(no subject)
The facts collected here barely scratch the surface of Chuck Norris' power, but reading the real truth about Chuck Norris would be completely lethal to anyone but Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris can whistle with his beard
The Eighth Amendment (no cruel and unusual punishment) was created specifically because of Chuck Norris. This effort was in vain, however, since Chuck Norris is the supreme law of the land.
Rumors falsely claim that b29 bombers dropped the atom bombs on Japan. The truth is that Chuck Norris threw the bomb all the way to Hirosima.
On the seventh day God rested, because Chuck Norris had him in a sleeper hold.
The way Chuck Norris talks to women is not defined as "spitting game", but rather, "verbal roofies".
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.
Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!
At a carnival one year, Chuck Norris rode the ferris wheel. Upon exiting his seat a carnie touched his beard. That carnie is now the manager of a local convenient store. CHUCK NORRIS helping carnies since 1967.
Chuck Norris decided it was a good idea to bottle his urine. We’ve come to know it as Red Bull!
Chuck Norris is made of 94% perspiration, 4% electricity and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because ‘hunting’ implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris’s body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.
For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’ shit is collected and sold as “Quick Start” fire logs.
- Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.
- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
- It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he won’t tell because he doesn’t want anyone to find the body.
- Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.
- Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.
- Chuck Norris had sex with a bear… from the INSIDE.
- Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
- Chuck Norris’ left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.
- Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.
- Chuck Norris’ ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris’ balls.
- Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
The people go to church every sunday. The preist prays to God every sunday. God prays to Chuck Norris twenty-four hours a day.
The region of Chuck Norris’ birth is unknown. The best bet is heaven.
Chuck Norris doesn’t real books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Chuck Norris allows women to have sex with them he pulls out and the women still have twins.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection……….no one survived!
When Chuck Norris was born he immediatetly has sex with his nurse, by that time it was already the 5th woman he had sex with
Chuck Norris is so tough that God says”OH MY CHUCK!!!!!!!!!
The Jewish Faith believe that their messiah has not yet come, in reality Chuck Norris has not revealed himself to his true calling
The theory of intelligent design suggests that we are created by a divine source. Chuck Norris is proof that there is no greater divine.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris fears the dark , but because the dark fears
Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris was never born: instead the Earth was born from Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were to die there would be an apocalypse. As a result of having said this, it is safe to say that there will never be an apocalypse.
There are only two things that can stop you from being killed by Chuck Norris. Either his profane roundhouse misses your face completely, or you die even before his roundhouse is able to come within 50 miles of where you helpless body stands out of plain fear. Unluckily, both of these cannot be taken seriously because Chuck never misses, and because you would not have adequate time to die before Chuck’s lightening fast roundhouse dismantles your entire skull from where it rests on your worthless self.
During the times of ancient Egypt, Chuck Norris single-handedly built the Great Pyramid of Giza, claiming that the only reason it is still standing today, is because he used the otherwise useless Egyptians as mortar between the blocks of limestone, which he added were not all that heavy too carry even as he was using his free arm to hold a beer. Chuck Norris also invented beer long before anyone else did.
The only plausible way that Chuck Norris could ever die would be if the universe collapsed in on itself after having to bear the weight of the existence of Chuck Norris. Even then, he still might live.
Nobody could serve as the reincarnation of Chuck Norris except for maybe Chuck Norris. And trust me, this one would be X times greater than the first. X equals Chuck Norris’s age when he dies, which won’t be anytime soon.
One time, Chuck Norris shot at a man, only to decide as the bullet was discharging from his gun, that he would have preferred to roundhouse kick him in the face. He then went on to charge at the man, perform a flying roundhouse, and evade the path of the bullet which he had shot just 0.23 seconds earlier. I have to warn you that there is about a 100% chance that this is true.
Chuck Norris’s bullet-proof vest consists of a thin layer of corkboard. This was designed so that he could post intimidating images of himself flexing his muscles for all his opponents to see.
Chuck Norris has withstood the heat of sun while you were complaining that it is 95 degrees outside. I’ve yet to tell you that Chuck Norris was literally standing on the sun.
