miss almost, miss maybe, miss halfway
I don't know if it's supposed to be this hard to be happy. Maybe it is.
I saw my best friend for the first time in weeks and all I wanted to do was just cry on her shoulder. I can barely choke out words when I'm talking to people. What is happening to me? Why do I always let him do this to me?
All I do is work work work, run run run. Run run work work. Is it all for a purpose? I want to believe so, and maybe, hopefully, eventually, I will be glad for how hard I've worked. Right now, all I can feel is sad.
All around me are endings. College is ending. The life I've known for the past four years is ending. In most ways, I'm ready. It's just...college was always the certain. No matter what happened during the summer, no matter what happened at home, I could always count on being able to escape back to the Hill and my roommates and I don't have that anymore. It's unavoidable, but it is still a small death, and I want to mourn it appropriately.
You can't hate someone without loving them a little bit too. You can't love someone and not trust them. You can't trust someone who never kisses you with the truth on his lips. You can't. I can't. You won't. Even as I tell myself that I won't won't won't put myself through "this" again (third time? fourth time?) I know in my heart that I can never say no to you.
I really don't like that.
I wrote, so many entries ago, that I'm scared we will never be ready for each other at the same time, and it holds true, and I am afraid of that very thing.
And the worst (the very worst) is that you don't care. Not even a little.
And I have screamed and pleaded and cried and thrown things and joked and cajoled and teased and given in and given up more times than I can count.
And it doesn't change a thing.
I saw my best friend for the first time in weeks and all I wanted to do was just cry on her shoulder. I can barely choke out words when I'm talking to people. What is happening to me? Why do I always let him do this to me?
All I do is work work work, run run run. Run run work work. Is it all for a purpose? I want to believe so, and maybe, hopefully, eventually, I will be glad for how hard I've worked. Right now, all I can feel is sad.
All around me are endings. College is ending. The life I've known for the past four years is ending. In most ways, I'm ready. It's just...college was always the certain. No matter what happened during the summer, no matter what happened at home, I could always count on being able to escape back to the Hill and my roommates and I don't have that anymore. It's unavoidable, but it is still a small death, and I want to mourn it appropriately.
You can't hate someone without loving them a little bit too. You can't love someone and not trust them. You can't trust someone who never kisses you with the truth on his lips. You can't. I can't. You won't. Even as I tell myself that I won't won't won't put myself through "this" again (third time? fourth time?) I know in my heart that I can never say no to you.
I really don't like that.
I wrote, so many entries ago, that I'm scared we will never be ready for each other at the same time, and it holds true, and I am afraid of that very thing.
And the worst (the very worst) is that you don't care. Not even a little.
And I have screamed and pleaded and cried and thrown things and joked and cajoled and teased and given in and given up more times than I can count.
And it doesn't change a thing.