So i am alone... again.
you know, i am beginning to hate ebing alone. I used to love the peace and quiet it afforded me, and now i wish for anything but. I know i am alone right now because i have to be. I am sick and cant go out, and not many people really want to be too close to me. I am supposed to be at a concert right now with really good friends, but i cant go out, so i am just bummed.
Oh, about my sickness. I had to call and report every day to my doc how i was doing and the other day he decided i had to go to a specialist that day.. he made a call and got me in that day. So in turns out not only do i have infected tonsils but also an infected voicebox. Yeah terriffic. So he decided to try one last med and see if he can clear up the infection, otherwise, and indefinitely they will have to come out. So i am looking at a painful surgery with an apparent long recovery. The ENT said it is a bad surgery and with mine being so infected, that would not help any. So all in all, i feel like shit and am faced once again with yet another stressor.
I guess i am just sad. I realized the other day that not only did i lose my dad, a great friend and person, i also lost my security. He was the one i went to when everything was going wrong, and he always helped me straighten it out. I am so glad my mom and i have become so close and she helps me through it now, i know that i would not have survived lately if it was not for her. she is the strongest and greatest woman i have ever known and i thank god every day for her.I guess i am just still mourning the loss of my dad like it was yesterday and not two months ago. I wish that i could feel his spirit with me.
ANd i know that he is sad because i am sad. And it is not all the time, just times like this when i am looking for someone with answers and i get nothing.... i cannot talk to him, or i can, but i cant feel him, and that is a loss greater. I am also sad because i guess i lost my faith when i lost him too. I used to be so faithful, so sure, so positive that god was walking beside me.. and when i lost my dad, i was so angry. I just wanted to blame someone for taking him away... and i am sad that i am trying to get back to god, and though it is happening little by little as mike said, i don't have the faith that i used to to KNOW that everything is going to be ok. I lost that along with him. I miss him so much.
I miss Mike. I miss being loved by a man. I miss waking up in his arms and seeing his sweet smile across the pillows. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss the faith he gave me, and the love we had together. I miss that we were so completely together that we could know each others thoughts. I miss his green eyes and that crazy noise he made when i kissed his neck. I miss being a part of something. I miss being loved by him. ANd i know that he still loves me.. and i know that i still love him with every part of me.. but in the same breath, i also know we are doomed to fail right now, because life and circumstances being what they are, we cannot be us.. and that is SO HARD. It is like having everything you ever wanted right there in front of you and not being able to reach out and take it. It is like god is just testing our will.... and i am tired of it.
bill is so involved with michelle i exist maybe one day a week or if i deem to call him. I know he is still my buddy and all.. it is just hard being left behind by the one guy who said he never would. I guess friends let you down alot. I almost called adam tonight to see if he wanted to come over, and have a couple drinks.. but i know what that might have led to and either way, it would have been bed. But i guess that is the state of affairs i am in right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is gonna be ok. My heart aches for that.
Tried to talk to j today too, i need him. I wonder if he knows how much. He upsets me and says the right thing in the same breath.. and i just wish he could be home and i could talk to him. I wonder what he thinks about me.. i used to know, and now i am just confused. What am i to him/?
I am just so tired of hanging on. Seems like every time i get back on a even kiel, something or someone knocks me back on my ass. and i am so tired. Tired of getting hurt, tired of hanging on, tired of wanting something so bad and not having it. Tired of waiting for it all to fall into place. Tired of being sad, tired of sleeping alone.
I guess i am just waiting, and tired of it.
I love you all..
e
Oh, about my sickness. I had to call and report every day to my doc how i was doing and the other day he decided i had to go to a specialist that day.. he made a call and got me in that day. So in turns out not only do i have infected tonsils but also an infected voicebox. Yeah terriffic. So he decided to try one last med and see if he can clear up the infection, otherwise, and indefinitely they will have to come out. So i am looking at a painful surgery with an apparent long recovery. The ENT said it is a bad surgery and with mine being so infected, that would not help any. So all in all, i feel like shit and am faced once again with yet another stressor.
I guess i am just sad. I realized the other day that not only did i lose my dad, a great friend and person, i also lost my security. He was the one i went to when everything was going wrong, and he always helped me straighten it out. I am so glad my mom and i have become so close and she helps me through it now, i know that i would not have survived lately if it was not for her. she is the strongest and greatest woman i have ever known and i thank god every day for her.I guess i am just still mourning the loss of my dad like it was yesterday and not two months ago. I wish that i could feel his spirit with me.
ANd i know that he is sad because i am sad. And it is not all the time, just times like this when i am looking for someone with answers and i get nothing.... i cannot talk to him, or i can, but i cant feel him, and that is a loss greater. I am also sad because i guess i lost my faith when i lost him too. I used to be so faithful, so sure, so positive that god was walking beside me.. and when i lost my dad, i was so angry. I just wanted to blame someone for taking him away... and i am sad that i am trying to get back to god, and though it is happening little by little as mike said, i don't have the faith that i used to to KNOW that everything is going to be ok. I lost that along with him. I miss him so much.
I miss Mike. I miss being loved by a man. I miss waking up in his arms and seeing his sweet smile across the pillows. I miss his voice and his laugh. I miss the faith he gave me, and the love we had together. I miss that we were so completely together that we could know each others thoughts. I miss his green eyes and that crazy noise he made when i kissed his neck. I miss being a part of something. I miss being loved by him. ANd i know that he still loves me.. and i know that i still love him with every part of me.. but in the same breath, i also know we are doomed to fail right now, because life and circumstances being what they are, we cannot be us.. and that is SO HARD. It is like having everything you ever wanted right there in front of you and not being able to reach out and take it. It is like god is just testing our will.... and i am tired of it.
bill is so involved with michelle i exist maybe one day a week or if i deem to call him. I know he is still my buddy and all.. it is just hard being left behind by the one guy who said he never would. I guess friends let you down alot. I almost called adam tonight to see if he wanted to come over, and have a couple drinks.. but i know what that might have led to and either way, it would have been bed. But i guess that is the state of affairs i am in right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it is gonna be ok. My heart aches for that.
Tried to talk to j today too, i need him. I wonder if he knows how much. He upsets me and says the right thing in the same breath.. and i just wish he could be home and i could talk to him. I wonder what he thinks about me.. i used to know, and now i am just confused. What am i to him/?
I am just so tired of hanging on. Seems like every time i get back on a even kiel, something or someone knocks me back on my ass. and i am so tired. Tired of getting hurt, tired of hanging on, tired of wanting something so bad and not having it. Tired of waiting for it all to fall into place. Tired of being sad, tired of sleeping alone.
I guess i am just waiting, and tired of it.
I love you all..
e