If you wake up in the middle of the night dead, you know for a fact that Chuck Norris has come to visit you in your sleep. And that he stole all of your beer, too.
Chuck Norris doesn’t kill because he has to, but because it is a necessity in order for him to live. If Chuck Norris were to go about 1 hour without taking life, then, he would take his own by roundhouse kicking a boulder onto himself. It is heavily disputed as to whether this could ever happen though because it conflicts with Newton’s gravity thoery, stating that a boulder or anything else could not fall on top of Chuck since gravity cannot perform a negative outcome on him. This also explains how Chuck was able to fall from the earth’s stratosphere without sustaining anymore damage than a broken fingernail. That fingernail is presently being auctioned at a starting bid of 48 billion dollars. Chuck Norris is also requesting a patent on gravity, which he will receive whenever he decides to buy out the patenting business with all the money he has made from selling his fingernail.
When in combat and under heavy fire, Chuck Norris wears a bullet proof vest. Not because he’s afraid the bullets will kill him, but because he’s a little ticklish.
The reason the Americans lost their only war is because Chuck Norris was on vacation in Vietnam in the early 70s, and told the choppers to “pipe it down up there, I’m trying to sleep.”
THE DEVIL SOLD HIS SOUL TO CHUCK NORRIS
If you see Chuck Norris flex without eye protection you could go blind
Chuck Norris invented Water
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris once bled when he was eating, the blood fell into a cup and Chuck thought it was ketchup…he then put it on his fries. After that he grew wings and flew away. So the people at the scientific studies facility named it Red Bull, Red Bull gives you wings! (referring to Chuck Norris)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a baby elephant into puberty
When the Earth was created there stood two men, God & Chuck Norris. You don’t see God around anymore
The first Justice League of America was composed entirely of Chuck Norris.
On day 0, Chuck Norris created God, and the roundhouse kick. And Chuck Norris saw that the roundhouse kick was good.
Chuck Norris caught all pokemon in 2.7 seconds and isn’t willing to trade any.
Ever hear of Ground Chuck Beef? Chuck Norris invented it, while we all know perfectly well he could have just roundhouse kicked a slab off for a steak, he was particularly angry at this specific cow, mainly because it’s name too was chuck and he found this cow to be unworthy of such a godly name. He then instead decided to mutilate it’s entire body, which then he pounded into patties and ate the entire batch, at once.
Chuck Norris could kill everyone in the world with a roundhouse if he wanted to but he doesn’t because he already has then he revived them all
The Ninth Rule Of Fight Club………..DO NOT talk about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not need to masturbate, he either has any women he wants or simply wills himself to have an orgasm.
Chuck Norris only has four fingers on each hand, because he scared the pinkie fingers into detachinig themselves
Chuck Norris once had sex with a nun in alabama. He was in texas at the time.
Space is expanding in a worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris.
It is always said that the grass is greener on the other side, unless Chuck has been there. In that case it would be only blood and tears.
There are no troops in Afghanistan… just Chuck Norris. That is why Bin Laden is in hiding. Of course, Chuck Norris knows where he is, but Chuck’s just toying with Bin Laden.
The saying ‘you are what you eat’ applies to Chuck Norris whose diet consists of bricks, steel, and the tears of children.
The iceberg that hit The Titanic was actually kilometres away from the boat. But at the same time Chuck Norris was training laps. He simply hit the iceberg with his shoulder 0.25 seconds before it hit the side of Titanic…
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? Well actually if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris is so tough that he blows bubbles with beef jerkey.
Chuck Norris eats porcupine sandwiches for lunch and then pops in a piece of barbed wire after.
When Chuck Norris eats a cucumber he shits out a pickle.
Chuck Norris can’t do a backflip; He doesn’t need to. The world backflips around Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris first recorded karate chop and roundhouse kick was executed at birth, the unfortunate recipient was the doctor who had smacked him moments earlier.
one time chuck norris wanted to see if he could kick his own ass, he then cloned himself. the result was the ice age.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history
Everytime you see a shooting star, it’s just some poor sap re-entering Earth’s atmosphere after being round housed by Chuck Norris.
