Fifteenth ficlet is Cracktastic?
Title: Muggle Mints
Author: Constance Truggle
Fandom: Buffy/Harry Potter
Rating: FR13
Pairing: None
Summary: Albus loves his candy. Even the muggle kind. (Kind of cracky.)
Disclaimer: Don't own Buffy or Harry Potter.
Word Count: 799
Author's Note: I am so, so, so sorry about this! I don't know where it came from. I was on the phone with my mother, and suddenly it was: What if Dumbles got some muggle candy that wasn't really candy? and BAM! This was born. So again, I am so effin' sorry about this! And on that note, I hope you enjoy!
Buffy Summers sat in the headmaster's office at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and she was torn between laughter and horrified silence. She just watched the man pop some candy from a tin in his hand before he offered her some. In the tin were some little yellow lozenges called lemon drops, and blue things he claimed were some sort of muggle non-minty mint. She didn't know about that, but she did know that they looked familiar. Cocking her head, she stared at them some more before it clicked. She knew exactly what these non-minty mints were, and they were definitely not candy. She looked around the room at the other professors that were there. Albus was introducing her as someone who can help in the wizarding world's war; at least, the part where demons and vampires and ooglie booglies were involved.
None of the professors seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary about the old man's candy choices. She wasn't sure what to do, though. Tell him what that little blue bit really was now, in front of everyone, or wait until the others left and let the powerful wizard know in private. Then, as he put one in his mouth and made a face at the taste, she realized she was out of options. And then she realized just what would happen to this nice, sweet, ancient beyond belief man and couldn't help herself. She snorted. Fighting a losing battle with a blush, she covered her mouth but her shoulders started shaking and tears began forming in her eyes. Laughter was totally inappropriate, she kept telling herself, but this was ridiculous. The man was popping Viagra like they were candy! Great googly moogly! Where did the man even get them from?
She looked up and found everyone staring at her, most in reproach for her apparently uncouth muggle habits, and she waved at them in apology. “I'm so sorry! It's just...” here she giggled again, “Albus, do you actually know what you just ate?” Another snicker, though her face betrayed the wigginess of a man of his age using that. And there went the laughter as her face turned slightly green and she muttered something about brain bleach and not really needing that mental, thanks.
The wizened wizard looked at her strangely. “I just told you, my dear. Some form of muggle candy. I dare say I won't be getting those again, either.”
“Albus.” Buffy had to take a deep, calming breath before she either laughed or vomited and then continued. “Albus, those aren't candy. It's a muggle medicine for...” Her face turned bright red again and she lowered her head slightly as she fought to continue this embarrassing topic. “It's for men that... umm... have, well... erectile difficulties.” There. She said it, and though it trailed to a rushed whisper at the end, she was certain everyone had heard. The dark, greasy man to her right that set off her danger senses snorted before getting himself under control again. The older witch to her left, with the glasses and the no nonsense attitude gasped and covered her mouth. The little guy who was actually shorter than she was - and that was saying something! - toppled off his chair, also withholding laughter, from what she could tell. The shorter, rounder woman seemed remarkably composed to the slayer, although she had seemed to be the calm, steady sort when they first were introduced, anyway. One thing Buffy knew, though, was that she did not want to be here when that little blue pill kicked in! So, turning to the man who reminded her a bit of Spike with his attitude and temper, she plastered on a blinding smile and asked him to take her on a tour around the castle. It appeared that he didn't wish to remain, either, as he jumped at the chance to leave. They got out onto the revolving staircase before anyone could put the kibosh on their escape. She just hoped their magic could get it out of the old man's system before her mental image of his garish robes tenting in the front came to pass.