Changes
Some of you still keep tabs on me, particularly with certain aspects of my relationship. So, I dedicate this post to you.
We finally had that long-overdue conversation last night. It was a neutral night--no good feelings to destroy or negative emotions to worsen. It was an "anything goes" kind of night, and somehow I discovered an opening.
The night before last, I had a neighbor and a former co-worker over for a Mary Kay makeover. The former co-worker is a distributor and I agreed to help her with a contest. During dinner, which Mike made for everyone, he commented that he didn't think he'd still be here by the end of the year (in response to the neighbor saying the same thing). I was a little shocked by it and it got me thinking.
So, last night, I asked him where he saw himself by the end of the year, if not here. Whether he'd still be here if neither of us had living arrangement problems or financial concerns. If we both had someplace to go and could both pay our bills easily, would the relationship continue? Does he feel stuck because he helps me survive? After a bit of thought, he answered that the decision to break up would be easier to make in that situation. This wasn't a statement that we'd rather break up, just an answer. An answer that segued into a much larger conversation.
It was calm, quiet, and teary. I admitted that most nights, I'm not happy anymore. Mike asked me what changed, and I said that he had. I'm still not certain what changed, or where, or when, just that it had. The person he is now and the person he was before is not the same. We all grow and change throughout life, we're supposed to. And I know I've changed and my depression affects the relationship. Those changes between the two of us make us bicker and complain more often. Before, it was only during PMS weeks, but now it's the entire month... Mike said that I hadn't changed, though; he's just seen more of me.
I told him about Rosemary's comments on blogs about my thesis, her repeated sentiments about how communication strengthens a relationship. I started crying and admitted to keeping secrets but not knowing when it had started... How it shouldn't have happened because we used to be so communicative with each other. When he said that I should never be afraid to talk to him, I told him that I had to be because of his moods.
It was a long, faltering, one-sided conversation in which I apologized for dumping everything on him at once. In the end, he pulled me into a cuddle and fell asleep. When I woke him to move him to the bed, he told me that I was right, that he was the one who had changed. But that was all he said.
This morning, he read up to chapter six of my thesis and admitted that it does, in fact, pick up after the second chapter (where he had stopped reading before).
So, hopefully this is the start of another change.
We finally had that long-overdue conversation last night. It was a neutral night--no good feelings to destroy or negative emotions to worsen. It was an "anything goes" kind of night, and somehow I discovered an opening.
The night before last, I had a neighbor and a former co-worker over for a Mary Kay makeover. The former co-worker is a distributor and I agreed to help her with a contest. During dinner, which Mike made for everyone, he commented that he didn't think he'd still be here by the end of the year (in response to the neighbor saying the same thing). I was a little shocked by it and it got me thinking.
So, last night, I asked him where he saw himself by the end of the year, if not here. Whether he'd still be here if neither of us had living arrangement problems or financial concerns. If we both had someplace to go and could both pay our bills easily, would the relationship continue? Does he feel stuck because he helps me survive? After a bit of thought, he answered that the decision to break up would be easier to make in that situation. This wasn't a statement that we'd rather break up, just an answer. An answer that segued into a much larger conversation.
It was calm, quiet, and teary. I admitted that most nights, I'm not happy anymore. Mike asked me what changed, and I said that he had. I'm still not certain what changed, or where, or when, just that it had. The person he is now and the person he was before is not the same. We all grow and change throughout life, we're supposed to. And I know I've changed and my depression affects the relationship. Those changes between the two of us make us bicker and complain more often. Before, it was only during PMS weeks, but now it's the entire month... Mike said that I hadn't changed, though; he's just seen more of me.
I told him about Rosemary's comments on blogs about my thesis, her repeated sentiments about how communication strengthens a relationship. I started crying and admitted to keeping secrets but not knowing when it had started... How it shouldn't have happened because we used to be so communicative with each other. When he said that I should never be afraid to talk to him, I told him that I had to be because of his moods.
It was a long, faltering, one-sided conversation in which I apologized for dumping everything on him at once. In the end, he pulled me into a cuddle and fell asleep. When I woke him to move him to the bed, he told me that I was right, that he was the one who had changed. But that was all he said.
This morning, he read up to chapter six of my thesis and admitted that it does, in fact, pick up after the second chapter (where he had stopped reading before).
So, hopefully this is the start of another change.