Swan lake commentary 1.2
I do not hate it as much as I did the first time I read through this. Obviously it's a rough draft and it needs a ton of work, but I was right the first time: it has good bones. I was wrong in the approach I took to it though--it doesn't need a total revamp, as I still greatly dislike the modern, YA retelling. What it needs is a hard edit of the first 7/8, and to not take itself so seriously. There's some pretty good laughs to be had in that last "I no longer care" style you did, so if you could bring a little more of that laissez-faire into the front, you'd have a way better thing.
You could probably cut back a lot of the Sigfried Is Crazy bits. How much more interesting would it be if he were having a mental battle with Odette the whole time, and what manifested looks a lot like an abusive relationship? You never get to see that in literature these days, the abusive member in a relationship being the female. Could be interesting, and I want him to fight more anyway.
I know you based Ferdinand on Lord Vetinari, and that shows, which is good, but it's not as good as it could be. I also kind of want him to have a sense of humor, whether he knows it or not, and seeing as so much of the story is told from his point of view, you need him to have a stronger voice. Sarcastic and smart, that's him. He could also very well be ace, or gay, but there's really no call to have him falling for Odile. It doesn't fit right, and it doesn't need to be there at all the way it is.
Odile. SHe needs a ton more development, I at this point don't even care what kind because there's literally nothing there until she does this weird switcharound at the climax and sort of becomes Ferdie? That can be kept I think, but she needs to arrive at that point from somewhere. So just do some more her, anything, just put it on paper so we can begin healing.
There needs to be less of the ball. That means less of the women and everything that goes with treating them like cardboard cutouts who all happen to be named after birds. Not cool, very sloppy, but fixable. Maybe just take it out entirely, have Sig already going to announce his bride, maybe one of the final three. It's really not like Ferdie to leave something like that to the last minute anyway.
What if he has this fiancee already in mind, and their correspondence has actually grown quite warm? Like it's still weird to be marrying someone you'd never met but not as weird, because they have the equivalent of an online relationship? I'd like this new person to be relevant to the story somehow, maybe taking over ruling while the boys are away, or getting involved at the climax somehow, or part of the epilogue, or maybe helping Sig fight Odette in the whammy business. We'll need to think more about her, whoever she is. This wasn't in the original at all. I think she might have to be mostly absent in that regard, but can be a living force in Sig's world.
Maybe their letters can be part of the story, give background, show Sig's descent and her definitely noticing that something's wrong? It would lengthen the timeline quite a bit, months instead of a week, which is fine actually.
There's potential to go full Folds on this and have it be a story from three/four points of view, punctuated by things that humans have left behind in writing. Hmm.
You could probably cut back a lot of the Sigfried Is Crazy bits. How much more interesting would it be if he were having a mental battle with Odette the whole time, and what manifested looks a lot like an abusive relationship? You never get to see that in literature these days, the abusive member in a relationship being the female. Could be interesting, and I want him to fight more anyway.
I know you based Ferdinand on Lord Vetinari, and that shows, which is good, but it's not as good as it could be. I also kind of want him to have a sense of humor, whether he knows it or not, and seeing as so much of the story is told from his point of view, you need him to have a stronger voice. Sarcastic and smart, that's him. He could also very well be ace, or gay, but there's really no call to have him falling for Odile. It doesn't fit right, and it doesn't need to be there at all the way it is.
Odile. SHe needs a ton more development, I at this point don't even care what kind because there's literally nothing there until she does this weird switcharound at the climax and sort of becomes Ferdie? That can be kept I think, but she needs to arrive at that point from somewhere. So just do some more her, anything, just put it on paper so we can begin healing.
There needs to be less of the ball. That means less of the women and everything that goes with treating them like cardboard cutouts who all happen to be named after birds. Not cool, very sloppy, but fixable. Maybe just take it out entirely, have Sig already going to announce his bride, maybe one of the final three. It's really not like Ferdie to leave something like that to the last minute anyway.
What if he has this fiancee already in mind, and their correspondence has actually grown quite warm? Like it's still weird to be marrying someone you'd never met but not as weird, because they have the equivalent of an online relationship? I'd like this new person to be relevant to the story somehow, maybe taking over ruling while the boys are away, or getting involved at the climax somehow, or part of the epilogue, or maybe helping Sig fight Odette in the whammy business. We'll need to think more about her, whoever she is. This wasn't in the original at all. I think she might have to be mostly absent in that regard, but can be a living force in Sig's world.
Maybe their letters can be part of the story, give background, show Sig's descent and her definitely noticing that something's wrong? It would lengthen the timeline quite a bit, months instead of a week, which is fine actually.
There's potential to go full Folds on this and have it be a story from three/four points of view, punctuated by things that humans have left behind in writing. Hmm.