Five/Five: Bodily Functions
SHITTING: I didn't have the privelege of shitting on the Empire Builder because I was constipated almost the whole way. (I guess that's what happens when you sit down for 48 hours on end. Your slowly forget how to poop.)
But if I had shat on the train, it would have been an uncomfortable experience, to say the least. Amtrak's bathrooms are quite small. Picture a Honey Bucket (that's what we call outhouses in the Seattle metropolitan area). It's cramped, it smells gross, the floor is coated with poorly aimed piss. Now imagine that same Honey Bucket on a moving vehicle, its size cut in half. That's an Amtrak toilet. There was so little room that I couldn't stand up and brush my teeth in it without whacking my elbow on one of the walls.
PISSING: But claustrophobia isn't all you have to deal with when using an Amtrak bathroom. Pissing in these bathrooms can be a grating task - if you piss standing up, that is. Because the cars are constantly bucking around on the track, it's impossible to aim. No matter how hard you try (and I tried hard) you can't get all of it to land where you want it - namely, in the bowl. It ends up on the toilet seat, on the floor, on the walls, in the sink (remember when I said these bathrooms were small?). Eventually, I realized that sitting down is a good way of dealing with this difficulty, and did that the rest of the trip - but until I got to that point, it was a little rough.
FARTING: Sitting down for hours on end without shitting takes a toll on your digestive system. Stomach aches, indigestion, gaseousness, bloating, constipation, diarrhea - you can expect at least a few of these things to happen to you on a normal two to three day cross-country train ride. Fortunately, I was spared the diarrhea this time around, but I was not spared the stomach aches, the constipation or the gas. (Sorry, Jess.)
THROWING UP: Throwing up on the train can be tricky, because Amtrak seats are not equipped with vomit bags and Amtrak bathrooms are located on the ground floor, next to the luggage racks (there are no bathrooms located on the second floor, where the general seating areas are). So if you wake up from a nap and realize that you have to vomit - and now - your only option (short of vomiting all over your seat or into your neighbor's lap) is to vomit into your purse, your hat or the train safety brochure.
Luckily, this issue never came up while I was on the train. But I feel like it must, every now and then, for some people. Sometimes you just have to vomit, after all.
EJACULATING: Hmmm.
Well, that's all I have to say about the bodily functions, the Empire Builder and train trips in general, so I'll be going to bed now. If you're interested in gazing blissfully upon my pictures from the train trip, I'll be posting these online relatively soon.
But if I had shat on the train, it would have been an uncomfortable experience, to say the least. Amtrak's bathrooms are quite small. Picture a Honey Bucket (that's what we call outhouses in the Seattle metropolitan area). It's cramped, it smells gross, the floor is coated with poorly aimed piss. Now imagine that same Honey Bucket on a moving vehicle, its size cut in half. That's an Amtrak toilet. There was so little room that I couldn't stand up and brush my teeth in it without whacking my elbow on one of the walls.
PISSING: But claustrophobia isn't all you have to deal with when using an Amtrak bathroom. Pissing in these bathrooms can be a grating task - if you piss standing up, that is. Because the cars are constantly bucking around on the track, it's impossible to aim. No matter how hard you try (and I tried hard) you can't get all of it to land where you want it - namely, in the bowl. It ends up on the toilet seat, on the floor, on the walls, in the sink (remember when I said these bathrooms were small?). Eventually, I realized that sitting down is a good way of dealing with this difficulty, and did that the rest of the trip - but until I got to that point, it was a little rough.
FARTING: Sitting down for hours on end without shitting takes a toll on your digestive system. Stomach aches, indigestion, gaseousness, bloating, constipation, diarrhea - you can expect at least a few of these things to happen to you on a normal two to three day cross-country train ride. Fortunately, I was spared the diarrhea this time around, but I was not spared the stomach aches, the constipation or the gas. (Sorry, Jess.)
THROWING UP: Throwing up on the train can be tricky, because Amtrak seats are not equipped with vomit bags and Amtrak bathrooms are located on the ground floor, next to the luggage racks (there are no bathrooms located on the second floor, where the general seating areas are). So if you wake up from a nap and realize that you have to vomit - and now - your only option (short of vomiting all over your seat or into your neighbor's lap) is to vomit into your purse, your hat or the train safety brochure.
Luckily, this issue never came up while I was on the train. But I feel like it must, every now and then, for some people. Sometimes you just have to vomit, after all.
EJACULATING: Hmmm.
Well, that's all I have to say about the bodily functions, the Empire Builder and train trips in general, so I'll be going to bed now. If you're interested in gazing blissfully upon my pictures from the train trip, I'll be posting these online relatively soon.