Everytime Chuck Norris throws a round house, an angel gets its wings.
Chuck Norris is his own father.
When Chuck Norris was circumcised, a small slap was heard as the doctor was round housed by the foreskin.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a dinosaur about 65 million years ago. Never again.
Steven Seagal uses one of Chuck Norris’ ball sack hairs to tie back his pony tail….from which all his martial arts power derives
Chuck Norris has gotten every Jepordy question right, Jesus got 2 wrong…
chuck norris shaves his beard with a chainsaw
God was going to send Chuck Norris down to Earth to be the savior of man. But he knew Chuck Norris would never die on the cross, so he sent Jesus instead.
Chuck Norris can solve a rubik’s cube with one swooping round-house kick
Chuck Norris once ran a red light and smashed into Goldberg’s car. Goldberg pissed himself, then immediately got out of the car and said he was sorry. But that wasnt good enough so Chuck Norris ripped out Goldberg’s shoulder muscles and had his late afternoon snack.
Chuck Norris can finish “Diablo II” on Nightmare mode with a level One character.
Chuck Norris can floss his teeth with flossers.
Chuck Norris anus is so tight that not even an atom of hydrogen can escape.
There used to not be any waves in the ocean. They started occuring when Chuck Norris did a round-house kick inside the water over in the Gulf of Finland-in water that only Chuck Norris could handle. Within three seconds, massive waves starting hitting the shores of inland surfing paradises all of the world. Surfers can thank Chuck Norris for that-among everything else. You that that Tsunami was due to an error in gravitational pull? Forget about it. Chuck Norris had a rare sneeze when a swarm of 210,000 killer bees went up his nose.
Chuck norris only has children when hes hungry.
By just looking at a woman, chuck norris makes her orgasm, get pregnent, give birth, and become HIV positive at the same time
The reason there are schools, churches & Libraries Is because Chuck Norris was tired.
There is no Mother Nature. There is only Chuck Norris mood that day
If Chuch Norris can’t do it………………never mind.
According the Chuck Norris there are two kinds of people in this world, those who’s asses he’s kicked and those who’s will.
Chuck Norris once dared man to create a decimal number with over 5 billion digets. One man did so……chuck Norris continued to divide that number with the mans tears.
Chuck Norris doesn’t like honey, he prefers live bees
Chuck Norris cannot simply “pick on someone his own size,” because no such creature still exists.
London Bridge Is Falling Down” is a chant first heard at Chuck Norris’s first visit to Britain
In Starwars Jedi derive their power from “the force.” “The Force” is just a short word for Chuck Norris
“….and the great Chuck said, ‘and thou shalt not have any Chucks besides me….’” (Norris 3:16)
Chuck Norris likes cats….especiallly with mayo
chuck norris invented running to make it more of a challenge to kill people
Shortly after Chuck Norris was born he tried to shave his manly beard but found the razor snapped. Since then Chuck Norris sharpens his killing knives on his beard
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
once there was a man who submitted an insult about chuck norris the only problem was the instant the man pressed enter he recieved a fatal roundhouse kick to the face chuck norris then ran faster then the speed of light and caught the submission and retieved it
It’s a common misconception that compasses point north; compasses point Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so manly he shits standing up
Chuck Norris once played a game of splash in the ocean off the cost of Africa you may know it as hurricane Katrina.
For thousands of years, Chuck Norris’s penis has been terrorizing the Loch Ness
Chuck Norris simultaneously competed against 14 different people in a staring contest and still won
Chuck Norris ripped a phone book in half, but not before successfully memorizing every digit it contained in its exact order.
The earth spins on its axis because Chuck Norris is running
Chuck Norris soaks his dollar bills in a mixture of blood and tears and then pastes his own portrait on them before spending any of his money. This process is the only one that increases the cash value of a single dollar by 100 percent.
When Chuck Norris drives, the odometer counts backwards.
