister... if he had one. And resisting her only seems to add fuel to her teasing... and groping.
We have one hot chick who can't keep her hands off the main character. Check.
More important to Dak is the blonde he met during an embarrassing situation at the grocery store. In Dak's eyes, the ultimate woman - perfect in every way - and well beyond the reach of an average guy with average appeal.
But, as luck would have it, the blonde turns out to be Jillian's best friend, Kya and she soon proves to be the ultimate distraction.
We have a second hot (blonde) chick who is supposedly way out of the main character's league, but don't worry, like a good male fantasy she'll totally be into him. Oh, and did I mention he's a single father to a daughter? Yeah.
Beyond that the story overview is...weird, and not the good kind of weird. He's apparently working in a lab that develops some phenomenal drug that will "end the suffering of millions of people," and because of that he's targeted by this strange family and...other forces? I don't know, I'm trying to figure out how that has anything to do with half-naked women and desktop strippers. Oh, and his daughter gets kidnapped and he must save her. (By the way, Jillian, the woman who was like his sister and prone to groping him? Is his guardian angel. I don't even know.)
And then there are some excerpts. The writing isn't horrible grammatically speaking, and there are no huge, glaring errors that catch my eye, but that whole thing about women being a place to put his dick rears its ugly head.
The woman I loved was worried about me and my heart missed another beat. She cared about me. How cool was that?
Wait. The woman I loved? Was that really the frame of reference my brain used for her?
Admit it, old man. You know you do.
My face slid painfully slow down the door, leaving a wet, dark colored smear across the side panel.
Damn... I should have slept with her.
Riiiiight. He's dying and he's chatising himself for not banging the woman he just realized he loves, which means he should have slept with her before he realized he loved her. And let's talk about his regret is that he didn't fuck her and not "Oh we'll never get a chance to explore that love and have a fulfilling life together." I mean, I'd want to live longer than the five minutes of thrusting this guy probably counts as good sex. (Yes, that's mean, I know.)
"Hello... again." I stepped forward. Her blue eyes met mine and my heart missed a beat. I considered melting into a puddle right there on the hardwood, captivated by the face of a playful angel with a wide smile.
Whatever you do, don't look down at those B cups.
"Like what you see?"
Damn!
"Even better up close," I mumbled.
Kudos for not making them DDs or JJs, but honestly, can we get delve into stereotypical male fantasy any further? She lets him ogle her breasts and she responds positively.
And because I can't stomach much more of this or the ads for strippers and women posing in awkward positions for a dude's enjoyment, I'm going to stop with this: Dak (the main character) has a brilliant lab assistant named, get this, Kevin Chang.
"Well look, dude. Something like... happened, man!" Chang came from Asian ancestry, but he was born and raised somewhere between Malibu and South Central. At times, intellectually advanced - articulate and brilliant. More often than not, preferring a chemically induced state of relaxation. Tommy Chong with Bruce Lee hair.
"Um, okay. Can it wait until morning?" I was puzzled. Chang was different. Okay, weird. But, he never called. A freakin' genius who enjoyed stimulants. A God-send to my business. But, he never called.
"I don't think so, man. This is off the hook, Bro! I mean... I hit it outta' the friggin' park!" Conversations with Chang were sometimes like talking to a really smart 15 year old. Sometimes, they were complicated riddles. At times, just incoherent gibberish.
What is this? I can't even....WHAT?
I'm not sure whether I should laugh or weep over the fact that this novel is 130,000+ words.
I'm done. Just done. Go check it out if you like. (And if you read the reviews page, note how many people are from the same town and how all of them are from the Southeast. Family and friends praising your work? Nah, I totally believe this guy is that brilliant of a writer. Yeeeeeah.)
This entry was originally posted at http://jadedmusings.dreamwidth.org/663089.html. You may comment here or there using OpenID.