no i won't rock the boat, cause i'm scared what might happen.
ihate.
i hate having to deal with people. especially ones that cut me off while i'm trying to explain to them why i do things the way i do. and while they're cutting me off they keep telling me that i'm not the way i say i am because...because you wont let me finnish damnit. i HATE when people cut me off and dont even shut up while i so desperately and obviously try to cut them back off and continue my explaination. do i even get the obligetory. "oh, i'm sorry, what were you saying" no. i dont.
another thing.
i am NOT intimidated by aggressive people. i am just aggravated by them. i WOULD go right on ahead and say EXACTLY what i'm thinking or feeling about someone, BUT...i spent a good period of time doing just that, and i'm trying to spare the person from suffering the wrath of my inner asshole. for example: P1: hey, i have a crush on you. ME: oh really? thats nice, what are you gonna do about it? P1: umm... (P1 comes up with somehting, or doesnt and i lead them on even though i really dont care how they feel, and then i let them crash horribly, and be devastated, and i'm fine and still dont care)
it actually goes along those lines, but is a lot meaner in reality. and i've done this to a few people and most of the time it sucks...for them. so when i'm NOT aggressive back or i DONT say what i think, its becasue you're better off not knowing what's going on in my head. becasue i can be a real asshole, and i know that i sometimes use people's attraction to me against them, in order to have something in my life that i can control.
NOW: i want to make it clear that this isnt what happened in all cases...
just a lot of them.
so, why do i behave the way i do? becasue if i really care about you as a friend and person then i will refuse to acknowledge the evil thoughts that move through my head. i will purposely NOT react to agressive behavior. and chances are i'll act like i'm really dense and your moves don't affect me.
if i didn't i would end up fucking with you, and it won't be nice.
another reason i behave this way is because in order to be in a relationship i have to have strong feelings for a person (other than just friendship). it's gotta be like...really makes my heart go kind of feeling, other wise, a person just doesnt "do it" for me at all, ::shrugs:: i may as well be a-sexual for what it's worth...hah. anyhow. i've only had that reaction to 3 people. we'll not get into them here. just that they exist and 2 of them combined were nothing compared to the third.
so really, the situation has to be perfect, andthe stars must be aligned just so and the heavenly bodies must be in a syzygy in order for me to find an acceptable partner.
apologies for the rant, there was a pseudo conversation this week that sparked this annoyance and i thought that i'd write it out. it is so frustrating to try to explain these reasons in their entirety when you keep fucking being sidetracked by "mememememeMEMEMEMEMEEEEEMEEE". you want an answer? listen!
sheesh.
in other words. i still need a good adventure for my things.
there will be a horribly twisted ending, but i still need an adventure.
any ideas?