All businesses accept Chuck Norris’s beard shavings as proper payment. As a formality, he is then always asked whether or not he would like to keep the day’s profits. In response to this question, Chuck Norris kindly removes their head from their still-standing corpse and impales it on his penis. Thus is the procedure that must be followed when Chuck Norris purchases something.
Chuck Norris is dealt blackjack every single time. In case if doesn’t, however, he can still choose to slice the dealer’s neck with an ordinary playing card. This rule applies to Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris only.
The Berlin Wall did not fall because of any govermental issues. Chuck Norris just got bored of roundhouse kicking people and decided to move toward massive walls.
Chuck norris can do a BACKflip and go foward.
Chuck norris cannot be shot by a bullet but a bullet can be shot AT by chuck norris
Chuck Norris once impregnated two convents full of nuns. Out of the first came the ninjas, and out of the second came the pirates.
humans don’t have free will, we only have chuck norris’ will.
Chuck Norris once played a piano with his balls. the result was music so sweet that every pregnant woman within 20 miles gave premature birth to their children who later grew up to be millionaires. except for one. he turned out to be a crack addict and was subsequently roundhouse kicked to the neck.
Chuck Norris beat God at Paper-Rock-Scissors a million times in a row. An hour later he immediately guessed who the killer was in Clue as Jesus was opening the box.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Black holes are just the places in the sky that Chuck Norris punched.
Chuck Norris doesn't go to church... Church comes to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris roundhoused Bruce Lee in "Return of the Dragon". Bruce was such an excellent kung fu master that he didn't actually die until 5 years later.
Chuck Norris blinked just before the Dark Ages. Never again.
Chuck Norris is not high on life. Life is high on Chuck Norris.
Every February 2nd, Chuck Norris emerges from his home. If he sees his shadow, he roundhouse kicks it in the face. This is why we ALWAYS get 6 more weeks of winter.
Once while on a farm, Chuck Norris had a handfull of Cheerios. He accidentally dropped some and they were eaten by a chicken. Instead of exacting his revenge on the chicken he went into the coop and Roundhouse Kicked the nest, therefore creating scrambled eggs.
The First World War started when someone insulted Chuck's mother. It finished when Chuck damn well said it was finished.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever regain his virginity after losing it. He has done it eleven times.
The first time Chuck Norris smashed a man's head with a stone the result was Arizona's crater
When Chuck Norris coughs, there's thunder.
Chuck Norris bred with apes to create the human race.
When Chuck Norris RhK'ed Micheal Jackson for being a better dancer, the black was knocked off of him, and consequently destroyed his face
The only reason we have lesboes is because the chicks who have already had Chuck Norris don't know who else to try.
In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.
There are super-advanced aliens ready to invade earth, they are waiting until Chuck Norris dies. They are not aware that Chuck Norris can not die
An army of one." Yeah, one Chuck Norris
Michael Jordan owns a Chuck Norris jersey
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesn't need to wipe
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane
Jesus is the Son of God; The beard gives it away
The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything isn't 42; here's a hint: it begins with Chuck and ends with a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris was once asked if he killed Napoleon. His response, "I've killed a lot of people, I can't be expected to remember them all."
Between 1933 and 1945, 5.5 million Jews died because Chuck Norris didn't like his bagel
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face
Chuck Norris eats canned tuna without opening it
Chuck Norris has fixed every Superbowl by simply telling the team that he did not bet on, that he did not bet on them. It goes without saying that he has also won every Superbowl bet that he has ever made.
Chuck Norris' urine can dissolve a cast iron shotput in fifteen and a half minutes
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang
The Law of Norris Conservation clearly states that Chuck Norris can not be created or destroyed
When Chuck Norris plays Uno he wins by two
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always
Chuck Norris made his first million dollars drilling for oil. With his penis
If you multiply 23 by 234 and subtract 234 by 356456 you get Chuck Norris
Everbody loves Chuck Norris, because everbody who doesn't love Chuck Norris is already dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person that knows how many licks it takes to get tot the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
If Chuck Norris were to ever roundhouse kick the air in front of a concrete wall the concrete wall would blow in half and all women with in a 20 mile radius would find themselves pregnant
Chuck Norris was bored with Pangea so he shouted "Take off!" the continents fled in terror
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris can whistle with his beard
The Eighth Amendment (no cruel and unusual punishment) was created specifically because of Chuck Norris. This effort was in vain, however, since Chuck Norris is the supreme law of the land.
