character meme responses!
You guys, I have like forty questions. And they are all ridiculous and only half are in the format I was expecting and, just, I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.
I left out a few “write a story” prompts because I am now sick and did not feel like going back and filling those in. So I will do that later.
So first, the character list!
1. Severus Snape, potions professor, Harry Potter
2. Toph Bei Fong, twelve-year-old blind earthbending master, Avatar: The Last Airbender
3. Ged, archmage and thief, Earthsea
4. Han Solo, smuggler and general, Star Wars
5. Attolia, queen of the country and also woman named Irene, Queen’s Thief
6. Lucy Honeychurch, young lady and piano player, A Room with a View
7. Holly Short, elf LEPrecon captain, Artemis Fowl
8. Jayne Cobb, muscleman and sniper, Firefly
9. Kyouya Ootori, high school junior and shadow king, Ouran
10. Britomart, cross-dressing female knight, The Faerie Queene
11. Alistair Theirin, Warden and bastard prince, Dragon Age
12. Noah Puckerman, ladies’ man with a sweet voice, Glee
13. Scarlett O'Hara, lady and businesswoman, Gone with the Wind
14. Bishop, ranger and scout, Neverwinter Nights 2
and a fandom repeat,
15. The Cabbage Man, a merchant, Avatar: The Last Airbender
nessismore, IF STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND SANS FOOD, WHICH CHARACTER ON YOUR LIST WOULD YOU EAT FIRST????
Um. The Cabbage Man? For the fiber.
OF ALL OF YOUR CHARACTERS, WHOSE CHILD WOULD MOST LIKE TO BEAR?
Hot damn girl. Han Solo is sex on a stick but Jayne has fabulous arms (and stubble, I kind of dig it, although I hear it scratches like whoa), and for the purpose of this and all such questions we’ll assume Kyouya is legal and if I had his kid I could always try to get my hands on his fortune (banking on his friendship with Tamaki here), and Alistair has too many demonspawn babies so he’s out, and Puck is also really really hot, and BISHOP, well, his children are trouble, so maybe not.
I mean if we’re going by whose babies I wanted to have first, um, Han Solo, I guess. But Kyouya is a close second. (I don’t know if Jayne would be around for child support.)
WHICH CHARACTER IS MOST LIKELY TO BE A UNICORN IN DISGUISE????
gdi Nessa what even is this question um…no, that question pretty much offends every character on the list. Sorry.
FIVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE A THREESOME BETWEEN YOU, 6 (Lucy) AND 9 (Kyouya).
Kicked Lucy out of bed.
WHICH CHARACTERS WOULD MAKE THE BEST LIFE RAFT?
AND BY "MAKE THE BEST LIFE RAFT" I MEAN, IF YOU STRAPPED THEM TOGETHER. THEY ARE THE LIFE RAFT.
Ged, Holly, and Han, ‘cause Ged and Holly would make it float with magic and Han could steer.
WHICH CHARACTER IS MOST LIKE A MCRIB?
I’ve never had a McRib, I don’t know.
UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD 5 (Attolia) AND 1 (Snape) BANG?
Political expediency. She needs an heir, he’ll be well-paid, the kid will have black hair like its mother and dark eyes and we don’t know what color her eyes are and it will be pale basically what I am saying is that really it’s perfect because no one would be able to guess who the father is because the child would resemble its mother.
I should not suddenly want to fic this for any reason.
11 (Alistair) IS A DEATH EATER. WHO WOULD THEY AK FIRST???
Loghain, duh.
4 (Han Solo) AND 8 (Jayne) WRITE A CHILDREN'S BOOK. WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
Kicking ass and taking names, duh. Also, making daredevil escapes in a badass space ship. Also, pickup lines for the Aspiring Space Pirate.
loquaciousquark’s answer: "Why A Parsec is a Logical Unit of Distance In Which to Make the Kessel Run, with annotations by Jayne Cobb, Esq."
3 (Ged) AND 10 (Britomart) DUEL. WHAT ARE THEIR WEAPONS OF CHOICE AND WHO WINS?
Ged has his staff and Britomart has her sword and her girdle. I feel like Ged would be above disguising himself Artegal, but perhaps not; I doubt Britomart would be fooled, though. She’s gotten pretty savvy. Ged still wins, of course, but then he sets her on the path to find her knight.
(He would be the nicest mage in the entirety of The Faerie Queene.)
EMO LJ ENTRIES FOR 15 (Cabbage Man).
Dear LJ,
Am looking forward to arriving in Omashu. This is just the fresh start I need after the death of my beloved wife in horrible fire. Brought last batch of wife’s heirloom cabbages; hopefully will sell enough to buy garden plot and plant remaining seeds.
Dear LJ,
Damn kids nearly destroyed my cart! Five (5) precious cabbages lost. What would wife say if she could see me now? Must be more careful.
later that day
King Bumi himself destroyed ten (10) cabbages due to carelessness. Reconsidering Omashu as secure place for cabbage garden.
