"..The very thing that I hate most... The way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods"
Sometimes I feel like lost space floating around aimlessly trying to find a host that will fill some sort of void. Somedays I feel like a puppet on strings, just going through the motions the outside sets for me. My Grandma once said that the girls in our family have "gypsy souls"--Just wanting to drive away from everything to see where it would take us. I understand this concept more and more, fearing what lies here and hasn't afflicted me yet. I never intend to withdraw from everyone. Sometimes it just feels safer to wrap myself up in a little ball because it's what is safe. It protects me from what is outside. The nights I stay home, the days that I look blank, uninterested..well, it isn't dissatisfaction with what's around me. I have everything worth being happy for-a great family, decent grades, friends that are great to me, but it feels like something is always missing. I have come to realize that this disease takes over every ounce of normalcy in my life. I can't fix the frustration of those around me who are upset that I withdraw and lose my drive and motivation. I can't explain to anyone why I switch meds, go on and off from a reliance I never wanted, and why the Lexapro or Zoloft don't feel right anymore, why the words "4 to 6 weeks" terrify me so much. I just want to feel normal now, not a month and a half from now. I want to be like the others who cry here and there, become depressed, fall apart and then are fine and starry eyed. I never wanted to sit at home and wonder what the hell was wrong with me, why I couldn't pull myself together and why everything seemed so goddamn fucked up. I never wanted to be "Lisa going through one of her spells" where I fall into a hole, climb back up and fall again. I try not to be so introverted, but when everything just falls out of my control I've taught myself to run away because it's safe. I can't hurt myself like everything else does. I feel crazy, like I'm totally insane and can't confide in anyone for fear of such judgement. It's hard to explain to people around me how I feel because it often feels like I can't make anyone understand when I don't know or understand what's wrong myself. And it kills me to look back on all that I've missed out on, all that I've given up on because I just want to find my comfort zone. Is it so hard to understand, this thing that I'm going through? Why is it that when I try to fix myself the best that I know how I feel like people are thinking that I'm losing my mind? And why can't I just pull it together when I get down like everyone else seems to do so well? If I knew what was wrong, if I knew what was effecting me, then I could get better... but the thing with this is, you'll never know what's wrong or whats effecting you. You just learn to survive, maybe not significantly, but to get through.