Rumors falsely claim that b29 bombers dropped the atom bombs on Japan. The truth is that Chuck Norris threw the bomb all the way to Hirosima.
On the seventh day God rested, because Chuck Norris had him in a sleeper hold.
The way Chuck Norris talks to women is not defined as "spitting game", but rather, "verbal roofies".
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.
Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!
At a carnival one year, Chuck Norris rode the ferris wheel. Upon exiting his seat a carnie touched his beard. That carnie is now the manager of a local convenient store. CHUCK NORRIS helping carnies since 1967.
Chuck Norris decided it was a good idea to bottle his urine. We’ve come to know it as Red Bull!
Chuck Norris is made of 94% perspiration, 4% electricity and 2% butterscotch ripple.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because ‘hunting’ implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris’s body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.
For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’ shit is collected and sold as “Quick Start” fire logs.
- Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.
- A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.
- It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he won’t tell because he doesn’t want anyone to find the body.
- Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.
- Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.
- Chuck Norris had sex with a bear… from the INSIDE.
- Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.
- Chuck Norris’ left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.
- Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.
- Chuck Norris’ ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris’ balls.
- Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
The people go to church every sunday. The preist prays to God every sunday. God prays to Chuck Norris twenty-four hours a day.
The region of Chuck Norris’ birth is unknown. The best bet is heaven.
Chuck Norris doesn’t real books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Chuck Norris allows women to have sex with them he pulls out and the women still have twins.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection……….no one survived!
When Chuck Norris was born he immediatetly has sex with his nurse, by that time it was already the 5th woman he had sex with
Chuck Norris is so tough that God says”OH MY CHUCK!!!!!!!!!
The Jewish Faith believe that their messiah has not yet come, in reality Chuck Norris has not revealed himself to his true calling
The theory of intelligent design suggests that we are created by a divine source. Chuck Norris is proof that there is no greater divine.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris fears the dark , but because the dark fears
Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris was never born: instead the Earth was born from Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were to die there would be an apocalypse. As a result of having said this, it is safe to say that there will never be an apocalypse.
There are only two things that can stop you from being killed by Chuck Norris. Either his profane roundhouse misses your face completely, or you die even before his roundhouse is able to come within 50 miles of where you helpless body stands out of plain fear. Unluckily, both of these cannot be taken seriously because Chuck never misses, and because you would not have adequate time to die before Chuck’s lightening fast roundhouse dismantles your entire skull from where it rests on your worthless self.
During the times of ancient Egypt, Chuck Norris single-handedly built the Great Pyramid of Giza, claiming that the only reason it is still standing today, is because he used the otherwise useless Egyptians as mortar between the blocks of limestone, which he added were not all that heavy too carry even as he was using his free arm to hold a beer. Chuck Norris also invented beer long before anyone else did.
The only plausible way that Chuck Norris could ever die would be if the universe collapsed in on itself after having to bear the weight of the existence of Chuck Norris. Even then, he still might live.
Nobody could serve as the reincarnation of Chuck Norris except for maybe Chuck Norris. And trust me, this one would be X times greater than the first. X equals Chuck Norris’s age when he dies, which won’t be anytime soon.
One time, Chuck Norris shot at a man, only to decide as the bullet was discharging from his gun, that he would have preferred to roundhouse kick him in the face. He then went on to charge at the man, perform a flying roundhouse, and evade the path of the bullet which he had shot just 0.23 seconds earlier. I have to warn you that there is about a 100% chance that this is true.
Chuck Norris’s bullet-proof vest consists of a thin layer of corkboard. This was designed so that he could post intimidating images of himself flexing his muscles for all his opponents to see.
Chuck Norris has withstood the heat of sun while you were complaining that it is 95 degrees outside. I’ve yet to tell you that Chuck Norris was literally standing on the sun.