Dear LJ,
Nearly lost entire crop again,, now in Ba Sing Se. Have taken to stroking cabbages at night in meager attempt to recall feel of wife’s pressed against mine. Cannot see her face anymore. Think eyes were green as cabbages. Cannot remember.
Dear LJ,
There are many things I wish I could have said to my wife, but there is one thing I do not regret: never having children. Lost twenty (20) more cabbages. Omashu and Ba Sing Se taken by Fire Nation, suspect maverick Avatar’s involvement in both. Cried to sleep. Again.
Dear LJ,
Good news, finally! Fire Nation regime offering rewards for anyone with news of Avatar; offered full account of his antics, received handsome reward as well as invitation from playwright to discuss turning story into play.
More importantly, can finally afford garden plot! Fire Nation overlords really not so bad. Wife’s legacy will live on, though the image of her face smiling at me in the morning does not.
IF 3 (Ged) AND 7 (Holly) WERE DISNEY PRINCESSES, WHAT SONGS WOULD THEY SING?
Um. Oh, wait, Holly would definitely sing “Almost There” from PATF, because she is a hardworking career woman and her boyfriend is still underage so no children for a while if that is even possible. OH and Ged would totally sing “Colors of the Wind,” because he is all about the interconnectedness of the world.
…brb loling forever at Ged.
jakia, 4 (Han Solo) and 15 (Cabbage Man) get married. Who/what/where/when and why?
Who? I-some cruel god of cruelty. What? The fuck. Where? Vegas, that’s all I can figure. When? Before Han gets married to Leia, obviously, also: at night. Why? Han was trying to get to Coruscant for his wedding to Leia, miscalculated the hyperspace jump, ended up on Earth (ignore difficulties with intergalactic travel plz), went to Vegas to drink away his sorrows because he was going to miss his wedding, ran into the Cabbage Man who was stroking one of his cabbages, mistook cabbage for honeybun hairdo (drunk goggles are a terrible thing), remembered he was supposed to get married, dragged Cabbage Man off kicking and screaming.
I have no regrets.
8 (Jayne) and 5 (Attolia) share a jail cell. What did they do? How do they get along?
Clearly they must be in a Medean jail. Or an Alliance jail. For some reason I am inclining myself towards Medea. So. From there, I speculate that Attolia was making a diplomatic visit, and the Medes hired Jayne to take her out, but dude she is not so easily taken out, and then the Medes, in an attempt to cover up his bumble, accused Attolia of hiring Jayne to frame the Medes, and throws them both in a jail cell.
They do not get along well at all. Attolia sits with perfect posture on the one bench, while Jayne sprawls on the floor, nursing his injured jaw, a result of asking one too many times if there wasn’t something more interestin’ they could be doin’ on the bench. (Attolia does not pull her slaps. Or her ear-boxings.)
7 (Holly) ate 9 (Kyouya). Why?
Goodness, I don’t know. I would say “she mistook him for giant tuna” but fairies are vegetarians, for the most part. Actually this isn’t really physically possible at all.
willow_41z, Which five people would you take on a surreptitious elephant stealing expedition?
I…Ged (disguises [using all the archmage stuff would be cheating]), Holly (invisibility!), Snape (alohomora? Also: could shrink elephant without disturbing the balance, unlike Ged), Bishop (animal handling skills), and…Toph (could sense guards coming).
Hey, that’s a pretty awesome team there. Brb stealin’ some elephants.
When we send you and Costis on a second honeymoon, who will you pick to babysit?
Better question: WOULD I TRUST ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN?
…oh crap, no, I really really wouldn’t. But if push came to shove, Attolia.
If I asked you for a matchmaker, who would you recommend?
Hm. My first instinct was Kyouya, ‘cause he knows everything about everyone, but I am not sure he would remember to consider feelings. Toph is a pretty good judge of character, but she would mercilessly tease you the entire time. But…yeah, that’s about it.
Can you picture #2 (Toph) dancing around his or her kitchen singing "I Feel Pretty"?
Better question: can I not?
beth_shulman, Do you have icons of any of the characters?
Let’s see…
Snape:
Han:
Attolia (sort of):
(she is the green dress)
Lucy:
(she is the girl)
Holly:
(she has wings)
Kyouya:
Scarlett:
I don’t think I’ve ever had an icon of Toph. As for the others, I’m not sure icons exist of Ged, Britomart, or Bishop.
Did any of them die?
That is such a spoilerific question what is your problem. (Yes.)
With which one would you best be able to hold a meaningful conversation?
Oh my. I-I don’t know. I don’t usually think about having conversations with characters that aren’t my own, and even the ones who are my own-well. Anyway, just because I love these characters doesn’t mean I would be able to have a meaningful conversation with any of them. Heck, I can’t even think of a reason most of them would talk to me, and their reactions (Attolia, wondering why the heck a commoner was addressing her; I suppose I could come before her as a scholar; Bishop probably laughing in my face, if he bothered to address me at all; I guess I could talk to Puck in a tutoring way, weird) leave much to be desired.
Which one would you go skydiving with?
