(no subject)
This summer has sucked. Not everything, but generally overall. I think I was just spoiled last summer... going to Germany... I want to go back so badly. Eric and I are supposed to next summer, we've talked about it a little. I want to go so badly. That was most definitely the best experience of my life, ever. *sigh* I have been bored all summer almost. There have been a few days here and there that have been fun, but they don't outweigh the boring days. Am I just ungrateful? I don't know what my problem is... Last summer, even after Germany, it was a good summer. It was a great summer. Hopefully the trip to North Carolina will make this summer better. Maybe I'm just brooding too much over last summer. That's definitely possible. I never thought that I would want it to be the school year again, but I do. I want something to do... I want to be busy. Fuck, I WANT homework. It'd be something to fucking do. Yes, I am crazy... sorry. I have so many things running through my head.... before I sit here to write it's like they are all just sitting there, organized, waiting for me to write them down, and then when I sit in front of this illuminated box connecting me to the world... all the thought out things are hastily poured into a blender and turned on... and I can't grab a single thought out of there for fear of losing my hand. So, I sit here, and watch my thoughts all get mixed together and am unable to stop it. I can't take this. I need something... I only wish I knew what... I just feel like breaking down and crying, but I refuse to let myself do so. I feel as if I could be in the most beautiful, colorful place, and see only shades of grey. It's so hard... hard to be happy when I'm not ready for this phase of life to be over, hard to be happy when I want so much more than I could ever have with this life... hard to be happy when I have no will power of my own... hard to be happy when I'm me.
I apologize for this depressing entry, but I needed to write it... to get something out there and off of me. I somewhat feel better after that, and I will be over this soon, I promise. so... until later...
*sandy*
I apologize for this depressing entry, but I needed to write it... to get something out there and off of me. I somewhat feel better after that, and I will be over this soon, I promise. so... until later...
*sandy*