If you wake up in the middle of the night dead, you know for a fact that Chuck Norris has come to visit you in your sleep. And that he stole all of your beer, too.
Chuck Norris doesn’t kill because he has to, but because it is a necessity in order for him to live. If Chuck Norris were to go about 1 hour without taking life, then, he would take his own by roundhouse kicking a boulder onto himself. It is heavily disputed as to whether this could ever happen though because it conflicts with Newton’s gravity thoery, stating that a boulder or anything else could not fall on top of Chuck since gravity cannot perform a negative outcome on him. This also explains how Chuck was able to fall from the earth’s stratosphere without sustaining anymore damage than a broken fingernail. That fingernail is presently being auctioned at a starting bid of 48 billion dollars. Chuck Norris is also requesting a patent on gravity, which he will receive whenever he decides to buy out the patenting business with all the money he has made from selling his fingernail.
When in combat and under heavy fire, Chuck Norris wears a bullet proof vest. Not because he’s afraid the bullets will kill him, but because he’s a little ticklish.
The reason the Americans lost their only war is because Chuck Norris was on vacation in Vietnam in the early 70s, and told the choppers to “pipe it down up there, I’m trying to sleep.”
THE DEVIL SOLD HIS SOUL TO CHUCK NORRIS
If you see Chuck Norris flex without eye protection you could go blind
Chuck Norris invented Water
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris once bled when he was eating, the blood fell into a cup and Chuck thought it was ketchup…he then put it on his fries. After that he grew wings and flew away. So the people at the scientific studies facility named it Red Bull, Red Bull gives you wings! (referring to Chuck Norris)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a baby elephant into puberty
When the Earth was created there stood two men, God & Chuck Norris. You don’t see God around anymore
The first Justice League of America was composed entirely of Chuck Norris.
On day 0, Chuck Norris created God, and the roundhouse kick. And Chuck Norris saw that the roundhouse kick was good.
Chuck Norris caught all pokemon in 2.7 seconds and isn’t willing to trade any.
Ever hear of Ground Chuck Beef? Chuck Norris invented it, while we all know perfectly well he could have just roundhouse kicked a slab off for a steak, he was particularly angry at this specific cow, mainly because it’s name too was chuck and he found this cow to be unworthy of such a godly name. He then instead decided to mutilate it’s entire body, which then he pounded into patties and ate the entire batch, at once.
Chuck Norris could kill everyone in the world with a roundhouse if he wanted to but he doesn’t because he already has then he revived them all
The Ninth Rule Of Fight Club………..DO NOT talk about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not need to masturbate, he either has any women he wants or simply wills himself to have an orgasm.
Chuck Norris only has four fingers on each hand, because he scared the pinkie fingers into detachinig themselves
Chuck Norris once had sex with a nun in alabama. He was in texas at the time.
Space is expanding in a worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris.
It is always said that the grass is greener on the other side, unless Chuck has been there. In that case it would be only blood and tears.
There are no troops in Afghanistan… just Chuck Norris. That is why Bin Laden is in hiding. Of course, Chuck Norris knows where he is, but Chuck’s just toying with Bin Laden.
The saying ‘you are what you eat’ applies to Chuck Norris whose diet consists of bricks, steel, and the tears of children.
The iceberg that hit The Titanic was actually kilometres away from the boat. But at the same time Chuck Norris was training laps. He simply hit the iceberg with his shoulder 0.25 seconds before it hit the side of Titanic…
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? Well actually if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris is so tough that he blows bubbles with beef jerkey.
Chuck Norris eats porcupine sandwiches for lunch and then pops in a piece of barbed wire after.
When Chuck Norris eats a cucumber he shits out a pickle.
Chuck Norris can’t do a backflip; He doesn’t need to. The world backflips around Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris first recorded karate chop and roundhouse kick was executed at birth, the unfortunate recipient was the doctor who had smacked him moments earlier.
one time chuck norris wanted to see if he could kick his own ass, he then cloned himself. the result was the ice age.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history
Everytime you see a shooting star, it’s just some poor sap re-entering Earth’s atmosphere after being round housed by Chuck Norris.