Mmmm Toph. It sounds like a crazy thing she would do.
To which one would you dedicate your book?
Attolia.
I almost said “it would depend on the book,” but-Attolia.
styromgalleries, If 3 (Ged), 5 (Attolia), and 14 (Bishop) were playing Desert Island, what would their three picks be for movies and books?
Oh my. One of the things I like about Ged is that he is this super-powerful archmage but he takes delight in ordinary things-he would probably enjoy comedies, though I think something like LOTR might cut too close for comfort. Ditto with books. He would probably bring light, easy reading (and suddenly I see how Howl owes something of himself to Ged).
Attolia doesn’t strike me as much of an escapist-she would probably bring her papers or something, and if she had to watch movies, they would either be like The Queen or else some sort of deeply strategic war movie. Not too gorey, I-I am trying to think of something that would be mildly relaxing and enjoyable for her without bringing on bad memories. Hm. It’s difficult.
Bishop? Would probably bring porn. Or like Fight Club. I do not think he would bring any books.
7 (Holly) has to play Fuck, Marry, Kill. They're choosing between 8 (Jayne), 12 (Puck), and 1 (Snape).
AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Holly is deeply offended by this question. And for the sake of everyone’s sanity, we’ll just ignore size differences and say she’ll screw…oh man, I am doubting myself all over the place! Like, would she marry Snape? He at least knows about magic and stuff and probably wouldn’t get in her way, and he’s very intelligent, which we know is one of her Things (brb MY OTP, HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY HOW MUCH I LOVE IT, BECAUSE I DO ALL THE TIME), but he’s also really grumpy but oh she has red hair and that is one of his Things. Hm. I think they would have enough respect for each other to work it out.
In that case, she marries Snape, screws Jayne, and kills Puck, because she deeply resents any implication that she has a thing for teenagers, and also Jayne is more of a muscley-guns-guy who would totally respect her knowledge of guns (unlike the guys in the LEP who see her femininity as an excuse for a date; I mean, Jayne would too, but he would totally dig her knowledge of guns, rather than dismiss it).
Incidentally, apparently among high school girls this game is called “Dump Marry Date” or something. (Well, at least the freshmen.)
andromeda3116, Oh no! It's the zombie apocalypse! All fifteen are stuck together in an apartment building and have to escape with whatever they can grab and turn into a weapon (or whatever weapons they may carry on their person). Who survives? Who gets eaten? Who's the leader of the group? And MOST IMPORTANTLY: Who gets the Zombie Kill of the Day? (And how!)
The Cabbage Man is toast. I think Alistair, Ged, and Britomart would make sure Lucy and Attolia make it out okay, and Kyouya would find some way of making himself indispensible to the group so that they would have to bring him along. (Example: he is the only one who has the blueprints for the air conditioning ducts. Bishop would argue against this ‘cause of tracking skills, but considering he is the nastiest person in the group I doubt anyone would listen to him.) I am a little concerned about Scarlett, but I think there are enough good people to keep her alive too.
(How, you ask, does the Cabbage Man get eaten, if we’re concerned about even Mrs. O’Hara-Hamilton-Kennedy-Butler whom I know a lot of people hate? Come on, guys. You really think he’s going to abandon his cabbages?)
I think Holly takes command, just because she’s the most military-trained of the group (also, Jayne is totally down for following her because she’s tiny and badass-see The Big Damn Crossover for further examples of Jayne being down with tiny badass chicks), although Bishop fights it and probably goes his own way and gets smashed by a falling rock COME ON A FALLING ROCK IS NOT GOING TO GET A LEVEL 20 RANGER, STOP IT. Everyone else has at least some understanding of what it means to work on a team in a high-danger situation (except Lucy, but again, they’ll take care of her), so they’ll fall into place.
Zombie kill of the day? Man, who doesn’t? There’s clearly a large competition for it. I don’t think Alistair or Britomart participates-see: protection duty. Snape also would be going for straight kills rather than anything flashy. Puck would be shoving zombies out windows into dumpsters far below. Jayne and Han probably tag-team with lots of whooping and Toph would be showing them up all over the place with her little rock bullets, and aw man, this would be totally badass, I do want.
7 (Holly) grabs 10 (Britomart) and places a big, wet, sloppy kiss on him/her. Why does he/she do it? And what is the reaction?
Why does she do it? This is an excellent question. I’m guessing there’s a spell on Britomart, and only a fairy can break it, and Holly happens to be the only fairy around. (Well, Mulch is probably there too, but he gave up his magic.)
Britomart, Knighte of Chastity, is understandably upset at first, but I’m sure she turns to gratitude.
