jaws clenching tight we talked all night, oh but what the hell did we say?
i am lonely.
i love my friends. they are amazing. they make my life bearable. i could not imagine life without them. everyone i care about makes me a better person.
but i am lonely.
i try not to be. i don't understand my malcontent. because on the whole i am a lot happier than i used to be. and i like myself a whole lot more. and i make decisions that i am comfortable with. for perhaps the first time ever.
and i have come to the realisation that i don't want a boyfriend.
but i do want someone who is mine.
is that wrong?
i really don't know what to do. i smoke too much pot. i study too little. i make excuses too much. i am an under-read literature major. i love music but i know little about the mechanics of it. i don't care about the particulars of the bands i like, just enjoying the songs is enough for me.
but i have nothing to talk about. and nothing to contribute. and no areas of expertise....i observe but i do not take part...the story of my life...maybe i haven't changed as much as i would like to think i have...
i'm afraid that i will always be alone because i have no concept of how to share myself with another person. and because i push too hard for something i have no concept of how to keep. i am perpetually 15 and it drives me insane because i realise that i'm doing it but i don't know how to stop.
i feel......in limbo. i know what i want out of my life. but acheiving it is the hard part. and i don't mind hard work. but i've been working hard for a long time. i'm burnt out. and the pay-off is just so far away...
i love my friends. they are amazing. they make my life bearable. i could not imagine life without them. everyone i care about makes me a better person.
but i am lonely.
i try not to be. i don't understand my malcontent. because on the whole i am a lot happier than i used to be. and i like myself a whole lot more. and i make decisions that i am comfortable with. for perhaps the first time ever.
and i have come to the realisation that i don't want a boyfriend.
but i do want someone who is mine.
is that wrong?
i really don't know what to do. i smoke too much pot. i study too little. i make excuses too much. i am an under-read literature major. i love music but i know little about the mechanics of it. i don't care about the particulars of the bands i like, just enjoying the songs is enough for me.
but i have nothing to talk about. and nothing to contribute. and no areas of expertise....i observe but i do not take part...the story of my life...maybe i haven't changed as much as i would like to think i have...
i'm afraid that i will always be alone because i have no concept of how to share myself with another person. and because i push too hard for something i have no concept of how to keep. i am perpetually 15 and it drives me insane because i realise that i'm doing it but i don't know how to stop.
i feel......in limbo. i know what i want out of my life. but acheiving it is the hard part. and i don't mind hard work. but i've been working hard for a long time. i'm burnt out. and the pay-off is just so far away...