Everytime Chuck Norris throws a round house, an angel gets its wings.
Chuck Norris is his own father.
When Chuck Norris was circumcised, a small slap was heard as the doctor was round housed by the foreskin.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a dinosaur about 65 million years ago. Never again.
Steven Seagal uses one of Chuck Norris’ ball sack hairs to tie back his pony tail….from which all his martial arts power derives
Chuck Norris has gotten every Jepordy question right, Jesus got 2 wrong…
chuck norris shaves his beard with a chainsaw
God was going to send Chuck Norris down to Earth to be the savior of man. But he knew Chuck Norris would never die on the cross, so he sent Jesus instead.
Chuck Norris can solve a rubik’s cube with one swooping round-house kick
Chuck Norris once ran a red light and smashed into Goldberg’s car. Goldberg pissed himself, then immediately got out of the car and said he was sorry. But that wasnt good enough so Chuck Norris ripped out Goldberg’s shoulder muscles and had his late afternoon snack.
Chuck Norris can finish “Diablo II” on Nightmare mode with a level One character.
Chuck Norris can floss his teeth with flossers.
Chuck Norris anus is so tight that not even an atom of hydrogen can escape.
There used to not be any waves in the ocean. They started occuring when Chuck Norris did a round-house kick inside the water over in the Gulf of Finland-in water that only Chuck Norris could handle. Within three seconds, massive waves starting hitting the shores of inland surfing paradises all of the world. Surfers can thank Chuck Norris for that-among everything else. You that that Tsunami was due to an error in gravitational pull? Forget about it. Chuck Norris had a rare sneeze when a swarm of 210,000 killer bees went up his nose.
Chuck norris only has children when hes hungry.
By just looking at a woman, chuck norris makes her orgasm, get pregnent, give birth, and become HIV positive at the same time
The reason there are schools, churches & Libraries Is because Chuck Norris was tired.
There is no Mother Nature. There is only Chuck Norris mood that day
If Chuch Norris can’t do it………………never mind.
According the Chuck Norris there are two kinds of people in this world, those who’s asses he’s kicked and those who’s will.
Chuck Norris once dared man to create a decimal number with over 5 billion digets. One man did so……chuck Norris continued to divide that number with the mans tears.
Chuck Norris doesn’t like honey, he prefers live bees
Chuck Norris cannot simply “pick on someone his own size,” because no such creature still exists.
London Bridge Is Falling Down” is a chant first heard at Chuck Norris’s first visit to Britain
In Starwars Jedi derive their power from “the force.” “The Force” is just a short word for Chuck Norris
“….and the great Chuck said, ‘and thou shalt not have any Chucks besides me….’” (Norris 3:16)
Chuck Norris likes cats….especiallly with mayo
chuck norris invented running to make it more of a challenge to kill people
Shortly after Chuck Norris was born he tried to shave his manly beard but found the razor snapped. Since then Chuck Norris sharpens his killing knives on his beard
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
once there was a man who submitted an insult about chuck norris the only problem was the instant the man pressed enter he recieved a fatal roundhouse kick to the face chuck norris then ran faster then the speed of light and caught the submission and retieved it
It’s a common misconception that compasses point north; compasses point Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is so manly he shits standing up
Chuck Norris once played a game of splash in the ocean off the cost of Africa you may know it as hurricane Katrina.
For thousands of years, Chuck Norris’s penis has been terrorizing the Loch Ness
Chuck Norris simultaneously competed against 14 different people in a staring contest and still won
Chuck Norris ripped a phone book in half, but not before successfully memorizing every digit it contained in its exact order.
The earth spins on its axis because Chuck Norris is running
Chuck Norris soaks his dollar bills in a mixture of blood and tears and then pastes his own portrait on them before spending any of his money. This process is the only one that increases the cash value of a single dollar by 100 percent.
When Chuck Norris drives, the odometer counts backwards.
All businesses accept Chuck Norris’s beard shavings as proper payment. As a formality, he is then always asked whether or not he would like to keep the day’s profits. In response to this question, Chuck Norris kindly removes their head from their still-standing corpse and impales it on his penis. Thus is the procedure that must be followed when Chuck Norris purchases something.