8 (Jayne), 12 (Puck), 4 (Han Solo), 6 (Lucy), and 14 (Bishop) are playing an RPG like World of Warcraft (or Dungeons and Dragons if you play it). Who's playing which parts (rogue, cleric, ranger, fighter, wizard, barbarian half-elf spellcaster, etc., etc.)? And if this is DnD, who is the DM?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (Also, I totally play D&D.) Oh God. Who would DM? I-Puck. Puck is the only person I could possibly put in charge of this, which is sadly saying something. I am guessing he wanted to impress Lucy with his creativity and begged the guys to help him out (oh God, Jayne, Han, Puck, and Bishop? I just-love this combination so much. Especially with Not-Yet-By-Lightning!Bishop, who has lightened up a bit, so we’ll assume it’s him), and so here they are at his house, and Lucy volunteers to play the elven wizard, and Bishop makes a snide remark, and Puck is like dude man you said you’d be cool.
Anyway, Lucy’s going to be the elf wizard, and Jayne immediately declares half-orc barbarian, and Han wants to be the rogue (human rogue, come on), and Puck says something about like, “well Bishop have you picked your animal companion I need to pick out the figurine-” and Bishop’s like, “What are you talking about? I’m playing a cleric.” And they all kind of stare at him and he gives them a fuck off look and then they proceed to play through the dungeon and Puck is a terrible DM and Bishop keeps pointing out that he sucks and metagaming all over the place and Jayne keeps making attack rolls at the wall and Puck is finally like YOU BREAK YOUR AXE IN HALF and Jayne is pissed and meanwhile Han leaves his character to get drunk in the bar until they find a lock that needs picking and Puck’s like you can’t do that and meanwhile Lucy keeps casting Magic Missile to attack the darkness and talking to her bunny familiar and eventually they run into a gelatinous cube that swallows the party whole.
Well, Bishop gets out, but he leaves the rest of them to die. And Han’s not there. He’s getting drunk.
xlovelylightx, 1 (Snape), 4 (Han Solo), 14 (Bishop). Which one of these characters would have sex with 11 (Alistair)?
None of them, as they’re all canonically straight. Also, only Han would be able to tolerate Alistair for more than like five seconds.
Out of 6 (Lucy), 7 (Holly) and 11 (Alistair), who would Ariel runaway and get married with?
Alistair! He’s a goofy nice boy.
What would 15 (Cabbage Man)'s tweets look like?
(confession: I am only mildly acquainted with Twitter.)
CABBAGES!
Setting up cabbage stand! #omashu #cabbagelove
@DamnKids: MY CABBAGES! #tragedy #cabbagelove #corporalpunishmentshouldbereintroducedinschools
loquaciousquark, 6 (Lucy) and 13 (Scarlett) are kids in a kindergarten class taught by 8 (Jayne). Who gets left inside at recess?
What is with you guys and putting Jayne in charge of educating children? Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Lucy. She’s not as much of an adorable flirt as Scarlett.
elle_winters, Blind date between 1 (Snape) and 5 (Attolia), how does it go down?
OH GOD. OH GOD. This is totally the prequel for that earlier prompt about Attolia banging Snape. Phresine knows about (okay this is clearly-maybe not a Gen-less universe, but certainly not a Gen/Attolia verse, I mean obviously, what is Snape even doing there idk, Time Turner gone horribly wrong?) Attolia’s need and quietly searches out potential matches and finds out about this strange visiting scholar and arranges for him to be smuggled in for a private dinner with Her Majesty and I am not going to fic this you guys it would be HORRIBLE.
Anyway, it’s very quiet, with the slight clink of silverware, and Attolia asking polite questions about his scholarship and Snape making evasive answers and finally asking the reason behind the dinner, and Attolia explaining in clean, concise terms, and Snape pointing out that he is not really suited to this and that he probably shouldn’t interfere, time travel and all that, to which she replies I believe that makes you perfectly suited to the task, and, well. Things progress from there.
Objectively speaking, it goes down very well.
9 (Kyouya) is the long lost child of 12 (Puck), how's the reunion?
Kyouya is horrified to discover that his dad stars in musicals, and Puck is deeply concerned that Beth apparently had an ethnic sex change.
15 (Cabbage Man) has crush on 7 (Holly) who's dating 2 (Toph). Drama!
Holly is only dating Toph for the sake of a mission, but Cabbage Man doesn’t know that. He is constantly sending cabbages with love notes scribbled on them, cabbages with love notes rolled up and stuck inside them, cabbage leaves spelling out a love note, and growing cabbage vines outside her apartment, and it is making it very difficult for her to keep her cover.
2 (Toph) and 4 (Han Solo) meet in Vegas
After a bit of wariness, resolved when he draws on her and she shoots up a rock to deflect his shot, they decide to team up and cheat their way through every casino. They are very successful, though they have to get gone at the speed of light-luckily, that’s exactly what the Falcon’s designed to do.
6 (Lucy) and 11 (Alistair) get into a car accident
Alistair is riding a horse and realizes that if he is not careful his horse will clip-clop into a puddle and splash mud all over a pretty girl’s white dress, and so he jerks the reins and the horse is upset and smacks down in the puddle extra-hard and mud goes everywhere and Alistair is jerking at the reins and trying to apologize and the horse walks straight into the path of an oncoming slow-moving car and the car hits the horse and Alistair falls into the mud and the horse falls to the ground and Cecil emerges looking very put-out and Lucy cares only for the horse.
Well, that was exhaustingly fun. I hope you enjoyed!
I left out a few “write a story” prompts because I am now sick and did not feel like going back and filling those in. So I will do that later.
So first, the character list!
1. Severus Snape, potions professor, Harry Potter
2. Toph Bei Fong, twelve-year-old blind earthbending master, Avatar: The Last Airbender
3. Ged, archmage and thief, Earthsea
4. Han Solo, smuggler and general, Star Wars
5. Attolia, queen of the country and also woman named Irene, Queen’s Thief
6. Lucy Honeychurch, young lady and piano player, A Room with a View
7. Holly Short, elf LEPrecon captain, Artemis Fowl
8. Jayne Cobb, muscleman and sniper, Firefly
9. Kyouya Ootori, high school junior and shadow king, Ouran
10. Britomart, cross-dressing female knight, The Faerie Queene
11. Alistair Theirin, Warden and bastard prince, Dragon Age
12. Noah Puckerman, ladies’ man with a sweet voice, Glee
13. Scarlett O'Hara, lady and businesswoman, Gone with the Wind
14. Bishop, ranger and scout, Neverwinter Nights 2
and a fandom repeat,
15. The Cabbage Man, a merchant, Avatar: The Last Airbender
nessismore, IF STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND SANS FOOD, WHICH CHARACTER ON YOUR LIST WOULD YOU EAT FIRST????
Um. The Cabbage Man? For the fiber.
OF ALL OF YOUR CHARACTERS, WHOSE CHILD WOULD MOST LIKE TO BEAR?
Hot damn girl. Han Solo is sex on a stick but Jayne has fabulous arms (and stubble, I kind of dig it, although I hear it scratches like whoa), and for the purpose of this and all such questions we’ll assume Kyouya is legal and if I had his kid I could always try to get my hands on his fortune (banking on his friendship with Tamaki here), and Alistair has too many demonspawn babies so he’s out, and Puck is also really really hot, and BISHOP, well, his children are trouble, so maybe not.
I mean if we’re going by whose babies I wanted to have first, um, Han Solo, I guess. But Kyouya is a close second. (I don’t know if Jayne would be around for child support.)
WHICH CHARACTER IS MOST LIKELY TO BE A UNICORN IN DISGUISE????
gdi Nessa what even is this question um…no, that question pretty much offends every character on the list. Sorry.
FIVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE A THREESOME BETWEEN YOU, 6 (Lucy) AND 9 (Kyouya).
Kicked Lucy out of bed.
WHICH CHARACTERS WOULD MAKE THE BEST LIFE RAFT?
AND BY "MAKE THE BEST LIFE RAFT" I MEAN, IF YOU STRAPPED THEM TOGETHER. THEY ARE THE LIFE RAFT.
Ged, Holly, and Han, ‘cause Ged and Holly would make it float with magic and Han could steer.
WHICH CHARACTER IS MOST LIKE A MCRIB?
I’ve never had a McRib, I don’t know.
UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD 5 (Attolia) AND 1 (Snape) BANG?
Political expediency. She needs an heir, he’ll be well-paid, the kid will have black hair like its mother and dark eyes and we don’t know what color her eyes are and it will be pale basically what I am saying is that really it’s perfect because no one would be able to guess who the father is because the child would resemble its mother.
I should not suddenly want to fic this for any reason.
11 (Alistair) IS A DEATH EATER. WHO WOULD THEY AK FIRST???
Loghain, duh.
4 (Han Solo) AND 8 (Jayne) WRITE A CHILDREN'S BOOK. WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
Kicking ass and taking names, duh. Also, making daredevil escapes in a badass space ship. Also, pickup lines for the Aspiring Space Pirate.
loquaciousquark’s answer: "Why A Parsec is a Logical Unit of Distance In Which to Make the Kessel Run, with annotations by Jayne Cobb, Esq."
3 (Ged) AND 10 (Britomart) DUEL. WHAT ARE THEIR WEAPONS OF CHOICE AND WHO WINS?
Ged has his staff and Britomart has her sword and her girdle. I feel like Ged would be above disguising himself Artegal, but perhaps not; I doubt Britomart would be fooled, though. She’s gotten pretty savvy. Ged still wins, of course, but then he sets her on the path to find her knight.
(He would be the nicest mage in the entirety of The Faerie Queene.)
EMO LJ ENTRIES FOR 15 (Cabbage Man).
Dear LJ,
Am looking forward to arriving in Omashu. This is just the fresh start I need after the death of my beloved wife in horrible fire. Brought last batch of wife’s heirloom cabbages; hopefully will sell enough to buy garden plot and plant remaining seeds.
Dear LJ,
Damn kids nearly destroyed my cart! Five (5) precious cabbages lost. What would wife say if she could see me now? Must be more careful.
later that day
King Bumi himself destroyed ten (10) cabbages due to carelessness. Reconsidering Omashu as secure place for cabbage garden.