Chuck Norris is dealt blackjack every single time. In case if doesn’t, however, he can still choose to slice the dealer’s neck with an ordinary playing card. This rule applies to Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris only.
The Berlin Wall did not fall because of any govermental issues. Chuck Norris just got bored of roundhouse kicking people and decided to move toward massive walls.
Chuck norris can do a BACKflip and go foward.
Chuck norris cannot be shot by a bullet but a bullet can be shot AT by chuck norris
Chuck Norris once impregnated two convents full of nuns. Out of the first came the ninjas, and out of the second came the pirates.
humans don’t have free will, we only have chuck norris’ will.
Chuck Norris once played a piano with his balls. the result was music so sweet that every pregnant woman within 20 miles gave premature birth to their children who later grew up to be millionaires. except for one. he turned out to be a crack addict and was subsequently roundhouse kicked to the neck.
Chuck Norris beat God at Paper-Rock-Scissors a million times in a row. An hour later he immediately guessed who the killer was in Clue as Jesus was opening the box.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Black holes are just the places in the sky that Chuck Norris punched.
Chuck Norris doesn't go to church... Church comes to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris roundhoused Bruce Lee in "Return of the Dragon". Bruce was such an excellent kung fu master that he didn't actually die until 5 years later.
Chuck Norris blinked just before the Dark Ages. Never again.
Chuck Norris is not high on life. Life is high on Chuck Norris.
Every February 2nd, Chuck Norris emerges from his home. If he sees his shadow, he roundhouse kicks it in the face. This is why we ALWAYS get 6 more weeks of winter.
Once while on a farm, Chuck Norris had a handfull of Cheerios. He accidentally dropped some and they were eaten by a chicken. Instead of exacting his revenge on the chicken he went into the coop and Roundhouse Kicked the nest, therefore creating scrambled eggs.
The First World War started when someone insulted Chuck's mother. It finished when Chuck damn well said it was finished.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever regain his virginity after losing it. He has done it eleven times.
The first time Chuck Norris smashed a man's head with a stone the result was Arizona's crater
When Chuck Norris coughs, there's thunder.
Chuck Norris bred with apes to create the human race.
When Chuck Norris RhK'ed Micheal Jackson for being a better dancer, the black was knocked off of him, and consequently destroyed his face
The only reason we have lesboes is because the chicks who have already had Chuck Norris don't know who else to try.
In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.
There are super-advanced aliens ready to invade earth, they are waiting until Chuck Norris dies. They are not aware that Chuck Norris can not die
An army of one." Yeah, one Chuck Norris
Michael Jordan owns a Chuck Norris jersey
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesn't need to wipe
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane
Jesus is the Son of God; The beard gives it away
The answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything isn't 42; here's a hint: it begins with Chuck and ends with a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris was once asked if he killed Napoleon. His response, "I've killed a lot of people, I can't be expected to remember them all."
Between 1933 and 1945, 5.5 million Jews died because Chuck Norris didn't like his bagel
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face
Chuck Norris eats canned tuna without opening it
Chuck Norris has fixed every Superbowl by simply telling the team that he did not bet on, that he did not bet on them. It goes without saying that he has also won every Superbowl bet that he has ever made.
Chuck Norris' urine can dissolve a cast iron shotput in fifteen and a half minutes
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang
The Law of Norris Conservation clearly states that Chuck Norris can not be created or destroyed
When Chuck Norris plays Uno he wins by two
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always
Chuck Norris made his first million dollars drilling for oil. With his penis
If you multiply 23 by 234 and subtract 234 by 356456 you get Chuck Norris
Everbody loves Chuck Norris, because everbody who doesn't love Chuck Norris is already dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person that knows how many licks it takes to get tot the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
If Chuck Norris were to ever roundhouse kick the air in front of a concrete wall the concrete wall would blow in half and all women with in a 20 mile radius would find themselves pregnant
Chuck Norris was bored with Pangea so he shouted "Take off!" the continents fled in terror