Dear LJ,
Nearly lost entire crop again,, now in Ba Sing Se. Have taken to stroking cabbages at night in meager attempt to recall feel of wife’s pressed against mine. Cannot see her face anymore. Think eyes were green as cabbages. Cannot remember.
Dear LJ,
There are many things I wish I could have said to my wife, but there is one thing I do not regret: never having children. Lost twenty (20) more cabbages. Omashu and Ba Sing Se taken by Fire Nation, suspect maverick Avatar’s involvement in both. Cried to sleep. Again.
Dear LJ,
Good news, finally! Fire Nation regime offering rewards for anyone with news of Avatar; offered full account of his antics, received handsome reward as well as invitation from playwright to discuss turning story into play.
More importantly, can finally afford garden plot! Fire Nation overlords really not so bad. Wife’s legacy will live on, though the image of her face smiling at me in the morning does not.
IF 3 (Ged) AND 7 (Holly) WERE DISNEY PRINCESSES, WHAT SONGS WOULD THEY SING?
Um. Oh, wait, Holly would definitely sing “Almost There” from PATF, because she is a hardworking career woman and her boyfriend is still underage so no children for a while if that is even possible. OH and Ged would totally sing “Colors of the Wind,” because he is all about the interconnectedness of the world.
…brb loling forever at Ged.
jakia, 4 (Han Solo) and 15 (Cabbage Man) get married. Who/what/where/when and why?
Who? I-some cruel god of cruelty. What? The fuck. Where? Vegas, that’s all I can figure. When? Before Han gets married to Leia, obviously, also: at night. Why? Han was trying to get to Coruscant for his wedding to Leia, miscalculated the hyperspace jump, ended up on Earth (ignore difficulties with intergalactic travel plz), went to Vegas to drink away his sorrows because he was going to miss his wedding, ran into the Cabbage Man who was stroking one of his cabbages, mistook cabbage for honeybun hairdo (drunk goggles are a terrible thing), remembered he was supposed to get married, dragged Cabbage Man off kicking and screaming.
I have no regrets.
8 (Jayne) and 5 (Attolia) share a jail cell. What did they do? How do they get along?
Clearly they must be in a Medean jail. Or an Alliance jail. For some reason I am inclining myself towards Medea. So. From there, I speculate that Attolia was making a diplomatic visit, and the Medes hired Jayne to take her out, but dude she is not so easily taken out, and then the Medes, in an attempt to cover up his bumble, accused Attolia of hiring Jayne to frame the Medes, and throws them both in a jail cell.
They do not get along well at all. Attolia sits with perfect posture on the one bench, while Jayne sprawls on the floor, nursing his injured jaw, a result of asking one too many times if there wasn’t something more interestin’ they could be doin’ on the bench. (Attolia does not pull her slaps. Or her ear-boxings.)
7 (Holly) ate 9 (Kyouya). Why?
Goodness, I don’t know. I would say “she mistook him for giant tuna” but fairies are vegetarians, for the most part. Actually this isn’t really physically possible at all.
willow_41z, Which five people would you take on a surreptitious elephant stealing expedition?
I…Ged (disguises [using all the archmage stuff would be cheating]), Holly (invisibility!), Snape (alohomora? Also: could shrink elephant without disturbing the balance, unlike Ged), Bishop (animal handling skills), and…Toph (could sense guards coming).
Hey, that’s a pretty awesome team there. Brb stealin’ some elephants.
When we send you and Costis on a second honeymoon, who will you pick to babysit?
Better question: WOULD I TRUST ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN?
…oh crap, no, I really really wouldn’t. But if push came to shove, Attolia.
If I asked you for a matchmaker, who would you recommend?
Hm. My first instinct was Kyouya, ‘cause he knows everything about everyone, but I am not sure he would remember to consider feelings. Toph is a pretty good judge of character, but she would mercilessly tease you the entire time. But…yeah, that’s about it.
Can you picture #2 (Toph) dancing around his or her kitchen singing "I Feel Pretty"?
Better question: can I not?
beth_shulman, Do you have icons of any of the characters?
Let’s see…
Snape:
Han:
Attolia (sort of):
(she is the green dress)
Lucy:
(she is the girl)
Holly:
(she has wings)
Kyouya:
Scarlett:
I don’t think I’ve ever had an icon of Toph. As for the others, I’m not sure icons exist of Ged, Britomart, or Bishop.
Did any of them die?
That is such a spoilerific question what is your problem. (Yes.)
With which one would you best be able to hold a meaningful conversation?
Oh my. I-I don’t know. I don’t usually think about having conversations with characters that aren’t my own, and even the ones who are my own-well. Anyway, just because I love these characters doesn’t mean I would be able to have a meaningful conversation with any of them. Heck, I can’t even think of a reason most of them would talk to me, and their reactions (Attolia, wondering why the heck a commoner was addressing her; I suppose I could come before her as a scholar; Bishop probably laughing in my face, if he bothered to address me at all; I guess I could talk to Puck in a tutoring way, weird) leave much to be desired.
Which one would you go skydiving with?
Mmmm Toph. It sounds like a crazy thing she would do.
To which one would you dedicate your book?
Attolia.
I almost said “it would depend on the book,” but-Attolia.
styromgalleries, If 3 (Ged), 5 (Attolia), and 14 (Bishop) were playing Desert Island, what would their three picks be for movies and books?
Oh my. One of the things I like about Ged is that he is this super-powerful archmage but he takes delight in ordinary things-he would probably enjoy comedies, though I think something like LOTR might cut too close for comfort. Ditto with books. He would probably bring light, easy reading (and suddenly I see how Howl owes something of himself to Ged).
Attolia doesn’t strike me as much of an escapist-she would probably bring her papers or something, and if she had to watch movies, they would either be like The Queen or else some sort of deeply strategic war movie. Not too gorey, I-I am trying to think of something that would be mildly relaxing and enjoyable for her without bringing on bad memories. Hm. It’s difficult.
Bishop? Would probably bring porn. Or like Fight Club. I do not think he would bring any books.
7 (Holly) has to play Fuck, Marry, Kill. They're choosing between 8 (Jayne), 12 (Puck), and 1 (Snape).
AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Holly is deeply offended by this question. And for the sake of everyone’s sanity, we’ll just ignore size differences and say she’ll screw…oh man, I am doubting myself all over the place! Like, would she marry Snape? He at least knows about magic and stuff and probably wouldn’t get in her way, and he’s very intelligent, which we know is one of her Things (brb MY OTP, HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY HOW MUCH I LOVE IT, BECAUSE I DO ALL THE TIME), but he’s also really grumpy but oh she has red hair and that is one of his Things. Hm. I think they would have enough respect for each other to work it out.
In that case, she marries Snape, screws Jayne, and kills Puck, because she deeply resents any implication that she has a thing for teenagers, and also Jayne is more of a muscley-guns-guy who would totally respect her knowledge of guns (unlike the guys in the LEP who see her femininity as an excuse for a date; I mean, Jayne would too, but he would totally dig her knowledge of guns, rather than dismiss it).
Incidentally, apparently among high school girls this game is called “Dump Marry Date” or something. (Well, at least the freshmen.)
andromeda3116, Oh no! It's the zombie apocalypse! All fifteen are stuck together in an apartment building and have to escape with whatever they can grab and turn into a weapon (or whatever weapons they may carry on their person). Who survives? Who gets eaten? Who's the leader of the group? And MOST IMPORTANTLY: Who gets the Zombie Kill of the Day? (And how!)
The Cabbage Man is toast. I think Alistair, Ged, and Britomart would make sure Lucy and Attolia make it out okay, and Kyouya would find some way of making himself indispensible to the group so that they would have to bring him along. (Example: he is the only one who has the blueprints for the air conditioning ducts. Bishop would argue against this ‘cause of tracking skills, but considering he is the nastiest person in the group I doubt anyone would listen to him.) I am a little concerned about Scarlett, but I think there are enough good people to keep her alive too.
(How, you ask, does the Cabbage Man get eaten, if we’re concerned about even Mrs. O’Hara-Hamilton-Kennedy-Butler whom I know a lot of people hate? Come on, guys. You really think he’s going to abandon his cabbages?)
I think Holly takes command, just because she’s the most military-trained of the group (also, Jayne is totally down for following her because she’s tiny and badass-see The Big Damn Crossover for further examples of Jayne being down with tiny badass chicks), although Bishop fights it and probably goes his own way and gets smashed by a falling rock COME ON A FALLING ROCK IS NOT GOING TO GET A LEVEL 20 RANGER, STOP IT. Everyone else has at least some understanding of what it means to work on a team in a high-danger situation (except Lucy, but again, they’ll take care of her), so they’ll fall into place.
Zombie kill of the day? Man, who doesn’t? There’s clearly a large competition for it. I don’t think Alistair or Britomart participates-see: protection duty. Snape also would be going for straight kills rather than anything flashy. Puck would be shoving zombies out windows into dumpsters far below. Jayne and Han probably tag-team with lots of whooping and Toph would be showing them up all over the place with her little rock bullets, and aw man, this would be totally badass, I do want.
7 (Holly) grabs 10 (Britomart) and places a big, wet, sloppy kiss on him/her. Why does he/she do it? And what is the reaction?
Why does she do it? This is an excellent question. I’m guessing there’s a spell on Britomart, and only a fairy can break it, and Holly happens to be the only fairy around. (Well, Mulch is probably there too, but he gave up his magic.)
Britomart, Knighte of Chastity, is understandably upset at first, but I’m sure she turns to gratitude.
8 (Jayne), 12 (Puck), 4 (Han Solo), 6 (Lucy), and 14 (Bishop) are playing an RPG like World of Warcraft (or Dungeons and Dragons if you play it). Who's playing which parts (rogue, cleric, ranger, fighter, wizard, barbarian half-elf spellcaster, etc., etc.)? And if this is DnD, who is the DM?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (Also, I totally play D&D.) Oh God. Who would DM? I-Puck. Puck is the only person I could possibly put in charge of this, which is sadly saying something. I am guessing he wanted to impress Lucy with his creativity and begged the guys to help him out (oh God, Jayne, Han, Puck, and Bishop? I just-love this combination so much. Especially with Not-Yet-By-Lightning!Bishop, who has lightened up a bit, so we’ll assume it’s him), and so here they are at his house, and Lucy volunteers to play the elven wizard, and Bishop makes a snide remark, and Puck is like dude man you said you’d be cool.
Anyway, Lucy’s going to be the elf wizard, and Jayne immediately declares half-orc barbarian, and Han wants to be the rogue (human rogue, come on), and Puck says something about like, “well Bishop have you picked your animal companion I need to pick out the figurine-” and Bishop’s like, “What are you talking about? I’m playing a cleric.” And they all kind of stare at him and he gives them a fuck off look and then they proceed to play through the dungeon and Puck is a terrible DM and Bishop keeps pointing out that he sucks and metagaming all over the place and Jayne keeps making attack rolls at the wall and Puck is finally like YOU BREAK YOUR AXE IN HALF and Jayne is pissed and meanwhile Han leaves his character to get drunk in the bar until they find a lock that needs picking and Puck’s like you can’t do that and meanwhile Lucy keeps casting Magic Missile to attack the darkness and talking to her bunny familiar and eventually they run into a gelatinous cube that swallows the party whole.
Well, Bishop gets out, but he leaves the rest of them to die. And Han’s not there. He’s getting drunk.
xlovelylightx, 1 (Snape), 4 (Han Solo), 14 (Bishop). Which one of these characters would have sex with 11 (Alistair)?
None of them, as they’re all canonically straight. Also, only Han would be able to tolerate Alistair for more than like five seconds.
Out of 6 (Lucy), 7 (Holly) and 11 (Alistair), who would Ariel runaway and get married with?
Alistair! He’s a goofy nice boy.
What would 15 (Cabbage Man)'s tweets look like?
(confession: I am only mildly acquainted with Twitter.)
CABBAGES!
Setting up cabbage stand! #omashu #cabbagelove
@DamnKids: MY CABBAGES! #tragedy #cabbagelove #corporalpunishmentshouldbereintroducedinschools
loquaciousquark, 6 (Lucy) and 13 (Scarlett) are kids in a kindergarten class taught by 8 (Jayne). Who gets left inside at recess?
What is with you guys and putting Jayne in charge of educating children? Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Lucy. She’s not as much of an adorable flirt as Scarlett.
elle_winters, Blind date between 1 (Snape) and 5 (Attolia), how does it go down?
OH GOD. OH GOD. This is totally the prequel for that earlier prompt about Attolia banging Snape. Phresine knows about (okay this is clearly-maybe not a Gen-less universe, but certainly not a Gen/Attolia verse, I mean obviously, what is Snape even doing there idk, Time Turner gone horribly wrong?) Attolia’s need and quietly searches out potential matches and finds out about this strange visiting scholar and arranges for him to be smuggled in for a private dinner with Her Majesty and I am not going to fic this you guys it would be HORRIBLE.
Anyway, it’s very quiet, with the slight clink of silverware, and Attolia asking polite questions about his scholarship and Snape making evasive answers and finally asking the reason behind the dinner, and Attolia explaining in clean, concise terms, and Snape pointing out that he is not really suited to this and that he probably shouldn’t interfere, time travel and all that, to which she replies I believe that makes you perfectly suited to the task, and, well. Things progress from there.
Objectively speaking, it goes down very well.
9 (Kyouya) is the long lost child of 12 (Puck), how's the reunion?
Kyouya is horrified to discover that his dad stars in musicals, and Puck is deeply concerned that Beth apparently had an ethnic sex change.
15 (Cabbage Man) has crush on 7 (Holly) who's dating 2 (Toph). Drama!
Holly is only dating Toph for the sake of a mission, but Cabbage Man doesn’t know that. He is constantly sending cabbages with love notes scribbled on them, cabbages with love notes rolled up and stuck inside them, cabbage leaves spelling out a love note, and growing cabbage vines outside her apartment, and it is making it very difficult for her to keep her cover.
2 (Toph) and 4 (Han Solo) meet in Vegas
After a bit of wariness, resolved when he draws on her and she shoots up a rock to deflect his shot, they decide to team up and cheat their way through every casino. They are very successful, though they have to get gone at the speed of light-luckily, that’s exactly what the Falcon’s designed to do.
6 (Lucy) and 11 (Alistair) get into a car accident
Alistair is riding a horse and realizes that if he is not careful his horse will clip-clop into a puddle and splash mud all over a pretty girl’s white dress, and so he jerks the reins and the horse is upset and smacks down in the puddle extra-hard and mud goes everywhere and Alistair is jerking at the reins and trying to apologize and the horse walks straight into the path of an oncoming slow-moving car and the car hits the horse and Alistair falls into the mud and the horse falls to the ground and Cecil emerges looking very put-out and Lucy cares only for the horse.
Well, that was exhaustingly fun. I hope you enjoyed!